u/DifferentOstrich5814

this is going to sound so silly but a big source of my burnout is daily litter box cleaning. it’s not the only contributing factor, i have a lot of dr’s appointments due to being chronically ill which has taken a toll on me as well, but there’s a lot more flexibility with that specifically. and i think some of the burnout from litter box cleaning is the pain that comes with arthritis and chronic illness.

it’s been about a month now of daily cleaning, and yes i know i should have been doing it before, and i know i can’t stop now. that doesn’t fully have to do with my cats either, it’s now in my routine, and my autism routine seeking part of my brain can’t stand to think about skipping even a single day, but both autism and adhd executive dysfunction make the action feel like i’m chewing on sand. every time i start cleaning them i feel fine and relieved, but no matter what i can’t convince my brain that it will be fine despite having done it so much and it being fine when i do. and i already know that’s not how it works, but i wish it did.

every day i do it i feel it eat away at me more and more where im worried ill go full burnout. but i dont have an option. i feel like its killing me mentally. i know that sounds over the top. i keep noticing the signs of burnout more and more despite efforts to lessen the pressure on other aspects of my life. i dont know why this is such a big deal.

i dont know if anyone can relate, but if anyone thinks they have any helpful input or advice id appreciate it. because i dont want to let my cats down. and i dont want to send myself on a downward spiral

Growing up i was in a family that for the most part didn’t give a single fuck about what i did my interests didn’t care about how i felt and if i was sad it was “my childhood was worse than yours i didn’t get what you had so suck it up” and it’s not that i don’t get that frustration, but i don’t think ‘better’ means good. when i was sad my mom tried to help minimally and when i wasn’t happy soon enough she’d get mad and give up. she had severe trauma and so the fact that even she couldn’t understand me as i kid made me feel so alone. she also had severe alcohol issues, would be sober for a bit and would relapse. going out to party, coming home wasted, throwing up and forcing me to be the one to clean it up. she’d yell at me a lot and when i would get upset i was forced to apologize. i remember i told her i hated her because we were doing back to school clothes shopping she was drunk, drove me drunk to and from the store, she got mad i was taking too long, hit on the obviously much younger cashier, was super mean and yelled at me the whole way home and i told her “i hate you, i’ve hated you for a long time, you don’t love me, im not exaggerating, i genuinely hate you” and i meant it but also didn’t. and the ‘didn’t’ aspect was more like, it’s very hard for a kid to fully hate their parent because they’re your parent. i think i also hoped she’d apologize or even care just a little bit. there was some physical abuse, but mainly verbal, a lot of enmeshment where my mom saw me not as my own person but an extension of herself. a lot of codependency where my mom put the obligation of managing her emotions and pain, essentially asking me to not abandon her, she’s a good mother i should be grateful stuff like that. even now that she’s better i can’t forgive her, i can’t stop being mad even for my own sake, and i never got an explicit apology and probably never will. it sucks but id rather not rehash shit. i think the worse thing is during covid i had stayed at my partners place for a bit because the arguing in that house was so bad. and when i came back i was confined in a room for 22 days, couldn’t shower, did not have access to feminine hygiene, had to go to a restroom in a bucket type thing that was shaped to mimic a toilet. i had to remove the bucket and clean it myself and it was so humiliating. when id beg for food they’d get mad and told me to wait till they woke up and they’d always sleep until like 2pm. and when i went to a psych hospital and reported it they basically had already come up with their own story and nobody believed me because of that. when i came home they punished me really harshly, making me sleep in their room, no phone, unable to leave so i could always be in their sight, and when id cry they’d threaten to take even more from me if i didn’t stop. that definitely contributed to me feeling unable to talk about stuff to people i was close to, because to me closeness = punishment. and so in abusive relationships i never blamed my abuser, i instead told myself i was bad for not being okay with the abuse, and that if i just could make myself okay the relationship would be good. it did not occur to me that the problem was how they treated me, and after a few abusive relationships i learned that talking about the abuse to my friends led to the end of the relationships. and so my most abusive relationship i told myself “if i don’t tell anyone things will be fine, i can pretend it’s not happening, because if no one else knows i won’t be reminded of it. and our relationship will be good. no one will interfere. and when i couldn’t ignore the abuse, i cut off my friends because i felt bad potentially exposing my friends to the drama but all i did was hurt them. anyways this kinda got off topic from the main point, the main point was did anyone else experience combinations of neglect, overdependence, some physical abuse, and genuine periods of what seemed like normal?

How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.

