u/Dirori2001

So as an Sp2 I am very averse to growing older. Infact I am sort of dreading my upcoming 25th birthday and the fact that im not far off from my late 20s now. And yeah its because of the fact that growing older means i cannot hide behind naivete and helplessness anymore that i would be expected to know things better to make less mistakes and have more expectations to not disappoint others. As a child I thought i would have things figured out by now but ofc I still have not. I want to stay young because I can get more easily excused.

Whats your experience with growing older.

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So my doctor basically told my parents to ignore me because I have FND instead of epilepsy and because it is "purely psychological" but I really am getting worse and my seizures are getting more violent in the sense. I have been struggling with sleep problems for a good while and the summer got quite intense where I live so that must be causing it. But it is also stressing me out how my parents are constantly telling me to "act normal" and to not lie all the time when lying down helps me with the 'aura' and the dizziness and headaches. They would shout my name and tell me to do some job when I am actively seizing or very obviously dealing with dizziness they would get mad at me for acting disoriented and constantly tell me to take deep breaths to fix myself. Its really making me upset and I think also contributing to worsening my symptoms

Can anyone who is a student here help me out with this. I often find myself getting easily tired and sometimes even get my usual tremors headaches and seizures when i over exert myself.I even missed out on my very first semester exam cuz of it and would have to take retests later 😭. I did infact grew up alot with trauma surrounding academics so maybe that can explain :') but still currently the course I am doing is alot more flexible than my bachelors and masters degree and my parents are alot more lenient with it unlike the previous ones (and school). I also feel a bit sad that I get exhausted after completing like two pages so is there any way I can get better with this

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Te section

Te-A. What is work? Why do we work? What defines a job as being “well done”? What factors influence the quality of your work?

For me work is any action which leads to a specific result which you are aiming for whether it's for yourself or for other people. Some of the factors which influence the quality of work are the effort, intention and learned skills put into it.

Te-B. Is all work equally valuable? How can we assess the value of different types of work, and what's the criteria for evaluating the importance of various jobs?

It depends on the work itself but I believe every little effort counts no matter how “lesser” it is, especially in terms of learning a new skill or self improvement. Consistency matters the most to me. but if it's like a group project for example you do have to give a certain amount of participation and effort to bring value to your work

Te-C. Do you tend to judge objects or tools by their efficiency, durability, or design? What matters most to you when evaluating something's usefulness?

It depends upon the object itself. For accessories and collectibles- design and durability matters more because i love cute plushies pin badges jewellery etc but i dont like them falling off my bag or body. I especially hate ball joint hooks. For makeup for example I prefer more efficiency and durability over package design because what's the point of buying a Flower Knows blush if it doesn't show up on my skin or I don't feel like using it to ‘preserve its beauty’ or whatever.

Te-D. How do you approach using technology to solve problems in your daily life? How do you deal with poorly functioning technology? Can you share some examples where you use tools, apps, or systems efficiently to get results?

I will say I approach technology with an open mind like social media for example I use my account as a part journalling part movie/anime reviews part kpop part *insert any interest i have* because sure i love some external validation but I don't like committing to the algorithm. It's too tiring. Besides that i mostly use it for communication to talk with my friends for years and friends i keep making mostly because of shared interests.

Te-E. What makes a method effective? Do you judge it by how fast it gets results, how consistently it works, or how well others can follow it?

Yes i sometimes judge a method by how fast it gives result at times because i lack patience but lately I have been valuing consistency more. My first priority however is how well others can follow things since I like to teach people and make things easier for them when i can

Ti section

Ti-A. What does “categorizing” mean? What is the difference between general and specific categorizations?

Categorising means putting an object living or non living (this itself is a category) into lists to distinguish them. General categories are like the words living and non living which covers very broad lists of objects and specific categories cover a more narrow list

Ti-B. What does being “logical” mean? Does your understanding of logic align with that of others? How easy or difficult is it to maintain logical reasoning?

Logical means being able to reason with yourself and others and make decisions with very little overt emotional influence (key word overt) . I am personally quite an emotionally driven person but at times I am able to maintain a sense of control over myself and let myself be rational and make logical decisions based on my surroundings.

Ti-C. What is a “hierarchy”? Provide examples of hierarchies. Should hierarchies be followed or obeyed? Why or why not?

