u/DifficultAsparagus28

Horror stories I’ve observed and things I’ve picked up on in conversations.

What’s your experience navigating dating within the HSV community and not trauma dumping or giving them a lure of what lead up to your diagnosis?

We’re in a unique position to actually connect with individuals who actually understand what you may be experiencing but at the same time it may lead to an unhealthy dynamic or predatory relationships. Let me explain, some individuals may not be upfront about their dating history because it makes them the bad guy or they’re still a shitty person navigating their diagnosis and looking for someone with low self esteem or desperate.

It may be easier to date within the community, however, what is your experience with individuals who may not want to disclose their dating history and if you’re a person that’s been hurt before and want to avoid being hurt again? It seems like the biggest part (which is the disclosure) and everything else is taken with a grain of salt.

I’m looking for a feminine warm floral or fruity floral perfume that can outlast NYC summers. I frequent NYC and go in smelling great and leave smelling like exhaust, heavy grease, food and sweat, and faint pee. & I love NYC sooooo much! 😭

Any perfumes that you recommend that not only performs in the summer heat but still has great silage and projection so you don’t get mixed up with those smells?

Day or night time perfume recs are welcomed.

Just like the title says, I’d like to start a discussion on relationships to pick everyone’s brain, both as conversational and reflective piece because as some posts reflect that dating can sometimes be disappointing.(Interactive questions at the end).

It may be true that the psychological and emotional stress that comes with disclosing to a non-postive person is reduced significantly when dating within the HSV community but is the hardest part truly over?

Relationships are complex because people are complex. Values, life paths, communication styles, emotional habits, personalities, compatibility, timing, all of it plays a role.

What’s something you’ve acknowledged about yourself, or are currently working on, that you think could make a relationship difficult or less ideal right now?

And what’s something about you that genuinely makes you stand out as a partner, what makes you a “catch”…

My guilty pleasures lately has been to watch Singles Night on YouTube of various churches. However, I have yet to come across a church leader that emphasizes both biblical teachings and the very realistic, psychological and emotional harm of ‘rushed’ marriage because premarital sex is a sin. Verbatim a pastor on singles night said “if you can’t wait, get married”. I’m not saying that’s not biblical, I’m saying further education is needed especially for young people. I’m 33, abstinent and can’t imagine someone who is 21 who doesn’t have the level of lived experiences to understand and are told to just marry anyway. My point is, the church should steward and educate young people, and people in general, when speaking on sexual immorality they should cover to bring to God your battles with sexual immorality and lack of discipline that marriage is not a means to escape it. Your spouse cannot help you with a sin you refuse to bring to God, especially if it’s something you withheld from your partner thinking because you’re married it will go away.

***read that AGAIN before commenting*** I NEVER said young people can not have successful marriages.

I’ve consumed a lot of Christian content in the regards of dating and marriage, especially popular shows like Hardly Initiated on YouTube. Here are my observations of possible risks that women have to endure in marriage that wasn’t properly vetted in the areas of sexual discipline.

- their spouse first time practicing monogamy is in the marriage (high chance of infidelity)
- their partner lacks emotional intelligence when it comes to sex discipline ( sick, postpartum)
-their spouse has a porn addiction.
-their spouse sexual drives are significantly unaligned with theirs
- they’re unaware that their spouse has sexual kinks and being a “freak” is deeply rooted in porn culture.

Edit & Context: Christian podcast and figure Dear Future Wifey Podcast, publicly stated infidelity was the cause of previous marriage to end and in his declaration to finding a new wife, he said “I want my wife to be a freak” publicly. (Which I thought was not in good taste)

My question is has your church addressed this and in what ways can the church support singles from making this mistake? Marriage counseling is definitely an answer and I’m very certain a good spiritual leader will cover ALL OF THIS in counseling however, BEFORE we even get there before we even get the ring, are we talking about this as bluntly as possible?

What are your thoughts overall on this topic? Any stories you’d like to share?

Edit: PLEASE 🙏🏾 READ CAREFULLY BEFORE COMMENTING WHAT I DID NOT SAY.

