u/DecisionNo8242

I (F33) am engaged to a (M44) who has 3 daughters (F17),(F11), and (F11).
The oldest will supposedly be moving out this year or next year to go to college, and she’s been with us full time because her mother died last year.
The twins have been with us full time for about a month because their BM is getting out of an abusive relationship. She is highly unpredictable and not dependable, and she has 7 kids, 2 are out of the house now. She is going to try and get section 8 housing but it would seem that the custody arrangement might be very uncertain for us. She doesn’t have a vehicle to transport 2 11 year olds, a 5 year old and two 3 year olds anymore.
I cannot handle having the twins full time. Having all the kids 50/50 was really my max. I’ve been extremely stressed out and overwhelmed since they been with us even though I try to keep it together.
We’re supposed to move in a couple months and honestly I’m not feeling comfortable signing a lease or even planning a wedding with how bad mentally I’ve been doing. I love him and the kids. It’s just too much for me in the situation we’re in right now.
I’m starting to believe we’re just incompatible but I keep talking myself out of it. I feel responsible for the well being of the kids because their mom has been a shit show for the last 4 years. I’ve been in all their lives for 5 years.
Honestly I miss my freedom and the ability to do things spontaneously with a partner without kids. I have the dreams to travel and it just seems unlikely here.
How do you stop gaslighting yourself and break free even if you love your partner the kids and the cats that you have together. It’s hard to leave it all behind.

I (F33) am engaged to a (M44) who has 3 daughters (F17),(F11), and (F11).
The oldest will supposedly be moving out this year or next year to go to college, and she’s been with us full time because her mother died last year.
The twins have been with us full time for about a month because their BM is getting out of an abusive relationship. She is highly unpredictable and not dependable, and she has 7 kids, 2 are out of the house now. She is going to try and get section 8 housing but it would seem that the custody arrangement might be very uncertain for us. She doesn’t have a vehicle to transport 2 11 year olds, a 5 year old and two 3 year olds anymore.
I cannot handle having the twins full time. Having all the kids 50/50 was really my max. I’ve been extremely stressed out and overwhelmed since they been with us even though I try to keep it together.
We’re supposed to move in a couple months and honestly I’m not feeling comfortable signing a lease or even planning a wedding with how bad mentally I’ve been doing. I love him and the kids. It’s just too much for me in the situation we’re in right now.
I’m starting to believe we’re just incompatible but I keep talking myself out of it. I feel responsible for the well being of the kids because their mom has been a shit show for the last 4 years. I’ve been in all their lives for 5 years.
Honestly I miss my freedom and the ability to do things spontaneously with a partner without kids. I have the dreams to travel and it just seems unlikely here.
How do you stop gaslighting yourself and break free even if you love your partner the kids and the cats that you have together. It’s hard to leave it all behind.
-I’m more depressed
-I’m drinking more
-I’m gaining weight now
-I find myself anxious to come home
-struggling to see a light at the end
-fiancé is avoidant

I’ve (F33) been with a (M44) that has 3 kids for a total of 5 years and I used the think I wanted one with him. Now I don’t want one with him or to have any of my own at all. I actually wish I could have a childfree life now. But the kids birth moms have had quite the year the past year, one died and the other one is now getting out of a ln abusive relationship so the custody isn’t exactly 50/50 right now. we had a break up back in 2023 for about a year because he decided he didn’t want to get married or have more children so I left, and then he changed his mind and I came back, things were still 50/50 when I came back and then everything happened since I’ve been back. We got engaged last year. We hardly have sex anymore, kids are at our house full time. If I had a preview of what was to come I probably wouldn’t have came back. But now the kids rely on me and I’m attached again. Kids are (F17)(F11)(F11)

I’ve never had any personal issues with either of the BMs, but one passed away last year, and the other one has been in and out of inpatient. Last winter was arrested for domestic violence in the presence of a child, and then her fiancé got arrested yesterday for domestic violence for attacking her. (They broke up a week ago)
Don’t worry the kids have been with us all week and they are safe. And they were with us the last time it happened. I personally couldn’t keep them from living there.
This has put a lot of stress on me, just wondering if you would consider this a (HCBM)
As I’m writing this I feel as though she is, even if it isn’t directed towards me. I have to put up with her choices and the consequences. Not know long what custody is going to look like going forward. Things used to be normal and in the span of a year both BMs have had some crazy shit happen.
You think you have 50/50 until you don’t.
Kids are 17 F (1st BM)
11 F, 11 F (2nd BM)

I (F33) am engaged to a single dad (M44) who has three daughters and two different BMs, one died last year from cancer and the other one is now separating from her fiancé so now we’re going from 50/50 to we’ve had all the kids full time until the 2nd BM can get her life back together.
You really never know what’s gonna happen. We’ve been together since 2020 with a break of one year in 2023.
I’m thinking about leaving. Nobody is inherently that bad. I just want a more peaceful life. I don’t have any bio children of my own.
I feel guilt if I leave because they girls have not known a stable mother figure. I’m what they have as far as that. How do you get over the guilt that you want just a partner without kids to live a life childfree. Just after time I’ve realized I’m not happy doing this anymore. Obviously they’ll all move out one day but my mental health has already tanked.