u/Demonic696969

I've had a best night in years fuck-wise, love-wise, whatever-wise and I've fell in love with a girl, who lives on the other side of the country, but...

She told me I can't keep on drinking alcohol...

So I've went home with a promise, that I won't ever drink again and... now I'm drinking my 8th beer... told her I'm drinking and that I wanna die soon in alcohol-related terms, that was my dream long time ago, yeah, crazy as it sounds, I wanna die like a true drinker.

Then I've told her that we're not meant for each other and stuff, so she told me some not-really-nice things about me, that I love suffering and stuff... that I'm a weak pussy. So... I will never see her again and now it feels dystopian.

One day you feel in love, everything is cartoonish, lovely, sweet and positive, the other day, you just don't feel well, so you start drinking and you fuck yourself up and... everything is gone.

I'm not made for anyone, but alcohol. It's poetic, isn't it?

(Yeah, I have schizophrenia, too, blah blah blah, BPD, ADHD, bipolar, blah blah blah, but the alcohol man... I can't stop drinking and purposely destroying my health, knowing that I'm going to die before my 40's.)

I still love that girl, but she doesn't like alcohol (I'm not really surprised) and gambling and I'm really a pro in both, so... I'm sorry, my love.

This was the best love-making session in years... god damn, I miss her, I miss it.

I've gambled disability + sick-note money 4 months in a row, everything is gone and I'm in debt.

I have compulsive thoughts of gambling in Counter-Strike gambling sites, because years back I've won a lot (lost too).

I live in a very disgusting apartment with my grandpa since I've broke up with ex-gf last September because of her stupid parents, I've left their house and I had nowhere to go so I've ended up at 34 (!) in my grandpa's basement... 2 rooms... boxes with clothes everywhere, depressing place, I hate to be here, yet I'm FUCKING STUCK IN MY HEAD AND IN THIS ROOM for 7+ months and I feel TERRIBLE. I'm helpless. I hate everything.

I've met a girl who lives 250 kilometres away and I'm in love but how can somebody stay with someone who's like me? I am a fucking error.

I don't know anything about how future will look, because we're not really in an official relationship or something, she said it's too early and I must agree, but we're really connected deeply, I've just came "home" (to grandpa's) today from her...

And I can't move from here - no job, no money, I've drank a lot of alcohol last months, gambled after years and... I'm just fucked up here, I don't know if I wanna stay here anymore, I mean here like... whatever. I'm not sure about existing anymore when there is no way out from this DISGUSTING RUT, I hate my FUCKING LIFE (with schizophrenia in my brain, lol wtf???).

God, what have I done to you?

So extremely bored with every breath I take... I hate it here, more and more every second.

There is no way out.

Save me, please, non-existing god.

Maybe it’s about staying real and going against the current, even when everyone says it’s not right. I feel that it is—and I feel it with the purest part of my soul, if something like that even exists.

Deep down, I feel that I am not, and will never be, a slave—because I won’t bow to shepherds and their game of good and evil. I will never play that game, because I’m just raw, unique consciousness that no longer needs to seek acceptance or validation of its own existence—I’m already complete. It’s just hard to admit that.

There’s no manual for what’s right or what we’re supposed to do. No—it’s up to us. But fear rules here—the fear that we’ll lose something if we surrender to the river called living… being. It’s all so simple, clear, and obvious that for someone like me—someone who can understand the deep depths of the ocean—it’s actually hard to grasp such a simple principle. I’ve always struggled with simple things, and maybe that’s why I’m not smart, but just an unknowing piece of flesh and bones that can never truly touch anything or anyone—only create friction, resistance, and feel it on my own body as if I’ve actually reached something. Yet physics says we can’t truly touch anything—there’s always some layer between objects, something that feels like an illusion to us, but still exists.

Was the world created so that everyone could embrace solitude?

