u/DevelopmentPrior5572

Everyone else seems like a robot to me.

These are words used to make themselves look better on the surface, not to actually show you how much they care about you.

If they loved you, would you feel so disgusting in their company? Absolutely not.

Then this leads to the next question: "What do you love?" You know absolutely nothing about me as a person. What can you possibly love, except the fact that I have parts of who you are biologically. If it's the biological aspect you only favour, then you are nothing but a selfish cunt.

Don't fall for it. They're doing this to manipulate you and make them not appear like the villain.

I knew what place he was coming from. He is (To a T) the quintessential "normal" guy. Stable family, easygoing, spends solid time with them and his dogs etc when he's not working. And he really is a good person and easy to talk to. But what he said hit a nerve with me, because I was the painfully quiet kid. The kid who everyone always asked "Why are you so shy?"

Another colleague was there at the time, and I just couldn't hold back. I stood up for myself and other kids who were just like me. I said that maybe they're like that because they experienced some kind of trauma growing up, or their environment didn't let them express themselves.

I'm glad he's "normal", but mate, we weren't quiet because we wanted to be.

I don't dwell on it for s***s and giggles. I realise this is what made me this mess of a human being. I cannot ignore it or forget it. Because what happened to me was not okay. And telling me to "move on" certainly doesn't make you appear better in my eyes.

Yeah, just f*** your kid up, and then have the gall to blame the kid for having feelings.

I'm so angry. Not everyone deserves children.

Like they'd probably care in that superficial way you care when someone dies, but I can't see my mother doing that full ass ugly cry like "my baby is gooooneeeee!!!! 😭😭😭" And that's the weirdest thing to think about.

Like here's the deal. They did what they had to do "on paper". Provide the roof, the food, the clothes, but the feeling of "I'm home" was never there. I never really felt that safe or comfortable in my own home. Especially knowing that's where my cold and absent father existed.

But my mother is someone I thought was different. In the past year she feels like a stranger to me. Is it because I grew up mentally and realised how crap my upbringing was?

There's heaps to unpack. But all I can say is, I don't feel s*** for anyone or anything currently except my bed and blanket.

There are no real words to describe it.

I imagine saying something like "severe depression" is accurate, but for me it feels way more sinister.

It's like no matter how hard you try to explain it nobody is ever going to understand how demonic this feels. It's like depression got dipped in poison or something.

And I think in those moments it also became painstakingly clear for her as well just how much she doesn't feel for me.

But apparently they do this to make themselves feel better.

Seriously, this deep hole in my soul didn't appear out of nowhere. It's where the real love should have been, from both of my progenitors. Saying those three words without that emotional connection and trust is absolutely comical.

I wish people would stop throwing "I love you" around like it means something.

And it does mean something, but only when used in the right context. Only when that genuine connection exists.

Thank you father and grandfather. Truly.

Thank you for never praising these selfless women by your side for all of their efforts. /s

Who am I?

I meet men who pay attention to me, sure. I can see they are vulnerable. But you know what else? They're married. Some aren't, but they too do not wish to entangle themselves with me. Not long term.

34 years old. What are you even meant to do at this point?

"Your report card is terrible, Jimmy... You're a failure!"

"No, father, your report card is terrible."

"What?! I don't have a report card!"

"And that's the problem. But here's my assessment anyway: You're a failure!"

"Here, have this depression! Ha ha ha, you dumb b****. You think you deserve better? You don't. I'm gonna make you eat proverbial s*** each time you're in luteal! Why? Hell, nobody really knows, I simply picked you out of all the women in this world, now deal with it! So anyways, you're gonna bleed soon, and guess what? My job isn't done yet. I'm gonna make you ache. Better stock up on that pain medicine, cause God sure as hell won't heal those pathetic cramps. Ha ha ha. See you again next month loser, and then again every month after that! But don't worry, I'll never fail to make you feel inferior. Take it easy, buddy!"

u/igetyourband gave me the inspiration to make this post, after their own one about what you would call a book about your own life.

For me the biggest one that stands out is "To the Moon and Back" by Savage Garden.

We're just these things that hop into cars and drive to some location, spend some time doing something we have to do, then go back home and spend some more time doing something before we go to bed, where we wake up and repeat the whole process.

Society created this for us, but I don't think it's healthy.

I want to low key live in a small village. Am I nuts? I hate the hustle and bustle.

We're both moving and alive, but they're getting the thrill of their lives, whilst I'm just barely getting ahead.

I was meant to get these extra wheels taken off, but for some reason it never happened. I didn't really know why. I thought maybe I was just too different and it was my own fault for not being as good or skilled like the others were. Just a mental defect of sorts.

Then you realise far too late that the other kids had their parents help them get to the mountain bike stage. And they did it with the utmost love and support, because they wanted to see their child thrive in life.

And you're still here, in your mid thirties, wondering what it feels like to ride a mountain bike.

("Mountain bike" can be analogous to a number of things, but in this context you could call it "living life to the fullest").

"Oh look, guys, she's totally got daddy issues! Remember, don't stick your dick in crazy, boys!"

It's like, these phrases always painted the victim like they were somehow the weird ones for having these problems. Nobody cared to get down to the crux of why the problems were even there. It was just like "Daddy didn't love you? Boo hoo b****, don't need to make it your damn personality. Grow a spine."

Except, Daddy's the one who makes us feel whole and complete. If he never did that, and I'm a broken person, why am I the laughing stock?

I suck at masking too, so it just makes it look even more obvious that I'm damaged and trying to hide it. 🥹

"You what? Dude... Parents generally don't give a f*** about their kids. They'll put a roof over their head, feed them, clothe them, and once they're 18, sayonara. If you weren't beaten, count your freaking blessings and stop being such a pansy. Jesus."

And this is exactly the toxic mindset that creates generational trauma. Humans passing covert abuse down the line without truly realising how damaging this is to people's health and wellbeing.

We're expected to believe this is OK. It is NOT. Your child is not a robot. Show LOVE. Show CARE. Make them feel SEEN.

I mean I get it. Some parents really are missing the empathy chip. Don't know what to make of that, but it's a damn shame your kids never got to experience a true child-parent relationship. And I'm not sure how not having that relationship can even make procreation worth it.

Note: This is not an antinatalist post.

I just think that not enough parents understand the depth of creation. I don't think they understand what it means to create life. Very few have the capabilities to guide that life to experience existence in a wholesome and fullfilling way, and so many don't think it's their job to guide the child at all, which is incredibly sad. These are the people who procreate to simply check an item off a to-do-list.

It frustrates me that there aren't enough tools available for individuals who have felt wronged by the system of life. We shouldn't have to accept the life we were forced into. More options should be available for people who want to live happier and healthier lives away from humans who didn't serve us to the required capacity.

Don't tell me I'm wrong. I'm so fing done with this s. I have to vent. Thank you for letting me do so.