u/Dirori2001

Text:- You are a naturally curious and enthusiastic person who thrives on exploring new ideas, possibilities, and connections. Your warmth and genuine concern for others make you an excellent listener and friend, someone people feel comfortable opening up to. You're drawn to understanding different perspectives and finding common ground, which serves you well in relationships and collaborative settings. However, you might sometimes struggle with follow-through on practical details or completing tasks that lack emotional resonance. Your thinking tends toward the interpersonal and creative rather than purely logical or strategic. You experience moderate mood fluctuations and occasional self-doubt, which actually helps keep you grounded despite your imaginative nature. Overall, you're an engaging communicator who balances idealism with genuine empathy, making you someone others naturally gravitate toward.

In my case its Neil Perry from Dead Poets Society. Hes SX7w6 749 sx/so whilst I am SP2w1 296 sp/sx.

I mainly kin him for more situational reasons like having authoritarian parents ruin your mental health to the point of driving you over the edge and hating your choice of NOT choosing anything from the STEM field (except now my parents are terrified and feel very guilty but it took them more than two decades 🙂🙂🙂😐)

And also because I am quite bubbly and friendly when I greet people (after overcoming my initial anxiety) contrasting my more introverted beloved best friend who remind me of Todd (and I am oftentimes the one cheering her and motivating her). I am also very impulsive with my choices and of course a very emotional person who can go zero to hundred real quick.

The only thing we both share I believe is the mbti type- both Neil and I are ENFPs (pdb mistyped him as ENFJ hes not)

Ironically enneatype wise when it comes to characters played by Robert Sean Leonard I share more similarities with Wilson from House MD than Neil and I despise Wilson and he makes me very uncomfortable so i hate being associated with him

Before i start i want to give trigger warnings for mention of CSA and suicide in the childhood section

Identity.

If somebody asks me who I am without any bias and bigotry. I will simply say I am a 24 year old queer person from India. But if somebody asks me who I am beyond these given labels then I am not sure. Because I have BPD I struggle with a stable sense of self so I often define myself by my interests, by my hobbies, by my typology stuff and all the labels which I like because they give me a sense of stability. When I was young I often got attached to fictional characters who shared few similarities with me and tried to mold myself into them all the time. And unfortunately I still carry that habit at times. Even with people I'm deeply attached to I end up adapting their beliefs and ideologies and make them my own. And in that process I end up idealising them and get thrown off rails when they say something I can't find myself agreeing with. But I do want to be (and want to be seen) as kindhearted, selfless, caring, reliable, sweet, sincere, friendly, and trustworthy.

Sexuality.

Demisexual Lesbian. It has been quite a journey to realise my attraction to women because for almost my entire childhood, teenage years and my early 20s I believed that I really did like men. Because I did in fact have a history of being really into some male celebs who I find really cool, I even had and still have kpop male biases. But recently i realised that my interest in all these male celebs have been mostly platonic. I simply adore, admire and look up to them. It is either because i felt attached to a role they played, or a song they made or because they are well known to be genuinely good persons by people who personally know them. It really took a while to realise I only like women and I also only find myself blushing seeing a pretty woman. For a handsome man I've felt like, I have to act like I'm attracted.

Relationships, connections.

I struggle to make friends due to the fact that I have faced bullying in both my childhood and adulthood so I currently only have two friends in real life whom I genuinely adore. I met friend M when I stayed in the city for two years for my post grad course. She is an introvert and I love her. I love to be the one who helps her out in social situations and makes her feel happy since she struggles with depression and I know I can't cure it but I love to make her happy. I am a bit loud and exuberant around her because she lets me and I often shower her with gifts and tell her jokes. We used to travel around the city and visit different locations- museums, monuments, malls, art galleries, theaters, cafes. She also cares for me in return. When she found out I had a meltdown because of a flashback she decided to come to my dorm room to comfort me. Because she is more withdrawn oftentimes her care is more subtle.