Hierarchy is a state where one has more power over others in most situations due to age, experience, finance and position in society. I consider parent-child as a hierarchy for example and while the person on the higher up has more responsibility to safeguard the wellbeing of others, many times they abuse the said power so I would say BLIND obedience is dangerous and also bad for cognitive development, people should be able to question authorities at times of abuse of power and negligence

Ti-D. You must select one of the following tasks and provide a detailed explanation for your choice:

What is the relationship between the concepts of "cutlery" and "spoon"?

“Cutlery” is a broad category of utensils used for eating food such as forks, knives and spoons. Spoon is a utensil which falls under the broad category of “cutlery”

If A is not B and B is not C, then is A equal to C? Why or why not?

A and C could be the same thing, the possibility lies but here I don't exactly know what A B and C are supposed to be, they could be three different objects, two similar one different objects. The possibilities are many

Classify one of the following: musical styles, vehicles, taxes, fuel, or animals.

There are two types of bats- megabats and microbats. Megabats such as flying foxes mostly rely on sight and smell while microbats rely more on echolocations, megabats are mainly fruit eaters usually feeding on sugar rich fruits and nectars and are thats why ecologically important seed dispersers while microbats oftentimes are insect eaters. The Golden Crown Flying Fox is the biggest species of bats with wings spanning over five feet. They are gentle vegan giants and are basically skypuppies

What is classification? How is it implemented? Why is it necessary, and where is it applied? Provide an example.

Classification is similar to categorising though the term is mostly used in scientific fields. It is necessary to identify an object or an animal or plant etc more correctly. to study them in a much better way. One classic example is the Kingdom Phylum Class Order Family Genera Species Sub species.

“A ‘vegetable’ is not what is before us, because a ‘vegetable’ existed a thousand years before us, and therefore the vegetable before us is not a vegetable.” (Diogenes Laertius). Identify the logical error.

I mean why can't it be a vegetable, wheels existed thousands of years ago and a car tyre is still a fucking wheel

Analyze Socrates' statement: “I know that I know nothing.” Is it logical?

I mean that's exactly why he went around questioning people like Philomena Cunk to the point of irritating them. Because his hunger for knowledge never satiated.

Ti-E. Can laws be just or unjust? How do we evaluate the moral legitimacy of laws, and what criteria should be used to determine if a law is fair and equitable?

Laws can very much be unjust. We can value the moral legitimacy of law on the basis of how much it hurts or benefits people. If it significantly hurts the life and dignity of people it is immoral but if it instead protects people from legitimate harm then its a fair rule.

Se Section

Se-A. How can one apply pressure to someone? What methods can be used? Can you apply pressure on others? Why or why not?

Most people will think you can apply coercion mainly through fear and threat but another way of applying pressure is emotional appealment, sometimes when you help someone you create a debt for them you make them feel bad for not helping you back sometimes emotional attachment towards people works. Flattery is another tool of pressure as well because it makes people want to prove their worth. Usually if I have to pressure someone these are the ways I go for otherwise I don't force people, I often say “you don't need to do it” while secretly sometimes expecting people to do it i hate to admit this. Usually my way of pressure is as covert as it can be I don't go out of my way to hurt people

Se-B. What are some strategies for attack? Can you apply them? When is an attack justified, and under what circumstances is it permissible to encroach on someone else’s territory?

I dont really want to talk about this but when my emotions are hurt i often bring back the past actions of the person who is hurting me and point out how much of a hypocrite they are. I think attacking someone for self defense is justified for physical self defense i mean for emotional ones the situations depend but it is justified if you are the one with lesser power.

Se-C. Is protecting yourself and your interests important to you? Why or why not? What methods do you use to safeguard your interests?

Self protection is important to me because I want to live my life with dignity. Usually my ways of self protection is mainly fawning or flight to safeguard myself as I don't like conflicts at all and prefer more peaceful approaches unless i am driven to an extreme limit where I can no longer contain myself

Se-D. How do you handle situations that require confronting someone or using force against an opponent?

Like I said before, I am a very non-confrontational person and I ignore confrontation as long as I can until it is no longer feasible for me. It has always been a tactic to protect myself no matter how obviously unhealthy it very much is

Se-E. What makes someone “strong-willed”? Do others perceive you as a strong-willed person? Do you consider yourself to be one?