That sweet, calm, undisturbed solitude… so we can realize that we are truly alone—and that each of us is the entire universe, with no way to travel into another’s. And yet, together, we are probably one experience that has continued since the Big Bang—we are the Big Bang unfolding.

What’s left, then, but to love it? To love everyone—and to love the idea of their infinite universe?

*(this text was translated literally - from my native language to english, edited a bit and... yeah, enjoy or not enjoy!)

I'm not sure about anything anymore.

I can't put effort into anything, because I see zero potential in everything.

I'm just talking about myself, my "struggles" and I can't be an empath anymore.

My apathy wins, it's a good game... for her.

Life is not a blessing, nor a gift, I hate to say it, but... it's more negatives than positives and I can't see, how to continue... how to move on... what to do - yeah - I have no idea what should I do with my whole existence.

Almost 35 years of suffering, pain, sadness, loneliness and extreme lostness.

I don't know anymore and it seems that I don't care that much, so... I will just wait 'til one of my organs will fail and I will endure more pain and more negativity, then I will die in total despair, my soul is bleeding, bleeding so bad... yet... no clue what am I, no clue what will happen next and no clue about... literally anything.

How can I be an optimist when I've endured so much?

How can I still have any hope, when I can see crystal clear, that it's just an illusion?

What can I do?

What will happen to me?

Why am I just... lost?

Just...

WHY?!

I can't believe what a mess I am being 34 years old.

It's insane to me...

I've drank some beer on pills outside today, slept in the park, went to a restaurant and drank some more, then I woke up (now) in the bed at the actual 2 AM, which is weird, how did I get here?!

I swear to non-existing fat God, that I hate existing, everything is just boring and tiring; I'm already too bored with schizophrenia... not even funny anymore, how it used to be before.

I've gambled like 4000€, which weren't even mine, lol, and do I care? Yeah, I don't.

The thing is that I don't even care what will happen with me anymore, I am a dead man walking, with literally zero future.

I wish I could write poetry, maybe even in English and get paid for it in a monstrous way, so I could buy a '67 Ford Mustang Fastback, take it on some dangerous road full of trucks going on the other side and find one, face to face to pull the Mustang in it... maybe I would be famous on the TV for a while, too, who knows.

I hate it here man... I don't even hate myself that much how I really should at this point, because of how ugly, fat and stupid I am... but I don't care that much about anything. Hehe.

I wish I got a girl, like I always used to have, so I could vent and complain to her 24/7 so her head would have exploded, wtf?! Yeah, and to shag her drunk, with my manly thing not even hard... what a freaking weirdo I am.

Nah, I deserve to be executed and my whole life and brain to be examined and to be shown like the worst case of trying to be a 'hooman'.

*Sigh*.

...but I know you!

I have decided to go nesr forest to drink a sixpack, like a true poet... wishing that I disappear after earing 20 pregabalins... nothing is happening yet and I'm confused.

If there is a God, I want to fuck him in the ass, twice, what a fucking cunt!

I've been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia back in 2012 and... my life took a turn that you don't really want yourself - I've been working as a peer consultant in a psychward last year, now I'm unemployed and I'm borrowing money from bank, gambling it all on Counter-Strike gambling sites... I see money as a virtual credit and I don't give a si gle shit about it.

Give me some more beer, you stupid fucks!

Bro... I swear I'm done with living on a space rock floating through nowhere, I hate it and I don't want anything, but to sleep + get fucked up!

I need love, but it's unavavailable for me, because I look like a fucking hobo, even worse than that, sorry, hobos, I love you.

Fuck man... I don't know.

Chairs.

I feel like I've lived everything that was possible to live through... now I'm just waiting to be erased from this videogame called "life".

I've failed at everything - last try was me going to see and love a girl which lives 250 kms away... so I've went there twice and... literally fucked up the whole "love" thing, GG.

I don't even know anymore... no job, no money, no love, no nothing, there should be an easy exit from this bullshit called "reality".