I met Friend D in my teaching school. She is a catholic nun and a few years older than me. She accepted me as a queer person and she is very sincere and trustworthy. Today she literally came to school only because nobody replied to me in the group chat about the assignments and she knows how terrified I am. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to her and she is often the one helping me. Which makes me want to be the one to help her more

Despite my trauma and social anxiety I am a fairly social person and I love to talk to people so I have a lot of internet friends and many of my friendships have lasted years now.

I have this tendency. When someone yells at me and berates me I start to hate them. And very deeply hate them. But if the same person acts nice and loving all my hatred goes away and I go back to that person believing that they can change. Its because i assume most people are good people and are capable of change

Fears and vulnerabilities.

So my biggest fear is abandonment. Because of which if any of my friends gets mad at me it feels like my world is ending because what if they leave me? And the idea feels so damning. It's because I already struggle making friends so losing one friend feels like I will be forever alone. I also fear being disliked or perceived negatively by others. I hate it, it really bothers me because I really want to be loved by everyone who meets me. I also fear being unloved and rejected as well because it really breaks my heart. I fear being discarded and not cared for.

Internal conflicts.

There are many internal conflicts I go through. Should I share my favourite food item? If I don't I will feel selfish. Should i take this risky monetary decision or spend the money on this item which will make me happy? Oftentimes I choose the latter. Should I tell them the truth about a matter which will cause a scene? I for most of the time hold back. Am i good enough in *insert hobby*? When i get complimented I feel like I am a really good one or at least a decent one who can and will improve.

Childhood.

I had a somewhat of a rough childhood. My parents obviously love me but because of how they themselves were raised they have been very physically mentally and psychologically abusive throughout my childhood and adulthood until recently due to the worsening of my mental health. They were very firm believers of spare the rod and spoil the kid so they thought they were helping me with their parenting methods. So they thought yelling beating threatening marriage and comparing me with my cousins is the best way I would study hard and ace my tests and become a successful daughter. They have also been mad at me for choosing humanities over STEM and often accused me of “ruining my life”

My school life was also far from ideal. I was bullied and socially outcased by other kids. And I still have a hard time understanding why was I outcasted. I tried to be friends but still got outcasted and i had a “reputation” of being weird. Even teachers encouraged that. Boys of my school bullied me from 8th grade till my final year because i thought i had a crush on one of them and i confessed to him so he and his friends terrorised me for so many years to the point i got panic attacks around boys of my age.

I had a science and maths tutor who taught me from 5th grade till 11th grade. He often berated me and called me names like cow, dimwit and a lot of slurs since his subjects weren't the strongest forte of mine. He also groomed me and raped me from the ages of 12 to 16 (and i didnt know he was SAing me at the time). I only came out to my mom about it in 2023

Now in adulthood my dorm mates bullied me. At first I tolerated it. It's because they often got mad at me over not switching off lights and other mundane things and I am a forgetful person yet i tried my best to listen to them and be a good room mate but at one point it got very targeted because I was often the only one who was constantly told off for things and they were cruel with their words. They never invited me when they ate together which hurt me alot. But it reached a boiling point when one day they filmed my room and sent it to the gc. I tolerated them simply because I assumed they were good people like I always do. My mental health worsened also adding my parents growing abusive behaviour to the point I attempted suicide twice in 2025

Relationship with the maternal and paternal figures (it is not necessarily your mother and father respectively, but the people who fit into what psychology defines as maternal and paternal figures).

As of currently my parents feel both guilty of their actions and are scared of losing me because my mental illness worsened even more. They are being affectionate and gentle with me more than they had been throughout my childhood and are trying to focus on my health but at the same time they dont react well when my mental illness flares up- like when I have a splitting episode or a flashback of their abuse which leads to a splitting episode. I feel grateful for them i do love them but i hate being treated like a monster at times

Desires, motivations (what motivates you to act, make decisions, what you believe will make you happy or feel complete, etc.).

