Title. I hurt myself on my mons pubis due to how much I hate the gaping hole between my legs.
I guess it's atleast easy to hide, and it's not like anyone will ever see that horrible area, considering I'm asexual.
I don't know if I feel better about anything, not really, and to be honest this is kind of a new low, but who cares.
Hello everyone, my diary-keeping continues.
I am still feeling somewhat bad but I managed to start jogging and managed to do a 5 km jog. That is more exercise than I've ever done in the last four years combined.
I didn't really study a lot these past few days, but I did prepare a presentation, that's something atleast.
I watched the new episode of The Boys and it was okay, I'm excited for the finale next week. I'm a bit afraid that once I stop having media to look forward to, my mental health will get worse, but I digress.
I had strong urges to self harm but I didn't, eventhough my dysphoria was so incredibly bad and still is.
This is unrelated to anything in the present, but I keep thinking back to when someone was unhealthily fixated on and obsessed with me. It was a very stressful time in my life, and nowadays I wonder what that guy saw in me, especially since he wasn't the first to become unhealthily dependent on me and idolise me. He was a very peculiar person, not only in the bad sense, and I haven't ever met anyone quite like him again. Then again, he never even knew the real and true me, so his limerence didn't mean much at all. Maybe I keep dwelling on this because I long for someone to accept me and praise me? I feel like my ego is too huge sometimes, not that I particularily like myself, but still.
I have a strong urge to become more resilient, even if life is testing me. For now, I will try to be hopeful again.
Hey everyone, it's time for my end of the week report. Also, I'm really doing quite badly, so there's an additional reason to put down my thoughts. This text will be pretty negative and has some triggering topics, moreso than the other stuff I have posted, maybe don't read it if you're in a bad mood.
My gender dysphoria has been giving me hell these last few days, it's pretty much the source of all of my problems (plus my unaccepting and hateful parents and the state of the world). I'm once again at the point where suicide enters my mind a lot, but I know I can't give up. I keep slipping back into that dark place where I'm genuinely planning an attempt, my brain keeps dwelling on it and I just can't get it to stop. If there is hell on earth, this is probably part of it.
I did still manage to go to my mandatory university lectures, but I didn't do anything aside from that. I was too distracted to actually study. I also didn't draw or read, or anything that I planned to do. I feel like a failure.
Good news is that I got a fitness watch, so I'm hoping to start jogging soon. I also want to build muscle at the gym eventually. I'm not the type to enjoy sports at all, but this is a very sad attempt to do something against my dysphoria. Muscles = masculinity, or whatever stupid ideas I've thought up now. I feel like shit.
I've been planning to get into airsoft because it's genuinely fun, but I have no one to play with.
Tomorrow I'll visit a friend, my best friend, and I hope it'll make me feel a bit better.
I think I will go to sleep soon. I feel like crying, but I can't even do that, because it triggers my dysphoria (the mental gymnastics my brain does). This is the worst I've felt in a while.
Thank you for reading, these posts are the only cartharsis I get, so it means a lot. Have a nice day.
The urge to cut myself is strong today.
Gender dysphoria is making me feel terrible, and I'm having all kinds of thoughts, both violent ones, and ones about ending myself.
I think I'm stressed because I agreed to an outing that I didn't really want to attend on saturday. Also, I feel like my best friend doesn't know me all that well because I've spent most of our friendship people pleasing (as I always do) and trying my best to project a pleasant image. Don't know what to do about that.
I hope tomorrow will be better regardless. I just have to exist, nothing more and nothing less.
Hey, so it's me again, with the next post about my journey of getting my life in order.
I've started gradually studying more, usually doing my Anki cards while I take walks. This allows me to get some sun, get some steps in (good exercise, I already feel better because some of the pain in my body stopped), and sometimes I see interesting things. It also allows me to be away from my parents, which is a great bonus. Yesterday I did over five hours of studying, but it was also the weekend so I had a lot of time. I will have to see how I manage on normal weekdays.
