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Okay, I just need to get this out because it’s been bothering me for days, and every time I try to talk about it, I end up deleting it because I feel embarrassed. But I’ve been stuck in this loop for the last couple days and I guess I just need to rant about it somewhere.

Basically, there’s this guy I used to know when I was younger. Some backstory is that he used to bully me really badly at first, and I genuinely hated him. But then I started standing up for myself more, and after that our relationship kind of changed. We became friends, and we had this teasing, flirty dynamic going on. It wasn’t an actual relationship, but it felt important to me.

At the time, though, I was going through a lot in my personal life. I had just moved, I lost all my friends, my family life was really dysfunctional, we were struggling financially, and honestly I just felt really alone. I wasn’t getting the attention or emotional support I needed when I was younger, and I think I started looking for it in other places. I convinced myself that nobody would care about me unless I made myself sound more interesting, so I started lying a lot. Not constantly at first, but near the end it became one lie after another, and honestly looking back on it now, I don’t even fully know why I did it. I think I was just desperate for attention and validation because I wasn’t getting it anywhere else.

And I guess because I had so little in my life at that point, I attached onto that friendship way more deeply than he probably did. It meant so much to me because I didn’t really have anything else emotionally.

We ended up kissing once, and it wasn’t just some tiny peck or joke kiss. It felt real to me. I don’t even know if he actually liked me like that or if I just interpreted it that way because I was young, but I remember it feeling special and meaningful to me. And since it was my first real kiss, it stuck with me for years.

Eventually everything fell apart. He told me he kissed another girl, and I got really upset about it, but looking back now I think part of it was also because my lies were slowly starting to unravel and I could tell he was catching onto things that didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to deal with that. So instead I kind of villainized him in my head and used the other girl situation as my excuse to block him and disappear completely. I ghosted him, changed schools, and that was it.

Then years later in high school, we randomly talked again for like two hours. It was nothing serious, just casual catching up, but honestly it felt nice. It felt like us again for a second. At the same time, though, I still felt this huge difference between our lives. He lived this normal teenage life with friends, parties, prom, homecoming, relationships, all those experiences. I never really got those things because my life was so chaotic. I still barely had people in my life. So even then, I think I looked at him as someone who represented a life I wished I could’ve had.

Fast forward to now. A few months ago I posted on my Snapchat story, which I normally never do, and I noticed he viewed it. I was shocked because I hadn’t heard from him in years. So I clicked on his account and Snapchat showed that thing where it says accept or ignore, and honestly I still don’t know if that means he sent me a friend request or if it just reset because I blocked him years ago. I genuinely don’t know how Snapchat works with that.

But then I found out he has a girlfriend now, and she’s gorgeous. She’s basically the complete opposite of me. She’s the kind of girl who looks like she has the perfect teenage life, influencer type, pretty, popular, confident. And honestly he fits into that world too. They both do. I’ve never really felt like I belonged in that kind of world.

And I think that’s why this whole thing messes with my head so much.

Part of me wants to reach out and apologize for who I was back then. Not even necessarily because I want a relationship with him, but because I hate knowing there’s someone out there who remembers me as that messy, lying, unstable version of myself. I’ve changed a lot since then, and I hate the idea that maybe I’m still just some crazy story he tells people. Like, “you wouldn’t believe this girl I used to know.” That thought genuinely drives me insane.

At the same time, after I added him back, he watches every story I post. He rarely misses them. Sometimes he watches one immediately and then comes back later to watch the rest. And maybe I’m overthinking it, but it feels like when I post pictures of myself, he notices faster. Which confuses me because if he really does have a girlfriend, why even send me a friend request in the first place if that’s what happened? Maybe I’m completely wrong about that, but I don’t know. It just confuses me.

Part of me thinks maybe he’s just curious. Like maybe he’s looking at my stories thinking, “What happened to that weird girl from years ago?” Maybe he’s making fun of me with his friends. I genuinely don’t know. He used to bully me, and he’s always been very confident and popular, so sometimes my brain goes there automatically.