For me a “strong willed” person is a determined person who is focused on achieving their goals at any length (doesn't necessarily have to harm others) and get the job done and make a statement they intend to. I think most people probably dont see me as the most strong willed person out there but I am very much working on it myself and trying my best to be consistent in it

Si Section

Si-A. What is “beauty”? Is it objective or subjective? Does your understanding of beauty align with that of others?

Beauty is something which touches and pleases both our body and mind and beauty in fact is very subjective. In some cases my understanding of beauty aligns with others as I am very very weak to anything “cute” but at the same time in some ways it doesn't. I find aging beautiful I find older men and women aesthetically pleasing and beautiful and it is something the majoritarian society does not accept

Si-B. Can health be subjective? To what extent is health a personal experience, and can individuals perceive their health differently?

I think at this stage where many researches of health problems especially those mostly suffered by women are under researched it is sometimes safe to conclude that health is subjective. A healthy person will not see themselves as ill if there isn't something wrong going on with them no matter how much doctors often gaslight others.

Si-C. When you're sick or unwell, how do you prefer to be cared for? Do you seek help, isolate, ignore it, or treat it methodically?

When I am sick or unwell I do want some attention towards me whilst also feeling slightly bad at times for burdening around some people. I desire to be taken care of, validated and a little bit pampered. And whilst I might be non confrontational about my feelings I do in fact take my physical health very seriously and can get very hypochondriac at times. I openly seek help when i am unwell as much as i dislike visiting doctors because I want to get well as fast as I can

Si-D. How do you choose your outfits? Do you follow specific standards when selecting clothing? Why or why not? How do you decide what to wear for specific occasions?

While I usually wear what's in front of me I do in fact care about the colors going well with each other or the structure going well with each other. I don't like wearing kurti with leggings anymore and prefer straight legged jeans for most occasions. I wont wear my flowery pink and white top with some gaudy color but my black jeans or rosewood cargo pants will work well with it. My outfits are mostly simple. It's usually tshirts, tops, dresses, kurtas with jeans and sneakers. But I accessorize a lot. I often wear my strawberry earrings stacked bracelets a bit of makeup, accessorise my bag with plushies and pins and so on

Si-E. What is the nature of pleasure and pain? How do these sensations shape our experiences and perceptions of the world?

I do not like pain at all and I am naturally a very pleasure seeking person which also makes me non confrontational because I want the pleasure to be longer. Because I have mostly experienced pain whenever I confronted so I grew a tendency to avoid it and lose myself in sensory pleasures like listening to music stress eating over buying things to distract myself

Fe section

Fe-A. Have you ever felt conflicted about expressing a particular emotion in a social or professional setting? What factors influenced your decision? When is it inappropriate to express your true feelings?

I feel this a lot around my very conservative bigoted parents who have been abusive in the past and my equally conservative family members who are at most “centrists”. I also feel this when one of my professors applaud AI and talk about how it will ‘take jobs’ which of course is not necessarily possible because human input will always always have a higher value even in the age of rapid production. I express my true feelings only when I know the other person wont take my words to heart and feel hurt or hurt me in some way

Fe-B. How do you deal with negative emotions, such as sadness, anger, or depression? What about the positive emotions such as happiness, joy?

I don't do much well with negative emotions. I usually suppress it and if possible vent to someone or it goes straight into my journal. And I forget about it when I distract myself but something happens and I am back to square one. I start acting nice to people who are nice to me despite them being mean to me in the past and then I remember their actions once I am alone or they start being mean again. I overindulge in things which bring me joy such as shopping, eating, creating something and showing it to others and get praised for it. I tend to distract myself alot

Fe-C. Can we truly understand another person’s emotions? What are the limitations of such understanding?

We can only understand another person’s emotions only if they trust us enough to let us into them but besides that we can understand some aspects of them by observing their habits, what they often reach out for, how they talk, what they mostly bring up. Observation helps ALOT but it is still not everything.

Fe-D. What is your usual emotional state? Does your internal emotional state align with how you present yourself externally?

I don't have a constant emotional state due to my mental condition which makes me go 0-100 real quick. It depends usually with negative emotions, it can get obvious on my face but it is involuntarily as i still try to be as nice as I can but i dont shy away from showing my positive emotions

Fe-E. What are the signs that indicate someone’s emotional state? If a loved one or friend is experiencing negative emotions like sadness, how would you help them feel more positive? Are you skilled at this?

