Life feels disabling (advice okay)
TW: mentions self harm and suicidal thoughts/actions in past tense. I'm not doing these presently. Just gives context to how bad the PMDD gets.
I'm in my early 30s. I'm very sure I started experiencing PMDD (though I wouldn't find out about it until my 20s) when I was around 12 when I got more regular periods but bleeding since 9. And around 12/13, I started self harming regularly and a few attempts up till early/mid 20s. By then I was separated from my abusive family and I started going to therapy while working. I can say I've done probably maybe 10 years since my last self harm and last real attempt has to be more than 5. I've learned great skills from therapy, I can actually be self aware now, and I went on meds 2 years ago.
So why am I reaching out? Well. I'm at a loss. For two years I was on Escitalopram 20mg. I loved it while it worked. It was almost numbing. I could feel the PMDD but I didn't have serious episodes of meltdowns. I barely cried actually. I went through cutting my dad off, my senior dogs passing away on it. It got me through it. But then about every 6-8 months it... stopped working. It was like bottled up shit being released. So I'd have to wait a month and start again (per doctor). Then it just wasn't working anymore. We tried prozac for 3 months and it made me so irrevocably angry that I had to get off it. So then we figured it was maybe okay to try and let me feel stuff again.
So now I'm on Desvenlafaxine ER Succinate 50mg. I don't feel numb and generally I feel hopeful and like self confident on it for the past 2 months. But I've noticed it does NOTHING for the PMDD. nada nothing. While on this, I've had a sex drive again (small but had 0 on the others), I want to draw and make stuff. Generally positive. And then the pmdd hits. It hits harder than it has in... awhile. Like almost maybe 50% of the way it did at my worst. I feel and become so hopeless. It's happening now and I think that's prompted me reaching out to the vastness of the internet.
I feel so hopeless about everything. Like there isn't a point in trying anymore. That kind of hopeless. I lost my job of 3 years in December 2025. I got another job in March but they SUPER deceived me on what the job actually was and hid quotas that I'd have to meet so I quit. It was marked as patient care advocacy and it was actually telemarketing and upselling appointments for united Healthcare. Ew. Now I have maybe 1 month of rent left for my partner and I. I live in TX so getting unemployment is difficult and hostile. I don't have any family or fall back or irl support besides my partner. And I think the pmdd is just really pushing me. How am I supposed to function the way I need to if I can't get this thing under some kind of control? Now I don't have insurance to see my psychiatrist either. It's insane that once a month I become so depressed, lifeless, and a husk of a person and then bounce back until the next 4 weeks. It felt easier while I was numb but those meds aren't an option anymore.
What do I do man??