****Downvoting because of the topic is very immature. I’m asking and bringing awareness to real issues, and asking for biblical context to guide young people, women and men in waiting, marriage minded individuals who don’t want to marry someone who is sexual undisciplined and thinks marriage is a possible solution

PLEASE COMMENT BELOW TO FIND A POSSIBLE CONNECTION.

🌎Age, Gender, Ethnicity/Background (if you’re willing to date outside of it) Height, Religion.

📍Location (if you’re willing to date long distance)

💓👩‍❤️‍👨Followed by what you’re looking for (casual, dating, long term) and any detail you wish to add. 💍

Feel free to include as a conversation starter

✅interests or hobbies 🥾✈️🚴⛳️🏀
✅ fun fact about yourself😎📌
✅ current show, book, or song you enjoy. 📚🎧🎭

❌lastly non-negotiables!

🪩🕺🏾💃🏾 BONUS: Your Idea Of A Perfect Date

(My answer in the chat 💬)

Since last year fully surrendering to God after my first Esther fast, and when I get frustrated to the point of tears and can’t articulate myself, I found myself in the habit of let my tears drop on the scripture I’m reading and ask God does he not take account for my tears? I even ask the Holy Spirit to translate how I’m feeling when I physically don’t have the strength to pray.

I know God is listening but sometimes my emotions need a physical way to get to him. I feel like I’m sobbing and his open palms are gently caressing my face. I’m in the waiting room of my season and I’ve been getting dreams that my name will be called soon, and my faith and obedience has saved me— I’m just in my humanity right now and i have waves of feeling impatient and thee most emotionally expressive I’ve ever been in my journey, constant tear flow.

What are some of your “that’s a me and God thing?”
How long have you been waiting in your journey?

You can still date responsibly, your life isn’t over.

33F BLK (I’m speaking to women because I’m a woman but if this fits you as a man, please feel empowered as well.) 💕🫂

To the women looking for casual hookups, I empower you. You don’t live in shame.

To the women looking for something serious (like myself), be ghost-able, especially prior to your diagnosis, used to operating from people pleasing tendencies, and not fully empowered in your decision making because you didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and thought, “could do better but this isn’t bad”, (you learned it did in fact get worse or that you were energetically drained and unhappy).

If you’ve put in the work post HSV (therapy, repairing your self-esteem and self-concept) and came back more confident than ever you don’t live in shame, and still feel empowered in your standards, don’t get sad or worked up about things not working out or not progressing beyond an introduction. ( you’re doing something you didn’t get the initial chance to do in the past which is the right to CHOOSE)

If the first 5 minutes already starts off physical whatever it may be, poor characteristics, unaligned values, even red flags, be ghostable. Talk about your desire to be monogamous, talk about desiring a family, talk about your faith as annoyingly possible, talk about your political stance, your culture, non-negotiables, talk about marriage— have something to say and men who aren’t interested will stop engaging or try to test your boundaries even in some cases rage bait.

Because unfortunately men will think you’re desperate because you have HSV and, for men, women will probably think the same.

You can still get it right. You can still have your happy ending if you don’t lead with cynicism, if you don’t maladaptive cope into believing that you don’t deserve to be loved, that your life is over. Identify what you’re masking, address your cynicism, sarcasm, and pessimism.

Ask yourself truly if you desire to be loved, and if you do, be ghostable weed them out until someone thinks, you know what this person has a lot to say, it’s commendable, I’d love to find out more (and if he’s confused on how you’re coming across or communicating he will initiate a phone call or more in depth questions) or he’ll say yeah that’s not for me. REJECTION IS STILL PROTECTION. Yes you have HSV but you can have HSV and be in a miserable relationship or settled.

You got this 💕

You can still date responsibly, your life isn’t over. 33F BLK (I’m speaking to women because I’m a woman but if this fits you as a man, please feel empowered as well.) 💕🫂

To the women looking for casual hookups, I empower you. You don’t live in shame.