My desire is to be loved, feel secure, maintain peace and harmony-both inner and outer and seek pleasure. My actions are also motivated by them too. For instance, I really love making people happy and seeing them smile. I also love being told thank you and be acknowledged for my efforts in relationships and also in self improvement which in my case is often directly linked with my close relationships. I am very conflict avoidant because I feel dysfunctional and overwhelmed by conflicts whether it is directed towards me or somebody else. One of the very main reasons why I procrastinate and I’m bad with money is because I easily give into things which make me happy. I end up spending too much on plushies makeup and food. I also end up rather watching tiktok and entertain myself than do my work. And yeah my pleasure seeking is somewhat of both self soothing behaviour and an escapism tendency.

Emotions.

I am a very emotional person. And I feel all my emotions to a greater degree. Both positive and negative. I am very expressive with my positive emotions. I don't shy away from giving compliments, affection, and generally show how happy I am unless I am feeling exhausted, overwhelmed or confused. Or if I am not sure the other person would like my way of expression.

With my negative emotions, I do not have the best relationship since I was very much shamed as a kid for being a crybaby and for having anger outbursts, which is partly the reason I have problems with vulnerability. I am generally very emotionally open but I have a hard time with my negative emotions and I feel very sorry for others who see me crying venting or getting angry and I tend to end up apologising after such instances incase I made them uncomfortable

Routines, hobbies and reactions (how do you deal with desperate, stressful, or unexpected situations?).

As per my routines I go to gym twice-or once if im not feeling well, do some household chores and help my mum when I can, do my skincare after shower, tend to the altar, call friend M in the evenings and take my medication as per their designated times and journal daily. My hobbies are watching movies and anime, writing, drawing, journalling, posting about my favourite topics on my social medias- instagram, tumblr and twitter.

To be fair, during stressful and unexpected situations I freeze and start panicking. My anxiety gets so bad that my chest starts hurting, my stomach starts hurting, and I even get very dizzy as well. And by freezing I mean I feel like I really don't know what to do and it eventually makes me spiral and feel a sense of doom. And I spiral into having dark thoughts as well because my body and brain want to escape this situation in any way.

Justice (what does it mean to you? How important is it?).

For me justice means making sure the supposed act of crime lessens in future and it keeps getting less. And to provide utmost safety and care to the victims who were affected by the said crime. For me I believe in reduction of harm than to act on urges of revenge which are temporary and will not solve the problem at all. And yes in this case justice is very important to me because human life is important and has a worth, even if the said human is not someone with a purpose or isnt someone highly successful one making great contributions, life is a very precious thing. And nobody has the right to take away or destroy it (unless its for self defense)

Control (do you like to control others or be controlled?).

For the most part I am very comfortable being the follower. Being controlled gives me a sense of predictability and an idea on how I should act and present myself in unknown situations. But still there are some things I hate having others control me, such as I hate being told how I should dress or do my makeup and I also hate having my movements restricted as in not having freedom to go where I want to and feeling stuck at home.

I hate being a controlling person but to be honest I do have controlling tendencies. Which is sometimes because I care for the person or because I feel like a person I care about will abandon me and I start to beg them to not leave me to please come back and it destroys me.

Behavior (how do you emotionally adapt in situations? You can talk about how you and others perceive you emotionally).

Most of my friends adore me for being sweet caring reliable trustworthy and optimistic and I cannot be more grateful, I am usually polite and sweet natured to almost everyone I meet and I try my best to make them feel comfortable around me. I suppress my anger alot because I am conflict avoidant and more than that I am very afraid of hurting people until I explode. And at my worst I am very emotionally volatile and self destructive. I am prone to slam doors bang walls and self harm when I am angry and upset (basically when I am splitting). If I say hurtful things when I am angry I quickly regret and then fear takes over me and i now focus on the other person.

Efficiency.