Their facial expression, the tone of their voice, their mannerisms, their silence or lack thereof. Usually I listen to them at first. Give them encouraging words, hug them, let them know that I am going to be available as per my ability and try to support them as much as I can. Sometimes i get angry on their behalf so that they feel catharsis and relief

Fi Section

Fi-A. How do you manage relationships with others? How skilled are you at maintaining relationships or adjusting your psychological distance from others? Share your experiences with relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or otherwise.

When I befriend someone I try to do everything to make them happy so that they would want to stay with me as long as I want and never leave me. I try to cater to their needs, try to read them as much as I can and even if we are not talking I send them reels regularly as per their personal tastes. I try to read them as much as I can to adjust myself according to them.

Fi-B. What is love? Can love ever be damaging to a relationship? How can strong affection cause problems?

Love and attachments can be damaging to others if the person in question is blind to the needs of the others and assumes that what they are doing for the other person is the only right thing to do. We see this often in many parent child relationships *cough* dead poets society *cough* *cough”

Fi-C. How important is politeness in everyday life? Can someone be polite but still hurtful? Can it be used as a form of manipulation? If so, how would you recognize it?

I think being nice to others is important because that's the least you can do. You dont know what others must be going through and its best to not become the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And yes you can absolutely be cruel whilst being polite and politeness has been very much used as a manipulation. Like some people play regina george alot they can be nice to your face but speak shit behind your back and use their social power to isolate you and humiliate you before you know it.

Fi-D. What does “moral” mean? What does “immoral” mean? How do you define these concepts, and how do others interpret them? Does your understanding align with that of others?

Moral for me means anything which benefits people and actions that help them physically, emotionally, financially and socially. Immoral acts on the other hand are those which are designed to hurt people and even kill them directly or indirectly. My morals align with a certain section of people especially of the communities I personally belong to- p

queer, neurodivergent, etc but it irks the conservatives from whom I mostly stay away from

Fi-E. If someone demonstrates a negative attitude toward you, how would you handle it? Does it bother you? Why or why not? Is it acceptable to respond with a negative attitude? Are you good at doing so?

I cry often i tear up I seethe in anger but i say nothing until i had enough of their bullshit then i yell back at them. Even when they keep saying “dont shout” i dont back off at that point I had reached a level which is too much for me to bear for so long

Ne Section

Ne-A. What is the meaning of life? Is it subjective or objective? Can we ever fully understand life’s meaning?

There is no fixed meaning of life for me I see the concept of it as a transient thing. As a child i wanted to simply create art. In my late teens i wanted to help people then in my early 20s i wanted to escape control and have my own room and now that my living situation got slightly better I am back to wanting to help people. Sure i still love creating i still dream of my own room but these have become secondary. The nature of meaning of life changes from time to time there is not one single true meaning

Ne-B. What is the truth? What is a lie? Can anything be purely a truth or a lie? How can a set of true facts turn into a lie?

Truth and lies depend upon situations. Sometimes the truth is empirical evidence that the earth is round and it revolves around the sun. Sometimes the truth for you is what you believe is right but that truth is not necessarily the absolute truth when you can evidently see the harm your beliefs cause. Sometimes the beauty of truth lies in keeping it to yourself and moving on with life rather than constantly preaching it to others

Ne-C. Einstein once said, “Two things are truly infinite: the universe and human stupidity. I’m not sure about the universe, though.” What is the essence of “stupidity”? Why is it seemingly inexhaustible? What distinguishes foolish thinking from intelligent reasoning?

The essence of stupidity is repeatedly doing things where you are digging your own grave and sometimes pulling others into it. It is inexhaustible because human beings being slaves to their situations constantly repeat the same mistakes which makes it look inexhaustible. Like being a bigot for example because it doesn't take long for bigotry to bite you back. It also does not take self sabotaging habits to pile up and give you health problems.