But from my perspective, despite everything, that friendship felt real to me. It wasn’t even that long of a friendship, but it happened during one of the worst times of my life, and he was one of the only people who made me feel happy during that time. When you don’t have much emotionally, you attach harder to the people who make you feel seen. And I wasn’t a normal kid emotionally when we met. I was struggling a lot.

So I don’t know. I think this is less about having a crush on him and more about regret, nostalgia, and wondering what could’ve been if my life was different back then. He was my first real heartbreak in a weird way, even though we never officially dated. And I think part of me still mourns the friendship we could’ve had if I hadn’t sabotaged everything with my own issues.

Anyway, that’s basically the rant. There’s honestly way more to the story than this, but this is the general gist of why it’s been bothering me so much lately.

Okay, I just need to get this out because it’s been bothering me for days, and every time I try to talk about it, I end up deleting it because I feel embarrassed. But I’ve been stuck in this loop for the last couple days and I guess I just need to rant about it somewhere.

Basically, there’s this guy I used to know when I was younger. Some backstory is that he used to bully me really badly at first, and I genuinely hated him. But then I started standing up for myself more, and after that our relationship kind of changed. We became friends, and we had this teasing, flirty dynamic going on. It wasn’t an actual relationship, but it felt important to me.

At the time, though, I was going through a lot in my personal life. I had just moved, I lost all my friends, my family life was really dysfunctional, we were struggling financially, and honestly I just felt really alone. I wasn’t getting the attention or emotional support I needed when I was younger, and I think I started looking for it in other places. I convinced myself that nobody would care about me unless I made myself sound more interesting, so I started lying a lot. Not constantly at first, but near the end it became one lie after another, and honestly looking back on it now, I don’t even fully know why I did it. I think I was just desperate for attention and validation because I wasn’t getting it anywhere else.

And I guess because I had so little in my life at that point, I attached onto that friendship way more deeply than he probably did. It meant so much to me because I didn’t really have anything else emotionally.

We ended up kissing once, and it wasn’t just some tiny peck or joke kiss. It felt real to me. I don’t even know if he actually liked me like that or if I just interpreted it that way because I was young, but I remember it feeling special and meaningful to me. And since it was my first real kiss and his, it stuck with me for years.

Eventually everything fell apart. He told me he kissed another girl, and I got really upset about it, but looking back now I think part of it was also because my lies were slowly starting to unravel and I could tell he was catching onto things that didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to deal with that. So instead I kind of villainized him in my head and used the other girl situation as my excuse to block him and disappear completely. I ghosted him, changed schools, and that was it.

Then years later in high school, we randomly talked again for like two hours. It was nothing serious, just casual catching up, but honestly it felt nice. It felt like us again for a second. At the same time, though, I still felt this huge difference between our lives. He lived this normal teenage life with friends, parties, prom, homecoming, relationships, all those experiences. I never really got those things because my life was so chaotic. I still barely had people in my life. So even then, I think I looked at him as someone who represented a life I wished I could’ve had.

Fast forward to now. A few months ago I posted on my Snapchat story, which I normally never do, and I noticed he viewed it. I was shocked because I hadn’t heard from him in years. So I clicked on his account and Snapchat showed that thing where it says accept or ignore, and honestly I still don’t know if that means he sent me a friend request or if it just reset because I blocked him years ago. I genuinely don’t know how Snapchat works with that.

But then I found out he has a girlfriend now, and she’s gorgeous. She’s basically the complete opposite of me. She’s the kind of girl who looks like she has the perfect teenage life, influencer type, pretty, popular, confident. And honestly he fits into that world too. They both do. I’ve never really felt like I belonged in that kind of world.

And I think that’s why this whole thing messes with my head so much.

