u/Direct-Bandicoot-916

I always had problems with my autobiographic memory, but within ... I don't know... A week? 2 weeks? A month? The irony is I can't even tell when it happened. But recently I just flat out lost the ability to percieve autobiographic memories entirely.

I am supposed to schedule a neurologist appointment on Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to that.

On one hand, it isn't like I'm truly disabled by this because my other forms of memory has become sharper. And overall I have this sense of clarity and focus I never had before.

And yet it's new. I don't know how many here has dealt with CPTSD flashbacks + Pure O OCD, but when you deal with that type of mental disorder it is like there is constant noise. And now, there's no noise. There's nothing.

I can feel pleasure but I feel no attachment. I don't feel nostalgia anymore. I don't wanna say "I don't feel emotionally attached to anything" because that's not entirely true, I'd be upset if I were to lose my laptop or job. But I can't form memories with others. I can't form a connection because I can't form memories with them.

It's like everything is in this liminal state where there is this perpetual clarity in regards to everything. I worry that there's just something wrong with me physically. My autographic memory decline was gradual but was expedited after I had surgery I think. I was put under anesthesia. I think that's when my personality began to slowly change, but this year alone my personality and sense of self went through a rapid change.

25, female. I have everything set up to go see a neurologist, but my question is what could even be wrong with me? My memories aren't completely gone, I just can't access them and I can't form new ones, and if I can, I can't access those new ones either.

Other than that, I have all encompassing clarity. Just clarity. I know that sounds ridiculous to complain about, but it's new to me. I don't know how else to describe it. There's no noise, there's no overthinking. It's peaceful. I don't know if I feel emotional blunting or not, it's hard to say. I still feel pleasure and enjoyment over my hobbies, much more than before due to the clear headedness.

My other forms of memory works great, I'd argue my other forms of memory are stronger now. Or maybe they're the same and I'm only noticing how strong it is due to the lack of noise.

I just wanna know what could even be wrong with me. Even in regards to my dreams, since they are autographic, I can't remember them anymore. It's distressing how sudden this all is. I already had autographic memory problems, more than the average person, but never to where I lost the ability to percieve them in the first place.

There are few people out there who honest to God have no idea what it is like to not be loved or wanted by any family member. Even when I hear about foster kids, it's always some distant relative that ends up being there for them.

I'm tired of it. The void that's left behind, the void that can never be replaced. I don't want friendship or any of that, I want a family. And don't give me that "oh found family" it isn't the same, and it isn't like I can connect with anyone. I can't connect with anyone on an emotional level. Prolonged social and physical isolation will damage you like that. And I hate how I can't even talk about growing up isolated because people assume I must be talking about growing up merely *feeling* isolated. I did feel isolated because I WAS isolated. In multiple ways. In regards to everything.

My childhood belonged in a true crime case. That's my problem. I never had support or received any help all my life. I had to do everything on my own, and yeah I'm doing OK, but I don't know why I'm doing ok. I don't know why I have the awareness I do, and no one can see the awareness I have because I'm physically deformed. All they do is assume I must be mentally disabled, all because I look and sound a certain way. I can't freely talk, I can't freely do anything, and when I complain, I get told this toxic positivity nonsense "oh you can do ANYTHINGGGGGGG : 3 💕" like fuck off. Fuck OFF, I am sorry but oh my God. I know they probably mean well but it comes across offensive when the person you are telling that to someone physically disabled in such a way to where were excluded from everything their whole life and treated like an embarrassment, a creature that is fed but overall left to rot.

I'm tired of being told I must prove myself to others, I'm tired of it. No, I do not want to go out and "prove people wrong". I do not want to prove anything all because some stranger is too cognitively impaired to recognize that just because someone looks a certain way doesn't mean they must be mentally challenged, you can't reason with these people. It implies I never tried to reason with them in the first place. I don't wanna insert myself places and "play along" with a bunch of fake people who ultimately will end up chosing the friends who have less baggage than me, the friends who have a family and who don't look like a freak.

The only people who give me the time of day are those who are more dsyfunctional despite having better lives and need someone more pitiful in their life to make themselves feel better about being the way they are.

Someone couldve stepped in, and no one did. I saw dsyfunctional people get support, I saw mentally disabled people get support, I saw abusive people get support. I never got anything.

I hate having to go outside and be reminded if everything. I'm just waiting to get better at programming and cybersecurity so I can get a stay at home job and go back to cutting everything out. I wanna get a contractor job with the government but everything leads back to me having to socialize with people, therefore having to be reminded of everything.

My body is a prison and I get tired of being forced to look out the window.

I'm not asking how you did it, but rather what changed for you after you did because I feel like doing that for years and years and years hours on end would have a profound impact on you once you stopped. Using clicker training, I have found a way to finally after all these years after so much trial and error kicked this addiction. And I don't know if it is related or not, but I feel uhhh... Hmm... Fucked up lol I feel like I got a flu, in regards to my brain. I only just now gotten better, I think my brain is physically adapting right now, after years of daydreaming for hours and hours and hours daily. It was pretty severe. I'm 25, it started around when I was 12, and again it was pretty severe. Id estimate that I would spend somewhere between 8 to 10 hours daydreaming daily, not exaggerating.

Ultimately I know quitting is good because I was so much more happier and productive beforehand, daydreaming merely gives the illusion of productivity, meanwhile you aren't actually doing anything. But I'm curious to know what exactly changed for you guys cognitively-speaking. I'm hoping I'll merely revert back to my pre daydream self.

I wanna meet him in person, even if it is from a distance. It'd be cool if I could get his autograph but I understand that is probably not feasible.

As in, get close enough to say hi. Or to just be able to physically see them in person as opposed to a screen.