u/Deimos7779

I don't know if it's because of work, relationships, family or whatever, but I've been feeling more suicidal these past few weeks. I think and reflect, and I realize how there's not a single person who would be worse off if I died. I don't even think people would benefit from my death anymore, I just think they'd be indifferent to it.

I look at my life and where I am in life right now, and I don't like it. I then look at what I have to do to change it, and I'm scared of how much I have to do, but also mad that I didn't do it before. I try to stay hopeful, but I fall back into bleak realism. I often just accept the thought that I'll kill myself before age 40.

There was a time where these kind of thoughts had subsided, but they're coming back.

Also, right now, I'm clear minded enough to now that I don't actually want to kill myself, I want things to get better. But there were times I wasn't, and there most likely will be times I won't be. I'm scared for the future but I can't do anything about it for now (mental health is way too low on my priority list), so I just try to forget it.

Someone new at work complimented me on my arms saying "You must go to the gym", It's never happened before.

I'm introverted by nature, and often keep to myself, but sometimes at the gym or at work, when I'm with someone even more introverted than I am, I get this weird confidence boost where I'll be able to do and say things that usually my extroverted friends would do for me.

I have a wife, beautiful children, a very nice house and my dream job. I take the time to do fun stuff with my family as much as possible and I can feel how proud of me they are. I'm physically fit and stylish, I have a charismatic voice and behavior, and my children look up to me. I have many skills that I've come to master over the years, a lot of them being creative skills.

I love my life and wake up every day hoping that it won't be the last.