u/Dazzling_Battle_8708

I can’t stop looking for more information. I feel insane. We are long distance and I can’t go through his phone right now. So what am I doing? Looking on FB, looking up websites to check if he’s on a dating app, looking at our old messages trying to tell when he was deceiving me.

He tells me it worries him how much this consumes me, he doesn’t get it does he. I am broken inside my mind. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I spend my days sleeping all day long so I don’t have to be awake. I’m still going to therapy, support groups, listening to podcasts. And yet I’m still broken on the inside, looking looking looking looking for anything. Maybe I’m looking for my shattered heart. Has anyone seen it? I want it all to stop. I want my mind to be silent.

Well first off, what a hell of a journey this has been. My BF and I have been together for basically 8+ years (all long distance due to school/career). We broke up twice officially, but then got back together ultimately. Finally had plans to move in with each other next year but then I found out he cheated on me by dating other women on apps. At least, that’s what I first found out almost 3 months ago. 1 month ago I find out he actually had sex with multiple women over the past 3 years on top of going on several dates. I kept digging for more and more - turns out he lied about so much and now we are looking at a full on active sex addict. He has told me several times he doesn’t remember the full extent of every infidelity. And we went over sex addict definition and yep - we have a winner. He says he gets this feeling where he’s on autopilot and gets into these mindsets of being someone who can do anything he wants. He told me he likes the feeling of being wanted, his ego gets a boost, and he loves the dopamine hit. But then after, he is disgusted with himself and shame:guilt eat him alive. Basic addict.

Before finding out about the SA, we started talking to a couples therapist that works with infidelity. The thing is, it’s useless IMO because he just sits there and lies to her and me. He hasn’t been transparent and can barely look at the things he’s done to me. He’s obviously very remorseful and is constantly in shame/guilt about the things I’ve confronted him with. He’s also in IC who specializes in ADHD, childhood trauma, infidelity. But his IC is not CSAT officially.

I guess my main question is, we should stop the couples therapy right? I feel like right now it’s doing nothing. We just sit there and talk about my non negotiables that he can’t even complete because this is now an addiction we are dealing with. I have to make a whole new list it seems. I’m joining SAnon and then I also have my own betrayal trauma IC weekly.

DDay #3 now and I think this is it.

I think I’m done.

I’ve been trying to heal the past 3 months from this and I keep finding shit out.

I didn’t know someone could be a compulsive liar and cheater yet believe he could heal our relationship without telling me every single thing he did to destroy us. Me.

It never ends does it?

And now I think it’s more than cheating. We think it’s a sex addiction, how do I move forward?

DDay #3 now and I think this is it.

I think I’m done.

I’ve been trying to heal the past 3 months from this and I keep finding shit out.

I didn’t know someone could be a compulsive liar and cheater yet believe he could heal our relationship without telling me every single thing he did to destroy us. Me.

It never ends does it?

I need to get this out. This broken jagged piece of heart that is stuck between my lungs. I’m sobbing on the ground in my bathroom, 1 hour before couples therapy. How am I going to sit there and learn ways to communicate with the person who never communicated with me. He decided years ago to cheat, actively choosing to hurt me in the biggest way possible instead of having a conversation with me or leaving.

How do you do that to someone? Let alone someone you “love”? When does it stop. When does the piece of my sad pathetic heart stop bleeding? When can I go about my day not thinking of the women he slept with, the women he had a relationship with, the woman he kept her nudes of. The images play in my mind, like a cat playing with yarn. Never ending and wrapped up into a tight ball.

I am tired. I never once thought to do this to him. I’ve felt neglected, unwanted, alone, and unloved in all 9 years. What did I do? Got help. I poured myself into my career, my friends, my family. I got medicated. I stayed loyal and for what?

When will the sobbing end, when will my heart heal.