Questioning did/osdd system here, I know this question won’t apply to most here. But for those it does: How do you cope with being plural when you do not want to be?
I don’t want my memories taken from me, I don’t want dissociation, I don’t want trauma. How do you accept all of the above in the process of accepting you are a system? How do you make that peace?
I am a questioning system, and I flip between “I am a system” and “I am not a system” quite often. But when I do believe I am likely a system, I feel such a visceral and absolute disgust at the idea. I don’t find other systems disgusting, or negatively regard them in any way. But when I think about being a system I am repulsed. I feel gross, cringey, evil, and all around just bad. It makes me feel like a terrible friend and partner because I won’t always be ‘me’ for them. It makes me feel as if I am trivialising the experiences of ‘real’ systems with ‘real’ trauma. I want answers as to why I experience the symptoms I do but I don’t want DID or OSDD to be the answer. It’s making me not want to get evaluated/assessed. I don’t want it to not be the answer because then I don’t know what’s happening, but fuck I do not want DID/OSDD to be the answer.
I am a questioning system, and I flip between “I am a system” and “I am not a system” quite often. But when I do believe I am likely a system, I feel such a visceral and absolute disgust at the idea. I don’t find other systems disgusting, or negatively regard them in any way. But when I think about being a system I am repulsed. I feel gross, cringey, evil, and all around just bad. It makes me feel like a terrible friend and partner because I won’t always be ‘me’ for them. It makes me feel as if I am trivialising the experiences of ‘real’ systems with ‘real’ trauma. I want answers as to why I experience the symptoms I do but I don’t want DID or OSDD to be the answer. It’s making me not want to get evaluated/assessed. I don’t want it to not be the answer because then I don’t know what’s happening, but fuck I do not want DID/OSDD to be the answer.