u/Dense-Discount-9175

That I am and have been in a crisis for a very long time. I hoard food containers, I enjoy looking at them, I break them down flat and hide them behind my dresser, under my bed, im my closet, under the couch, I leave them out, too.

I will finance/pay in 4 to binge Burger King and Popeyes. I have a tower of slurpee cups.. I will eat so much pretzel pizza from little Caesar’s that I go dizzy. I probably owe thousands all from DoorDashing.

TW— I purge food and my toilet is always caked with throw up, the tiles are as well. I can’t keep a job and I haven’t talked to my friends in 3+ years, my best friend almost a year and a half.

I don’t drink or do drugs, in fact, I was quite successful and tidy when I did. I have been sober for a year and half.

The maintenance men had to come in to clean the vents and I was able to get my apartment presentable enough just before they came in. I threw everything into garbage bags and tote bins and now I have my collection of takeout containers and trash mixed in with keepsakes and important paperwork.

I have had 32 jobs, most of them in the last 5 years.

I am always fighting with myself to do the things that keep me housed. These things include laundry, showering, saving enough money to afford transportation to work, keeping a job until I find a new one, showing up on time. If I’m not clean I won’t leave the house.

If I fall asleep without having anything clean to wear, if I wake up late do not have enough time to shower without being egregiously late, I will call out; I have run out of sick time and the only reason I am still employed is because a bunch of people quit.

I am tired and scared of myself. I met someone and had to keep him distant, because my current state is not something I want to share or try to trust someone with.

The one you cared about deeply, felt something you never felt before, couldn’t get off your mind.

Were you reserved? Refrained from asking them if they needed a ride? Wanted to go get a coffee? Were you scared to cross the line between friends into more?

— I am wondering if there were ever a person in your life you had (almost, the unknown is still present) chemistry/attraction with, that you did not act on or kept hidden; why you decided to do so. Not approaching or seeing from a far, but someone you have/had in your life.

I am currently 31, on my 32nd soon to be 33rd job. It started out as survival, I was 23, my bills were $1350 base, no gas or groceries, I was making $1200 a month. I had to find better work.

In 5 years I was making almost 6 figures through job hopping. It was thrilling in the middle. I have driven trucks, managed stores/restaurants, I am an incredible chef (kitchens were my first jobs), been brand ambassadors, sales, bar tending, commercial cleaning, paralegal, process serving.

My favorite job was delivering appliances. I was so nervous at first because fridges are so heavy and getting them up stairs and in tight spaces is very stressful, you get a 300lbs fridge up 4 flights of stares and then dent it, you have to carry it back down while being screamed at.

I made $1700 a week delivering appliances, I was all muscle, 4am to 8pm, 6 days a week.

I kept my apartment clean, made dinner every night, showered at night and in the morning, laundry every other night, had an extensive alternating nightly routine that took about 45-60+ minutes; face mask, full body shave, teeth whitening, self tanner, exfoliating, hair mask.

I met a guy at work, I wasn’t expecting it and at first I didn’t entertain it that much. We shared our lives and the things we’ve been through and our plans for the future, music, opinions and thoughts on personal and controversial matters, we would talk all day, we would spend some portion of our only day off together or talking. We weren’t on the same truck much, but I saw him everyday of the week.

He was seeing several other people and I caught him with someone, he expressed they meant nothing and I strangely didn’t care, we weren’t at a place where I could care. Until we were, when I had to face reality and still work with him.

There was a 30rack of Labatt in the entryway closet, I had just gotten home from the worst day, I had three more days to go, I dragged the box into the bathroom and sat in the shower, drinking, talking to my brother, parents, and a friend, listening to music, all via Bluetooth speaker, while the hot water beat down on my face and body, then, it all went black.

I woke up on the couch with afternoon sun hitting my naked body, my phone hot, stuck to my back, with a video of a woman weaving a basket playing, countless missed calls from work. I went to call my boss when I decided I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to see that guy again.

That was four years ago.

I started job hopping even harder, barely staying somewhere long enough to get the first direct deposit. Everything started slipping. My apartment is a mess, I am a mess, I lost my car.

Now, I make minimum wage at a thrift store, work about 35 hours a week, don’t clean, don’t look after myself.

At work, we are watched by cameras all day, we mediate boredom through conversing after tasks are complete, we have incredible talks about life and laugh hysterically. Then, when we show up for our next shift, we have new notes and corrective actions waiting for us, stating we are not to be standing around, doing nothing.

We are the cleanest store in their organization, we wash and test all of the items before selling, keep the clothes organized by materials and size, when we are done we gather around the register or by the front racks and we talk about our lives and things we did or will be doing. They have to schedule a certain number of employees, regardless if we are slow or not.

Been at this place 6 months, the only reason I’ve lasted this long is because of a guy I think I like, he only works 3 days a week and he is leaving in 2 weeks.

That is why I will soon be going onto my 33rd job.