Yes I do value efficiency in work and I myself try to be as efficient as I can when I do something. But again I am also not too strict with it. I don't know what more to add here

How do you see yourself? Take some time with your eyes closed and seek any internal information you find about yourself.

I see myself as someone who dreams of doing good for people and making people feel seen, safe and more comfortable. When I write about my experiences and reflect I also wish that people see my writing and feel seen and also feel a sense of joy. I feel very inspired by people who make changes in people's lives to make it easier. I am a compassionate person at heart and I don't like to judge people. While my mental illness can make me spiral into pessimism at my heart I am an optimist and I can't give up on believing that most people are good despite having it rough for a big part of my life. I am also someone who is full of love and I deeply love my friends and my brother. I also deeply love my parents and am trying hard to forgive them. I think despite everything I am quite lucky.

Perfection.

I have perfectionist tendencies because of which I have missed out on a lot of opportunities. I didn't participate in many competitions growing up because the thought of not being the 1st made me upset. And it is also one of the reasons I procrastinate. But lately I am working on it. I recently started to draw after not doing so for two whole years because I was tired of caging myself and wanted to put forth my ideas even if it's not perfect.

Anger, sadness, and fear. Here, you will describe your relationship with each one of them specifically.

Anger:- i dont have the best relationship with my anger because I was shamed and punished when I had anger outbursts as a child and now as an adult it can be very all consuming. I am also left physically and mentally exhausted after a splitting episode. So I learned to suppress my anger and hide it. I often wished I never had the capacity to feel anger at all because of how much it hurts me and ends up hurting others. However I feel more secure when I am angry for somebody else I am comfortable showing anger on behalf of someone else to protect them and/or to voice their cause

Sadness- I have very mixed feelings about it. Like many of my favourite media are “sad films” and I also love consuming angsty fanfics of my beloved characters. But at the same time I often find myself straying away from anything which will make me feel deeply sad. For instance- one of my favourite films is the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society, I genuinely love to discuss the movie and I am also in the movie’s fandom as well. But when I see edits which features the suicide of one the main characters I find myself physically recoiling from them like I do for many sad news. Even the fanfics I consume and stories I write I always give them a happy ending or at least make the character survive and put them on a path of healing. I do like to explore darker aspects of human nature and my own instances of sadness, depression and trauma when I have gained some level of detachment from them.

And yes I was also punished a lot as a child for being a crybaby which has led me to gain some vulnerability issues. When I am upset I feel the need to talk to someone and vent to someone and get consoled but I also fear burdening them so oftentimes its me carrying them alone and then bursting into tears and starting to vent and later trying to make sure I did not burden the other person

Fear:- Fear is another emotion I feel avoidant of because it actually causes me physical symptoms like dizziness, panic attacks and stomachaches. Despite that I am very prone to anxiety and after I go through all the symptoms I find myself distracting from it by engaging in something else (and oftentimes its doomscrolling on the internet) and many of my actions are also circled around not having to experience anxiety. Because I am pretty bad at handling fear.

Knowledge.

I am a very curious person and I really love to seek knowledge. I particularly enjoy gaining knowledge related to social sciences and literature because I love to know human beings and human nature and how they function and why they do what they do. I see literature as a time capsule of the period it was written in. It gives us a clue on the political scenario, the prevalent beliefs, how people lived at that particular time etc. I am someone who loves to collect random facts and tell them to my little brother for fun.

Authority: Do you tend to be against or submissive? In favor, neutral, or against? Specify.

I usually tend to be distrustful of authority figures because growing up most adults have abused me or failed to protect me from abuse and I have objectively watched authority figures such as teachers and professors misuse their powers and hurt students, and so do cops and politicians. But if an authority figure (specifically a teacher in this case) is kind towards me and helps me I feel very grateful to them and I show my affection to them by making innocent compliments

Fantasy

I have many fantasies like I want a girlfriend with whom I spend the rest of my life with. My parents accept me as a lesbian. My family, my girlfriend and I get to leave this country and go to a better place. Having my own apartment and my own room which I get to decorate in my own way. Travelling to different foreign countries with my girlfriend. Finally becoming a teacher and teaching students and the students enjoying my lessons and always waiting for my class. Joining a theater group and learning to act. Playing music onstage. Getting to meet my favourite singers and actors. Going to concerts of my favourite bands.

