u/DigitalBre

I just wish god would take this pain out of my heart. I wish he never even gave me a heart… and lord I don’t even know how I’ll ever heal from it. I had a 2 year relationship and I got engaged at one point… It was good at first but things just got bad… too bad for me to even address. But at some point I just got so tired and I didn’t know what else to do. I took a month to myself but in that time. I just really missed them… and everything they were to me. I genuinely realized I will never meet anyone else like them… because I will never find the amount of love that they had for me. So I tried contacting them… and making things work. But our conversation went like this.. He really hoped it wasn’t what he was thinking. He said he couldn’t do it again with me… that he already healed in only a month. I don’t know.. I feel really bad… like somethings wrong with me… maybe I break everything that I touch. I feel like crap… does love even exist for me anymore… he was like the one person who would love me for being the chaotic mess that I was. If I was gross or weird.. he still loved me because it never even mattered to him. Now that’s gone… and so is the love in my heart.

I just wish god would take this pain out of my heart. I wish he never even gave me a heart… and lord I don’t even know how I’ll ever heal from it. I had a 2 year relationship and I got engaged at one point… It was good at first but things just got bad… too bad for me to even address. But at some point I just got so tired and I didn’t know what else to do. I took a month to myself but in that time. I just really missed them… and everything they were to me. I genuinely realized I will never meet anyone else like them… because I will never find the amount of love that they had for me. So I tried contacting them… and making things work. But our conversation went like this.. He really hoped it wasn’t what he was thinking. He said he couldn’t do it again with me… that he already healed in only a month. I don’t know.. I feel really bad… like somethings wrong with me… maybe I break everything that I touch. I feel like crap… does love even exist for me anymore… he was like the one person who would love me for being the chaotic mess that I was. If I was gross or weird.. he still loved me because it never even mattered to him. Now that’s gone… and so is the love in my heart.

The one thing I hate the most is coming across people I knew and had to let go on the internet. I see their profiles and how they post about how wonderful their lives are.. how happy they are now. Sometimes I feel like a very selfish person for wishing they weren’t as happy even though I wasn’t the best person to them. I think a part of me just feels like.. there lives are so much more amazing without me in it.. and somehow that makes me feel bad. Maybe I just wanted to feel like my absence did matter at some point but I will never really know if it did or if it didn’t. I don’t think it should matter.

I just wish that I could be moving onward in my life like all these people and yet I am stuck in a hole that I can’t even really seem to get myself out of. I want happiness for them I really do… even though I hate it sometimes. I want happiness for me too and I guess me writing this letter somehow.. will relieve me from some kind of pain of never being able to truly know those people anymore.

Maybe it’s envy.. that they can easily just move on and forget that painful experience. While I sit with it for a really long time and I never am able to heal from it because it replays back in my mind like a broken record player. I try so hard to distract myself and turn it off. But those people haunt my mind like ghost.. and I think about what I could’ve changed back then. But it’s better left unchanged.

Someday.. just maybe I’ll move past this hurdle just as easily as they did. But this is my best way to let go so I can give at least myself some bit of peace.