Part of me wants to reach out and apologize for who I was back then. Not even necessarily because I want a relationship with him, but because I hate knowing there’s someone out there who remembers me as that messy, lying, unstable version of myself. I’ve changed a lot since then, and I hate the idea that maybe I’m still just some crazy story he tells people. Like, “you wouldn’t believe this girl I used to know.” That thought genuinely drives me insane.

At the same time, after I added him back, he watches every story I post. He rarely misses them. Sometimes he watches one immediately and then comes back later to watch the rest. And maybe I’m overthinking it, but it feels like when I post pictures of myself, he notices faster. Which confuses me because if he really does have a girlfriend, why even send me a friend request in the first place if that’s what happened? Maybe I’m completely wrong about that, but I don’t know. It just confuses me.

Part of me thinks maybe he’s just curious. Like maybe he’s looking at my stories thinking, “What happened to that weird girl from years ago?” Maybe he’s making fun of me with his friends. I genuinely don’t know. He used to bully me, and he’s always been very confident and popular, so sometimes my brain goes there automatically.

But from my perspective, despite everything, that friendship felt real to me. It wasn’t even that long of a friendship, but it happened during one of the worst times of my life, and he was one of the only people who made me feel happy during that time. When you don’t have much emotionally, you attach harder to the people who make you feel seen. And I wasn’t a normal kid emotionally when we met. I was struggling a lot.

So I don’t know. I think this is less about having a crush on him and more about regret, nostalgia, and wondering what could’ve been if my life was different back then. He was my first real heartbreak in a weird way, even though we never officially dated. And I think part of me still mourns the friendship we could’ve had if I hadn’t sabotaged everything with my own issues.

Anyway, that’s basically the rant. There’s honestly way more to the story than this, but this is the general gist of why it’s been bothering me so much lately.

Hi everyone, this is kind of a long story so bear with me. There are a few different timelines here, but I’ll try to keep it clear. So this guy has been in and out of my life for years. We met when we were really young and we were each other’s first kiss. At first, we honestly didn’t get along—he kind of bullied me a lot—but when I started standing up for myself, things shifted. It turned into this weird love-hate, flirty dynamic. We were close in our own way, always teasing each other, and during that time he actually meant a lot to me because I was going through a really hard period and didn’t really have friends. From my perspective, our connection felt really strong, but I don’t know how he saw it. Eventually, we lost contact (a lot of that was on me, I was dealing with a lot mentally at the time). Then fast forward to high school—we randomly reconnected and talked for a couple of hours. It was casual, but I could tell he was trying to ask about things I had lied about in the past. I kind of avoided those questions and just kept it light, and after that, we didn’t talk again. Now fast forward to recently. I saw him pop up on Snapchat after he viewed my story. When I clicked his profile, it gave me the option to add him, so I don’t know if he sent a request recently or if it was just because we weren’t added anymore. I added him back thinking maybe he wanted to reconnect, but he never messaged me. Instead, he watches my stories constantly, like almost every time I post. Sometimes he views them really fast, especially when I post pictures of myself, but other times it’s inconsistent and kind of random, it’s just noticeable. Seeing him again honestly brought back old feelings. Not anything super serious—I do have something going on with someone else—but it’s like this lingering crush came back out of nowhere. I miss the friendship we had, or at least what I thought it was. What confuses me is that I’m not even sure if he has a girlfriend right now. If he does, I feel like it’s kind of weird to add someone you have history with and then just silently watch everything they post, like why reach out in that way but not actually talk. At the same time, I’m hesitant to message him first because of how things ended before. I know he might bring up stuff from the past, and I honestly wouldn’t even know how to explain it now. So I guess I’m just wondering what this looks like from an outside perspective. Is this just curiosity on his end? Am I reading too much into him watching my stories, or does it seem like there could be some kind of interest there? Please be nice, I know it might sound small, but when you’ve known someone for that long, little things feel bigger than they probably are.