Ne-D. How do you recognize when something lacks prospects or future potential? What signs make you think something

to be fair when i usually think a case is hopeless I am not usually in a healthy mindset otherwise my natural tendency is to see multiple possibilities. For me oftentimes remembering my past failures and my current disabilities and sickness which of course as the name suggests disables me in many fields such as having a normal social life those thoughts make me spiral into hopelessness like I will never have a person I can rely on or I will always be trapped otherwise at my best I am always seeing the possibilities

Ne-E. What does "meaning" mean to you? How do you recognize when something has meaning? What does it take for something to be meaningless?

I dont care much about meaning that much since I have already established that the meaning of life is transient to me and changes from time to time. I only care about “meanings” when I am reading or consuming literature in some way because curtains are always blue for a reason. For me if

personally my actions means a lot to something else thats when I find my life meaningful. The only time I find my actions meaningless or hopeless is when I am underappreciated

Ni Section

Ni-A. How do different events shape a person’s character? How do you feel about such changes? Are they visible?

As human beings we are definitely shaped by the circumstances we grow up with. If we grow up privileged we remain blind to many types of human suffering (unless the said person willingly want to step out of their privileged life and want to dedicate their life to understand human suffering) and trauma very much also shapes a person’s perception of life. Many traumatised people either cope with extreme optimism or develop extreme pessimism due to life circumstances and yes it is indeed visible in their ways

Ni-B. What is time? How do you experience it? Can someone truly “waste” time? Why or why not?

I dont have the best sense of time since as of right now i should be asleep but here I am answering another dumb typology questionnaire. It maybe seen as a time waste to others but it is also a tool for me to understand myself

Ni-C. How do you predict events? Do you trust predications or forecasts made by others (like weather reports, expert opinions, etc.)? Is it possible to truly predict an event?

I usually predict events by a constant observation of patterns or being paralysed by my own fears due to my past. I generally dont trust weather forecasts but I really enjoy astrology from time to time and what it has to say about me. But astrology is also a very interpretive tool so no one can truly predict an event. Even most astrologers refrain from it.

Ni-D. How do you manage time? Are you often late? What measures do you take to ensure punctuality? How do you feel about others being late?

I am not the best in managing time i wake up pretty late and dont really like having fixed time for everything but i still get the job done like I need to take my medications after breakfast and i do that whether i have my breakfast in 7 am or 10 am

Ni-E. What role does fortune or luck play in a person’s life? Do you believe people shape their own destiny, or are events largely out of our control? How do you respond to unexpected turns of fate?

I do think to a certain extent fortune plays a role as being born into wealth provides you with more opportunities and pleasures which a middle class or lower can simply not afford at all but even then people still have some responsibility to shape their future it does not go one way. I am not sure if I experienced unexpected turns of fate. Yes i never expected my parents getting nicer to me or me getting chronically ill or so on but it is all a cumulative result of life events

So based on my experience and all the questionnaires i did i am either an sp2 or an sp6 and lately sp6 feels like it makes more sense to me. Sure I relate to e2 desires and fears and can see it as my heart type but i dont think pride is my vice. Well yeah sometimes my pride does lead to some trouble like if someone calls me selfish it gets on my nerves and really really makes me angry because im constantly adjusting myself according to others but I relate more to e6 vice more as a very anxious person. Im also initially very introverted by appearance unless someone seems nice enough to be trusted.

But besides that I also relate alot to ENFP and ENFP makes more sense to me than INFP as i relate more to inferior si more than inferior te (though nonetheless i have a weak te) so i wonder if Sp6 enfp makes sense? Most people say enfp is correlated with sx7 but still i wonder. I also believe im 6w7 if im a 6 core so yeah

So recently it was confirmed that my seizures and tremors are caused by PNES/FND rather than epilepsy which on one hand is great but it also feels like now I am expected to jump back into being functional. My doctor adviced that my routine shouldnt be disrupted which at first sounded great but it was meant as in im supposed to be regular in my classes and she told my parents i should have been allowed to give my semester exams and i was really sick at the time. My mom now blamed me for missing the semester and ofc as usual brought up my weight like i purposely made myself gain and it felt more disheartening. I dont know how i am supposed to attend classes regularly since i live in a tropical country and heat is one of my big triggers for my seizures. My doctor also adviced me that healing is "solely on me" and it feels like i have a huge burden to recover quickly. Dont get me wrong i want to recover and gain my old freedom back but I am not sure how am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to go on when it often feels like hell when i cant properly sleep because of my seizures. Any advice?