Decided to jump on the trend. If anyone else wants to try this here is a link to the site

https://www.scribd.com/document/893142541/Vivi-s-Enneagram-Subtype-Descriptions#google\_vignette

So for my introduction I am 24NB. Im from a south asian country. I love journalling writing watching movies and anime and drawing. I also love talking to my friends and posting on social media. I am a lesbian. I am currently diagnosed with BPD and depression but I suspect having AuDHD and I will soon be seeking assesment for it. I had a rough childhood and my early 20s were pretty rough as well. But right now things got a little better as I am seeking treatment and my parents are taking care of me. So thats all

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For a short introduction. I am 24NB from a south asian country. I am currently a student and studying to become a teacher in future. I love anime, movies, old music from 60s to 2000s, classic rock music and the korean band Day6. Im also into some niche korean media like the otome game Mystic Messenger and Alien Stage. My favourite movie is Dead Poets Society. My hobbies are journalling, drawing, writing, and doing makeup.I also love collecting plushies. I am a lesbian. I also have mental health problems which very much affects my personality. I am currently diagnosed with BPD and Depression and I very likely might have Adhd and Autism for which I will soon be seeking assessment. I had quite a traumatic childhood with abuse, bullying and CSA but recently things have somewhat improved for me and my parents are taking care of me well. so yeah

What motivates you the most in life? Do you think you have a reasoning to your course of actions in your life? As in something you wish to gain or benefit from your actions.

There are a multitude of things which motivate me. I am motivated by the desire to cheer up someone to make someone laugh a little if they're having a bad day, I am motivated by love to be loved and to give love to others, I am also motivated by wanting to support the less privileged ones in my own ways even if I don't make big gestures, little gestures counts. I am motivated by the need to connect with people and to stay connected by them. I am also motivated by the desire to make friends due to shared interest. When I was a teenager I wanted to become a psychologist and destigmatise mental health. But now I want to become a special ed teacher and make subjects accessible and enjoyable for other neurodivergent children like me. I am also very much driven by pleasure as to what makes me feel good emotionally and emotional safety and trust as well

What do you think is something you fundamentally lack/is bad at? Something you acknowledge how it affects aspects of your

life?

I feel that I am a very lazy person and I get highly dependent on other people to the point that I get afraid of going outside my comfort zone and that has led me to miss out on a lot of things. I get intensely attached to people and I struggle with regulating my emotions

How do you deal with authority? Authority can mean anyone in a position of power, regardless of the place. Do you push against them, adhere to them, fear them, or do you think they are crucial for order to be established?

I do tend to be fearful of them because of my childhood trauma. I fear being punished by them and sometimes I end up hating them when they are being unjust. But if they end up being nice and affectionate towards me I tend to hold them in high regard and show them my affection too by complimenting them. I usually try to obey them as much as I can but if I don't like them and there is a loophole then I quietly disobey them

How important is your image in regards to how others perceive you? Do you want to be perceived in a certain way? Does it bother you if you are perceived in some other way than the one you wish to be perceived with?

Yes I do care about my image in regards to being liked. I don't really do well if I find out that someone hates me, I get very upset. Like- what did I do to earn their hatred, how should I change myself to be liked by this person. Again if the person in question is a bigot then I don't mind being hated because I don't think I can do anything about that

How important is financials, security, and survival to you? This includes having

sufficient resources, avoiding danger and maintaining a fundamental sense of structure and wellbeing. Do you seek to protect and retain mentioned themes?