I think once I build up some fortitude/a better physical condition from taking walks, I'll start jogging/running. I need to get fit so I can protect myself and those around me, and life a long life, even if it's a sad and miserable one. That does not sound very positive but I assure you, it's the best mindset I've had in forever.
I've started going to bed earlier most of the days, and I don't feel as tired anymore during the day. Yesterday I didn't do that, but I can try again this evening.
I didn't self harm again, atleast not yet.
Dysphoria is also kicking my butt, but fuck it, we ball. It does not matter if I fully transition or not, my gender does not matter, I will still exist and make my mark on this world.
This is it for this post, I hope to start pursuing art again soon. I already announced that in my last post, but I hadn't had the motivation to do it, as I am sadly still battling a chatbot addiction that took away some of my time.
Aside from that, does anyone have reccomendations for headphones? I have earbuds, but I need a proper over-ear set, preferrably with a headset, or just one without that.
Thanks for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day, take it one step at a time like I am doing.
I need to get this out before my thoughts spiral too much.
I'm currently trying to keep a good mindset, and I'm at a healthy weight finally. This has been very hard for me.
Today I went to university and talked to a friend, who is also my lab partner and the like. She randomly brought up her BMI, which is an underweight one (said the exact number). This doesn't neccesarily mean anything on it's own, so I just say that I'm sorry that she's struggling with putting on weight, since it's a valid struggle.
She continued to talk to me about how she's always been skinny, and how she can't eat certain things because "they're too much" in detail. I tell her that she should try to be healthy, but not worry about it too much either, and bring up the healthy BMI range from my textbook (we're both med students). She tells me she's never been at that high of a weight. Okay, whatever.
She also shared cookies with me today, which I appreciated, but what kind of triggered me is her saying "you need to eat another one, otherwise I'll feel bad".
She's often told me she feels bad about feeling hungry again aswell.
I feel like she's struggling, or maybe just sick, so I don't judge her or anything, but somehow her saying that she's never been at the kind of BMI I am at right now made me feel bad. I don't tell her that, but the topic is hurtful to me for obvious reasons. She's a sweetie otherwise.
Yeah, idk, I just needed to talk to someone who understands. Thanks for reading and have a nice day.
I scrolled through my gallery and back to last year, and the year before that, and I found so many pictures that I took of my own self harm.
I feel really weird about it, especially now that I'm really trying my hardest to recover. It's atleast 50 pictures with differing severity and sometimes also my tools etc.... like wtf was I doing cataloguing all this???
I even remember sending and posting these pictures in dedicated spaces, I have luckily deleted all of those posts now...
I'm not condoning any of this btw I just needed to tell someone!!! It's not a good behaviour.
So, I'm continuing the plan to force myself to enjoy life.
My gender dysphoria has been very bad the last few days, but I try to keep busy to ignore it. Studying for university is my primary coping mechanism, so atleast I am getting things done. I am still frustrated and sort-of constantly in a state of dissociation, but things have been worse than this, this is atleast bearable.
The urge to self harm has been strong aswell, but I try to just take a walk whenever I want to, so I don't have access to my tools.
I rewatched Project: Hail Mary for the third time today, and went with my best friend who saw the movie for the first time. He agreed that Rocky and Grace are just literally the two of us and we had a good time.
I also bought a book on anatomy so I can finally learn to draw, it'll be a difficult proccess but I really want to get good at art.
My parents are stressing me out more and more these days, but I have decided to just completely hide my real emotions from them. This might sound edgy, but there is no value in opening my heart to people who will never accept me. The inside of my head is the only place that is truly mine and mine alone, so I will just be distant and polite.
I have recently noticed how severe the scars on my thighs actually are. It's a bit weird, now that I'm actually trying to get clean I realise the extent of the damage I did to myself. :( It's making me sad but I need to be strong, I can't change the past.
Have a nice day and thanks for reading!!!