There are alot of shit i write in my diary so this is just a couple of sentences which stood out to me

I realised that the reason I feel that I do more for others is because I instinctually try to understand others and do the emotional labour but get resentful when others dont do the same.

If someone says they dont like me I become more hungry for them to like me

I feel very godawful that I cannot attend any protests. I think I should stop fearing death and imprisonment. Even if my parents allowed me I still would not be able to muster up enough courage to attend one. I feel like a coward, I am a living oxymoron. Maybe the only thing I am good at is escaping

Despite every mishaps, every embarassing moment everytime you are feeling low, when you have loving friends life feels like a breeze, yes today it was full of such moments, i tore my dress, i slipped down to the floor, I forgot to take my meds and got seizures because of which I had to leave early. Still my friends were with me and that was enough.

I know this time I gave my best I tried to keep our relationship afloat, I tried to do everything she wanted, maybe I am blind to my mistakes but I was good I was really good!!!! I loved her with all my heart.

Things hasnt been the same since \*ex-friend\* left I feel like I will burden everyone so I still prefer to only show my cheerful side to them. In that way no one would leave me.

I know I should be careful with money and food habits but I often feel the urge to do impulsive things, its either staying unbearably depressed or spending money on food and plushies

When I told my dad "do I not do enough for you" he replies "your job is not to do things for us because you are still young" which is confusing because they often tell me how much they do for me

There are alot of shit i write in my diary so this is just a couple of sentences which stood out to me

Tw// mentions of illness and SH

I realised that the reason I feel that I do more for others is because I instinctually try to understand others and do the emotional labour but get resentful when others dont do the same.

If someone says they dont like me I become more hungry for them to like me

I feel very godawful that I cannot attend any protests. I think I should stop fearing death and imprisonment. Even if my parents allowed me I still would not be able to muster up enough courage to attend one. I feel like a coward, I am a living oxymoron. Maybe the only thing I am good at is escaping

Despite every mishaps, every embarassing moment everytime you are feeling low, when you have loving friends life feels like a breeze, yes today it was full of such moments, i tore my dress, i slipped down to the floor, I forgot to take my meds and got seizures because of which I had to leave early. Still my friends were with me and that was enough.

I know this time I gave my best I tried to keep our relationship afloat, I tried to do everything she wanted, maybe I am blind to my mistakes but I was good I was really good!!!! I loved her with all my heart.

Things hasnt been the same since *ex-friend* left I feel like I will burden everyone so I still prefer to only show my cheerful side to them. In that way no one would leave me.

I know I should be careful with money and food habits but I often feel the urge to do impulsive things, its either hurting myself or spending money on food and plushies

When I told my dad "do I not do enough for you" he replies "your job is not to do things for us because you are still young" which is confusing because they often tell me how much they do for me

Tw// mention of suicide attempts self harm and illness

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I usually see this is usually attributed to E4s but during my lifetime I grew up internalising this. Even though I still do try to hide my pain with a cheerful facade as much as its possible for me but I grew up witnessing that I was only taken seriously when my pain especially my chronic illness and mental problems are too apparent.

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For instance my parents who are usually very stern and cold towards me softened up after they found out that I attempted. And then comes the day when I was experiencing mild psychosis that i missed an exam they got back to being soft towards me. Then one day i self harmed so bad that I had to begrudgingly had to confess to my parents.

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But they were kind to me cuz they were scared of losing me and they pretty much made it clear because i could sense their resentment and thats also why I hated being the visibly suffering one.

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Then last month I developed a seizure disorder (PNES) due to overworking and then they actually became more understanding

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I feel very mixed about suffering visibly- im open to talk about my past traumas to connect with others and make people feel safe and understood. I also have an on and off problem with self harm because of bpd but I hate visibly suffering and being treated like a monster or a burden (which is something i often got).

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Also since I am an SP2 i have the strong need to be pampered and comforted so there is that. Can E2s feel this.