To the women looking for something serious (like myself), be ghost-able, especially prior to your diagnosis, used to operating from people pleasing tendencies, and not fully empowered in your decision making because you didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and thought, “I could do better but this isn’t bad”, (you learned it did in fact get worse or that you were energetically drained and unhappy).

If you’ve put in the work post HSV (therapy, repairing your self-esteem and self-concept) and came back more confident than ever you don’t live in shame, and still feel empowered in your standards, don’t get sad or worked up about things not working out or not progressing beyond an introduction. ( you’re doing something you didn’t get the initial chance to do in the past which is the right to CHOOSE)

If the first 5 minutes already starts off physical whatever it may be, poor characteristics, unaligned values, even red flags, be ghostable. Talk about your desire to be monogamous, talk about desiring a family, talk about your faith as annoyingly possible, talk about your political stance, your culture, non-negotiables, talk about marriage— have something to say and men who aren’t interested will stop engaging or try to test you.

Because unfortunately men will think you’re desperate because you have HSV and, for men, women will probably think the same.

You can still get it right. You can still have your happy ending if you don’t lead with cynicism, if you don’t maladaptive cope into believing that you don’t deserve to be loved, that your life is over. Identify what you’re masking, address your cynicism and sarcasm and pessimism.

Ask yourself truly if you desired to be loved, and if you do, be ghostable weed them out until someone thinks, you know what this person has a lot to say, it’s commendable, I’d love to find out more (and if he’s confused on how you’re coming across or communicating he will initiate a phone call or more in depth questions) or he’ll say yeah that’s not for me. REJECTION IS STILL PROTECTION. Yes you have HSV but you can have HSV and be in a miserable relationship or settled.

You got this 💕

Early 30s Black (F) I’ve had some great (non romantic) conversations on some of these subs and then there’s others that I’m trying not to change the positive outlook I’ve worked hard to have. I mean there’s nothing wrong with casual hook-ups but if I make a post and you can see the depth and my thought process, that’s clearly looking for something long term, and you introducing yourself as sexually as you can? Is anyone experiencing this issue?

Are there anyone looking for long term- marriage, that enjoy banter, conversation, that are lead by faith, challenging themselves everyday, looking to make up for time lost? Or is it just trying to satisfy an itch.

I feel like (hate for judging I really do) but nothing has changed since their diagnosis (which is amazing for mental health) but no introspection at all? Just sex on the brain? It doesn’t change your dating style at all? I’m not saying to propose to the first person you see, but damn.

Really working my way up to do in person dating or join a group meet up or something, these chats aren’t any better. I feel like my future partner is hiding and I am too.

Those who don’t have children or want more children, after being diagnosed what is your stance? Where are you currently at navigating this?

Early 30s Black (F), I’ve never truly desired children, but more so desired a family as a nucleus. I imagine myself and my future husband traveling and enjoying eachother and having fulfilling separate lives, making cheesy “hey kids it’s mom and dad” videos as a joke— but also having a high level of awareness and emotional intelligence, and healed self to understand that it’s a human that didn’t ask to be here, not “will have a boy to protect the girl”, “someone to be my caregiver” but two adults who love eachother so much and want someone who comes from us to benefit from it. Actually guide, raise, and pour into, and be intentional parents.

Other than actually great parents, I think no one else makes better parents than individuals who consider their hypothetical child. I often imagine a summer curriculum for my hypothetical child, taking trips abroad for them to learn language and culture. I fantasize about being fake mad at them and hiding a half cracked smile, instead of lecturing them, I invite myself to understand, something I’ve never had.

With this diagnosis, and it getting warmer out, I find myself looking at families at the park, museums, beach, out and about as a unified front, messy, chaotic, but together, especially seeing loving parents in action who find time to sneak a bit of affection in between the chaos—and wondering to myself will it happen for me. Will I be heartbroken if it doesn’t happen? So my question is, anyone putting themselves out there slowly in their early 30s to not somehow manifest “stuckness”, like this could have happened for you but you didn’t go for it? I don’t want to live in regret.