Financial security is very important to me as it should be important to everyone because having more money grants us more access to valuable resources and things which makes us feel good. That being said I am personally not good with my own finances. I am an impulsive spender and often spend it on sweets and plushies and sometimes regret it.

What is your reaction and thoughts to others' rejection, criticism and disapproval of you?

I really don't do well with rejection at all. I very much fear it. It really upsets me and makes me feel awful. I also have a hard time with taking criticism very especially if it's a negative criticism which is thrown at me in a very rude way. It makes me want to cry and fills me with intense anger

What sort of events/situations in life that causes you anger? Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism towards someone or something you feel has deliberately done you or others wrong. If there is any, elaborate on them.

Cruelty towards marginalized people, women and children ESPECIALLY children makes me seethe in rage and boils my blood. Besides that I also get angry when someone is rude to me and tries to humiliate me and put me down. Also when someone criticises me and tries to control my choices

Following the last question, do you think anger is necessary in life? How do you express your anger, or do you choose not to? Why and why not?

I think anger is necessary in life because it is the very reason why many of us have human rights. Anger is a feeling we get because we want to protect ourselves in some way but sometimes for some people they think hurting others is the way they protect themselves (or their entitlement or their fear of difference) so anger solely for the reason to hurt someone is not good at all.

When I get angry I usually try to suppress it because I am a conflict avoidant person until i cannot take it anymore and I end up exploding. I cry, yell slam doors and objects at times and sadly resort to self harm at times. Sometimes I get suicide ideations when i feel angry and sad.

What is the importance of knowledge to you? Are you trying to make sense of your everyday life? How much do you value information about everyday things?

I am a very curious person and I love to know things, especially if it's related to people, cultures, communities, pop media such as anime, books, movies etc. I really like to know more about people and things because it gives me a topic to converse with people about and also to understand people more as to why do they do what they do

What situations in life bring you the most guilt? Guilt is described as a feeling that you have committed a fault, which may be internal guilt towards yourself, or guilt towards your actions regarding another person. Do you frequently experience feelings of guilt?

I feel guilty when I don't have any cash to give to beggars, I feel very upset having to ignore them because I need the money. I also sometimes feel guilty about ignoring my brother and not being a good sister to him. Or when I made my parents upset because I hurt myself during an episode. I won't say I feel this frequently but I feel it from time to time

What makes you feel ashamed the most? Shame signifies a self-conscious emotion arising out of feeling that something is fundamentally wrong about oneself. Are you prone to such feelings often?

I feel ashamed about being “behind” in life. I failed my semesters in my english masters last year and im juggling between my B.Ed programme and giving supplementary exams of my failed semesters and not having a job at 24. Sure its because my mental health had a downfall since last year but still. I dont always think about it. I hate thinking about it and AVOID thinking about it but I do feel the shame when my mom compares me with my cousins or my relatives get a bit too curious about my personal life.

What makes you feel fearful the most? Fear is described as an emotion which warns us of the presence of danger or threat of harm, whether physical or psychological. May be internally ingrained feelings, or externally because of other people/situations.

I very much fear being abandoned and discarded by my loved ones, very much including my friends. It is very terrifying for me and I tend to spiral when I get abandoned. I also fear being rejected and hated by others. It makes me very angry and upset. Most importantly I also fear losing the current level of comfort I have, I fear change and uncertainty

Is it important for you to have a high social status, to be socially connected, to integrate/fit in and belong to a group? Is it something you work towards achieving?

For me having a high social status isnt quite important but yes having a social connection is. I do desire to integrate and belong to a group even though I struggle alot to do so because of my poor social skills but I try my best to adjust myself as much as I can and when I realise I cant fit in I tend to get very depressed and my low self esteem takes over me. Because of this sometimes i prefer being alone but I cant stand loneliness for too long

How much do you value issues related to the quality of your relationships with and maintaining relationships and connections?