So when I an SP2w1 feels envy as an emotion I try to supress it as much as I can and berate myself for feeling this emotion because it feels like an irrational intrusive thought to me sometimes. Its not something I like to sit and explore because its simply an uncomfortable emotion, just like anger (which is another emotion i suppress). I suppress envy because i hate the idea of hating someone who did nothing to me

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On top of that i suppress envy because I truly never ever hated the subject of my envy. Infact i cherish them alot and truly wish them well. I just feel a sense of longing and resentment about the situation. I grew up having my parents comparing me with my cousins and other children they know. So most of my envy is specifically about academics and not much in other field. And even in academics its still very relational like- if i was like this like that my parents wouldve been kinder to me. So yeah i do experience envy as an emotion like everyone else but I dont like acting on it because I simply hate the emotion.

So i (24) got my first episode last month and i still have it. I feel very mixed about remitting because on one hand i really wish I never had it because it has hindered me alot, I missed out on a lot of school events because heat and strong sunlight is one of my main triggers (besides sleep deprivation, sensory overload- loud noises and flashing lights caffiene and very especially my emotional instability) I really want to go back to my old routine. I cant go anywhere alone else i risk a seizure episode. I want to learn swimming and tutor kids but I cant because of this illness.

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But on the other hand this is like the first time my parents took my mental health seriously without treating me like a monster. They were already doing that by taking me to therapist and psychiatrist but they were doing that out of fear. I have BPD because of which im prone to hurting myself and sure my parents are worried about me dont wanna lose me and whatnot- i always know their intentions are noble. But they treated me like a monster in a way that im ruining their life by hurting myself

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I feel so mixed about this I dont know. My psychiatrist told that its linked to my bpd but I dont know how long my bpd would exist because my bpd symptoms are a result of years of traumatic life events. And now my parents especially mom thinks I will get magically cured once I get a job.

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Identifying triggers doesnt help because I live in India and my psychiatrist increased the dosage of my lithium and fluoextine so I am always overheated. I have always been sensitive and now that i have bpd i get more prone

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My mom also thinks its a good idea to cut me off from mouth dissolving clonazepam which helps me with the aftermath of seizures and it makes me very angry. I dont like this.

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I dont know what to do what to feel about this

I am femme lesbian and I am 24 years old. People have often assumed me to be a teenager or barely into my 20s because of my babyface and because of my aesthetic, the way I accessorize. I wear multiple bracelets on my left wrist. I wear cute hair clips alot and hang plushies in my bag.

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And i personally love my aesthetic- It is a source of comfort for me especially the plushies work as stim toys as well. And I feel mixed about having a babyface in my mid 20s because on one hand this is the only way i confirm to the conventional beauty standards. Otherwise I dont because I'm fat.

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And the only people i have seemed to attract so far are creepy men who violated me. And that makes me very sad...

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Ive had crush on women alot but I feel hesitant to ask them out due to my great fear of rejection and my appearance. I really want a long term partner but im so scared

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Everybody seems attracred to more mature looking queers and im also guilty of it but i really want a girlfriend i dont wanna die single

By far I have done three different questionnaires and depending on whoever is reading the questionnaire I either get typed as an E2 E6 or E9. And I dont blame anybody since it confirms that I am a 269 tritype that remains unchanged atleast. But its hard to determine my core type so here are some things about me. Although I do want to keep in mind that I have BPD which as the name suggests very much affects my personality

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My biggest fear is abandonment, rejection or being left behind by people I love. Losing people feels very soul crushing to me and hurts my ego. Everything related to them feels- tainted in a sense because oftentimes we happen to unite over a particular interest we share. It hurts my ego because it feels like a proof that I havent been a good friend or a partner

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I very very much care about being kindhearted, sincere, caring, trustworthy and safe but also being seen as kindhearted, sincere , caring , trustworthy and safe because these are some values I personally admire in people, try to emulate myself and sort of mentally expect everyone to be like that. I feel hurt when thats not the case for people i meet

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Being labelled as a “selfish” person hurts my ego more than being called incompetent or untalented. Unless the incompetent label is tied to whether im lovable or not. And i feel more bad for hurting the other person with my said incompetency

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I have a tendency to put others before myself because I sometimes feel that my needs are more “secondary” and I get resentful when others don't reciprocate the care towards me. I also get mad when someone else tells me that my needs (but especially needs which grant me pleasure and comfort) are secondary

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I find it quite troubling to say no to others and feel guilty when I prioritise myself. Again I mentally try to tell myself that I always share food and sometimes I should let myself eat a lets say a big bar of chocolate

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I also give people a lot of second chances and grace because I believe that human beings can change and most people if not all people can become a better human being. However, sometimes I struggle to extend that grace to myself.