22, transmasc, i’d say i am a kind and respectful person, i tend to see myself as less than others often, i find it hard to relate to people in general, although i get along with people in their late 20’s early 30’s. i try to keep an open mind, i try very hard to understand different life experiences and choices and to hold nuance. something i say a lot to myself and others is “if i were that person i would have made the same choices they made because those are the choices they made” which a lot of people have told me doesn’t fully make sense which i get. i like to learn, i like art but i find it hard to not treat it as some sort of math. maybe i shouldn’t care so much because art is so personal to the individual. i’m interested in stuff like science art music, medical science and psychology, i also enjoy philosophy sociology history stuff in that vein. i know a bit about quantum mechanics and i want to learn more about theology

• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?

i have autism adhd, ocd, along with an autoimmune condition.

• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?

i don’t know if this is what the question is asking, but i came from a very unstructured dysfunctional chaotic anxious family.

• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?

i don’t work due to being disabled

• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?

it depends if i were burnt out or lonely at that moment. a whole weekend alone would be a bit much i think though.

• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?

i like video games, hiking, going on walks, listening to music, researching my interests that were previously stated, spending time with the people i care about, trying to provide to my community in the best ways i can.

• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?

i feel like i kinda already touched on this. i don’t know if i really have ‘goals’ i seek to execute more than just a general goal of understanding the ways the world works both on a small and large scale

• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?

i don’t know but ive been told that ive made people question their own beliefs pretty often, so if i were to categorize it i want to make people grow and also be able to hold nuance like i do because i think it is good for people mentally and intellectually while also probably improving relationships

• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?

i struggle with fine motor coordination because of autism and i just often don’t do things that require fine motor skills

• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.

i kind of explained this already, but id say drawing is the art form i take part in most, and feel the most rewarded when i can tell the proportions of what i am drawing are good. i really like music specifically the progressive side of things, and i like to analyze lyrics very often and appreciate unique choices and complex rhythm

• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?

the passage of time freaks me out and when i think about it i can’t help but think about the fact that i will die and everything i have worked towards will mean nothing in the end even though i know that’s not how i should think of it

• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

i try to help when i can because i see no reason to deny helping someone unless it’s something i disagree with. i also am pretty aware of my limits and try to take care of myself

• Do you need logical consistency in your life?

yes. i don’t know how else too elaborate other that i get frustrated if things aren’t logically consistent

• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?

somewhat. i try to think about the most efficient way to do things and it feels rewarding when i find a new efficient way to do something

• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?

i don’t know if this counts but i try to meet people where they’re at. so say im trying to get someone to understand me, i try to think about their personality political beliefs age stuff like that and try to “speak their language”

• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?

i already listed them and it’s because i like to learn about the world and i like bonding with nature. it makes me feel more in touch with the animal side of humanity

• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?

• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?

• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?

i want to be someone who leads by example and helps people learn to be self sufficient. i want to help people learn to be compassionate towards themselves and others. i want the world to be a better place where we don’t have to worry about stuff we worry about that i often get confused over. like the borders of country or war. i feel like humans are too advanced for stuff like that. i also want to make sure i don’t become a leader in the traditional sense because i think people should be their own leaders

• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?

not mattering. not helping people. being bad. people hating me. the world becoming broken beyond repair. i hate how anxious i am. i feel like it prevents me from progressing in life.

• What do the "highs" in your life look like?

when i’m able to get the stuff i need to get done and when im getting along with myself and others

• What do the "lows" in your life look like?

i isolate, cant do the things i need to do, and mean to myself and other, i feel like there’s no point in working towards the things i care about

• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?

if i have nothing to do i daydream a lot. if i have something to do i try not to. a lot of my detachment from reality is usually just adhd thinking about random unrelated stuff

• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?

depends how long i’m in there. im pretty sure psychologically it doesn’t take very long for people to start going ‘crazy’, so i’d probably be going crazy

• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?

if i don’t make the decision quickly i probably won’t make a decision at all or will make the wrong one. usually my knee jerk reaction is correct

• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?

emotions are important in life in general. it’s different for each emotion. i think some things can even take years. stuff like traumas which you have to think about over time to process

• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?

yes because i’m afraid of escalation. usually this is more during conflict or if a discussion is getting heated. i notice other people often do it to. i believe that people decide that some things aren’t worth the effort to argue. when it comes to conflict, i definitely do it to an unhealthy extent

• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?

i don’t know if i ‘break rules’ but i think authority should be challenged because everything should be challenged. you should never accept anything without thinking about it first, i think such a thing erodes critical thinking