I do value the issues relating to the quality of my relationships very much and I try my very best to avoid any conflicts. I get very scared when conflicts happen because I feel like the other person might leave me. I also get very anxious if I get left on seen

Would you consider yourself a self-sacrificing individual? How much time or resources are you willing to sacrifice to assist others or make things easier for others? Or are you simply seeking your own good and well-being?

To some extent when I am adjusting for others, yes I often hold back my feelings, my self sacrifice is more of an emotional labour for the most part only occasionally something more physical when I can. I guess if its genuinely possible for me to sacrifice a little without losing too much of myself then yeah oftentimes I end up doing more emotional labour and find myself getting drained out. And yeah to some extent I am also looking out for myself too as in if I dont get thanked or appreciated or at least seen for my efforts I get very upset.

What are your thoughts on expressing your vulnerability? Vulnerability is a willingness to express emotion or to allow its weaknesses to be visible or known. What makes you think or feel you are vulnerable?

I think we all need someone we can be vulnerable with because at the end of the day we have a need to share our pain too and be comforted. I personally sometimes struggle with vulnerability but I end up venting to my friends when I cant hold my emotions any longer and regret it a bit. But yeah I do seek to have people I can be emotionally safe with at my worst and I do have friends who are willing to listen to me and stayed with me despite seeing me at my worst

What makes you feel loved? How much do you want to be loved, and what is your reaction when someone stops giving you love?

I guess being appreciated for my efforts being thanked being seen and most importantly being reassured that I am not a “too much” to them. I also feel love when I am being supported for my decisions and also when people choose to stay. When someone stops giving me love, sometimes I question if I did something wrong. But I also get really really enraged and get consumed by rage towards the said person for abandoning me and not loving me anymore

What does rightful action mean to you? Do you try to steer others towards the right direction? How does it make you feel when someone doesn’t take your advice?

For me rightful action means standing up for the vulnerable and supporting them and being a kind person as much as you can. I do try my best to amplify voices and educate people if I feel like there is a misunderstanding because i initially tend to assume the best in people but if they turn out to be a bigot i feel very angry and disheartened. Even moreso if its a friend or someone i care about. I dont care much about stranger’s opinions as much I care about those associated with me. Even in other matters I feel a bit sad and angry

How do you feel when you see someone else in a worse situation than yours? Do you think about people like this often?

If its a global issue then I start thinking how strong they are for still fighting despite everything. But if its something I find out in a one on one conversation I feel like I am too stupid for being sad over something “less” and start to wish that I shouldve been through worse and I absolutely despise thinking like that because that feels stupid as well so I avoid thinking about it as much as I can

How much do other’s opinions of you influence your decisions? Does the perception of strangers have more of an influence on you than those of friends?

Yeah others opinions matters alot I seek others opinions first before eventually forming my own and I feel very distressed when I see people showing hatred towards my beloved fictional characters, shows, films, etc especially if those things are very close to my heart. So much that I feel myself physically shutting down and thats why I usually surround myself with people with same tastes as I have. I will say my friend’s judgement affects me more than that of strangers and I feel their judgements very deeply

What do you hope to get out of the connections you make with others? Do you nurture these relationships and hold them close? How do close relationships make you feel?

I hope to get love support encouragement and emotional safety from the connections I make with others. I try to nurture them as much as I can because I very much go by “treat others the way you want to be treated” so I compliment them alot support them alot try to comfort them when they are hurting, laugh with them cry with them be angry with them and for them. Having a close friendship makes me feel very needed and fulfilled like someone is happy to see me and to talk to me it makes me very happy to know that

Do your physical looks matter to you? How do you stylize and present yourself? Do you put a lot of effort into looking a certain way?

To some extent yes BUT if I like someone and if someone is important to me then their looks stops being a matter to me. Usually I dont have much energy due to my mental issues so I tend to dress lowkey but when I do dress up I dress up in a cutesy colorful Y2k revival style- I wear alot of hairclips. Colorful eyeliner or eyeshadow, glossy lips, strawberry earrings stacked bracelets sometimes, round glasses with metal frames. Plushies hanging from my tote bag.