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I usually bottle up my anger because I can be very scared when I get angry and I am terrified of hurting people with my rage. But it eventually leaks out if I had held it on for too long

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I also fear being a burden or an inconvenience or a “too much” to others and I especially feel that way when I vent to other people at times or prioritise my needs. I am afraid of being vindicated when it comes to this topic

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Sometimes when I am in pain I tend to draw towards people I love and care about to seek reassurance from them to calm my anxiety and I get very distressed when people draw away from me.

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I am also extremely sensitive and get upset when someone invalidates my pain and struggles, dismiss my emotions and tell me to “toughen up”. Invalidation is one of my biggest triggers.

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I care the most about being loved, appreciated and feeling emotionally safe and connected to people. I don't care much about status, power or for being different

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So for the most part I got typed as an SP2 whenever I did all these enneagram questionnaires but sometimes I get typed as SP6 with a strong 2 fix or SX9 again with a strong 2 fix. I keep rotating between the 2-6-9 tritype. And on one hand I find it amusing because different people are perceiving me as a different type based on their own experiences and its just generally fun to know people

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But again lets say I really am SP2 so how would the concept of pride look on me. In a general sense I dont quite see myself as a prideful person because of my low self esteem issues. But then if I think a bit deeper I do think I am better than many people around me because I am not bigoted like them. Or if i reflect more I think I am better than one of my bullies in my boarding house because I never made my mental health issues everybody's problem (until one of my then roommate caught me and I felt sorry for burdening them), but that girl always made everyone involved in her boyfriend problems (I guess i mainly hated her for bullying me). I think I am better than my parents because I make my brother feel safe and so on.

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And again I also loathe the word Selfish to a great extent. I hate when anyone calls me that because I work so hard to put others before myself (and consequently feel resentful when I dont get the same energy back but we dont talk about that). I crashed out at mom when she called me selfish for doing something which she also does (my mom is an SO2) I really get triggered by that label.

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Also when an ex bestfriend decided to abandon me I initially hated her for it I hated the fact that shes making me seem that I am the problem and i ocsillated between hating her to wanting her back in my life to catastrophising that from then on I will not let anyone get close to me. In retrospect I must admit that I was the problem. Sure I was at my lowest point due to my mental illnesses but its still isnt an excuse. But anyways losing people hurts my ego as well

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Is this how pride supposed to look for SP2s which I believe I am. Or is it something different. I am not quite sure

Back in school I used to get bullied alot cuz i was a "weird" kid for some reason (i am very likely on the spectrum and have adhd both being undiagnosed) and it was more of an emotional bullying like as kids people used to gang up on me and order me around.

During my teen years it was more like there was a shared belief that I am someone who must be avoided at all cost and anyone who did want to befriend me were actively discouraged. I used to distance myself because i felt like im an inconvenience. It didnt help that teachers made the talkative children sit with me as a punishment.

The boys in my school also bullied me for years right uptil i finished school. It was so bad that I started to get panic attacks when i had to interact with a boy of my age.

I spent my undergrad years barely interacting with anyone in university and it was quite peaceful. Lonely but peaceful. I just listened to music during my commute attended classes grabbed something from the nearby cake shop after classes and went home listening to music.

But I moved out for two years for my postgrad degree and i lived in a boarding house and I never was able to truly mingle with anyone there. They always complained about every little mistake i did which got really frustating and no matter how much i tried adjusting i seem to leave something behind and they never stopped complaining. It was already a struggle living by myself because of my chronic depression. They never included me when they ate together they never gave me a surprise birthday like they did with everyone even the girl they least interacted with. They were friendly with the roommate who faked cancer. They even filmed my room one day and sent it to the whatsapp group because i forgot to switch off the lights and it was so humilating that I literally self harmed that day and still have residual scars from my the act.

And all of this made me very fearful of people especially of making friends in real life and it sucks because I genuinely love interacting with people and making new friends. I love connecting with people alot I love to talk. I even fantasize having a friend group like many people do in their teens and 20s. Im 24 right now and I feel like im growing too old for friendgroups. But i still want one of genuine connection and I am tired of only having internet friends who live continents away. Im so scared of people i wish i wasnt.