u/Dietoriku

Or at least that's how I feel, which my brain keeps trying to wash away with a wave of delusion

Hi, I'm 17 male.. currently undiagnosed and I don't really know why I'm sharing all of this; I can already tell I'm deleting half of what I share, maybe I won't even post this at all because it already feels like judgy people are watching me as I'm typing this all down

This will be quite long, so scroll away if you're not willing to listen to a stranger rambling about their life

Also, I'm really sorry for the terrible formatting, I'm new to Reddit and to this sub, which I haven't even joined in.. I definitely should do that

But anyway, I'll get to the point

Two months ago, I had a traumatic fallout with my father where we traded hands with each other, causing my nose to bleed and his eye to bruise which caused him to shout death threats at me and forcing me to desperately pack my stuff and head towards my grandmother's house which was about 25 km away at 12 dead in the middle of the night, I was basically asking for death at the time

And the next morning, of course my father pretended nothing happened when he chased after me that night to persuade me to come back while not giving a damn about causing a scene

Now I can still clearly visualize everything, but the dialogue and the chronological order seems confusing, even missing

The best way I can describe how I view life right now is that a camera is recording what I see.. no I am the camera, and the films I spew out of the back of my head are cut into individual frames I stash away in a folder somewhere while some get totally lost to the piles of crumpled paper scattered about

And it was up until a month ago I started to wonder what the hell it was that was wrong with me, cuz see I had a list of all the possible mental conditions so when I had the chance to finally see a licensed professional I could show them the list (I don't remember doing it for attention other than also showing my closest friend, not sure why I did but the list is gone now)

[I just deleted like a whole side story but whatever]

So I deleted the list because I discovered OSDD and the mental conditions didn't really fit my experience

To cut everything short, after doing a month of research I've now concluded that I'm a protector alter that took over the front as the host stepped back to rest

I've actually been here typing away for an hour or so now, and have felt the need to just delete all of this and ignore it but my desire overrode the feeling for some reason so here we are

Please, to whoever is reading this right now, feel free to ask me questions about anything, I'm tired of pouring whatever's left of my heart out only to delete it and repeat this cycle so just ask

I'm also satisfied with just posting this and walking away without anyone reading this random pile of shit I procured, the goal has completely changed from I don't know what the hell to just ending this and ignoring it

I also apologize in advance for being insensitive to this subreddit, I.. just have none other to turn to but ask strangers on an online platform for advice because this is starting to ruin me, thank you for reading this far