If there was no one leading a disorganized team, would you step forward? If so, how would you lead? Do you think leadership is important?

I haven't really taken any leadership position as I usually prefer to be a follower but sometimes when I am with a bunch of introverts I become the person who speaks for them who communicates with the strangers for them so that they don't have to go through the anxiety. But if I am in a disorganised group I would try my best to boost the morale of the group and give them all my support and encourage them and advise them individually. And yes I think leadership is important to keep things organised.

Do you prefer to be independent or to have others to care for you? If you prefer to be independent, how do you feel when cared for? If you prefer to be dependent, how do you feel when you are on your own?

To be honest I want to be both independent and have someone take care of me. I want to be independent in the sense that I want to be able to go wherever I want, dress however I want and not have anyone pass judgement or control me over that. I also need someone to take care of me as my mental problems make it really hard for me to take care of myself and I am very prone to self neglect. I also want someone to be affectionate towards me and look out for my wellbeing without being too judgemental

Are you ambitious? How concerned are you with your success?

I really dont consider myself as an ambitious person and I dont really care much about success as long as people associated me and my loved ones are happy and supportive I am happy too

In an ideal world, where would you most like to be right now? Who would you most like to be?

Ideally, I wish to be in a European country with a girlfriend and living a comfortable and peaceful life. I admire alot of people but I dont really have anyone I want to become

How openly do you express your positive emotions? Your negative emotions? What relationship do you yourself have to your emotions?

I openly express my positive emotions, when I am happy I become more talkative more giddy and I cant stop thanking and complimenting the person who made me happy and sometimes I get physically affectionate too.

When it comes to my negative emotions however I try to suppress it and tend to think that I am just being overemotional because like I said before I initially assume most people to be good. Until the person who made me upset is gone and it all comes flooding back to me. If I feel angry for a social cause or for someone thats the only thing I openly express. I do later sometimes talk about my hurtful experiences when i have somewhat processed them to connect with people and be more relatable to others

Following the last question, what emotions do you dislike experiencing the most? What lengths do you go to avoid feeling these emotions? If they arise, how do you cope with these emotions?

To be honest I hate experiencing most negative feelings but I especially hate experiencing envy or jealousy because envy is a very nasty feeling which doesnt take long enough to turn into hatred and I do not want my perspective of people to be poisoned by this feeling. When such feelings arise I end up trying to distract myself using my old coping mechanisms- doomscrolling on phone or listening to music to the point I end up forgetting it

What does a romantic partner and relationship mean to you? Do you consider yourself a romantic type? How do you care for your partner?

By far I havent been in a romantic relationship but I do want a girlfriend someday. I would consider myself romantic since I do enjoy romance as a media genre and listen to romantic songs alot. If I get a partner I will try my best to support them emotionally I will encourage their interests I would comfort them when they are feeling down, lots of hugs and kisses, lots of gifts (usually cute gifts related to their interests)

What type of thing interests you the most? Do you prefer more creative tasks or analytical ones

I prefer more creative tasks. I love to write and draw alot. I love writing more though.I also love to do some crafts sometimes like making clay figurines.

How often do you feel things like anxiety and how do you cope with these emotions or stop these emotions from arising?

I am very anxiety prone but I hate feeling anxious, sometimes I end up avoiding seemingly harmless situations because of my anxiety. I tend to pace around alot and try to distract myself. Sometimes my brain starts playing random songs when I am anxious to put me at ease

What does security mean to you? What makes you feel the most secure, and what steps do you take to make sure you feel safe?

For me I usually tend to crave emotional security more, and for me emotional security means someone who is non judgemental someone who wont get mad at me when I am vulnerable someone who is not bigoted. Oftentimes in relationships deep down initially i am mentally “testing” people as in what would make them angry and eventually leave me. I get anxious when i dont get replies to text during the initial stage after that i start to become more comfortable after knowing more about the person.