u/Dismal-Contract-623

how did you process?

Since childhood I grew up away from my dad. we were not in close contact and i was raised by my mom. Me and Dad was not on a traditional dad-son relationship. I always felt him so distance from me...and he was openly showing me toxic things even as a kid(like caring other kids and ignoring me)...My mom had some contact with him as they were not technically divorced...Our relationship was complicated...For my mind there was no dad except for the face value of it...not strong feelings as he was not around me from childhood(from 5yrs old to now)

Later in the life he wanted to become a monk and he did...it was a rural area inside a wild forest..so the monks were alone most of the time..I thought he is happy about this life and did not care much as i wasnt really in contact with him anyways...

A few days ago we got a call from the monastery that he hanged himself to death. This was a real shock for me and mom. Even we had to see him as he was hanging when we arrived at location(we did not see face but from behind).

When funeral was arranged by monks as he is now belong to the monastery instead of us. some people said to me that he was anticipating my visit...i also learnt he had really bad mental issues since few months...and shockingly people who were close to him knew he had one suicide attempt 1month ago...

I did not know any of these details until few days ago...

Funeral went smooth, i was numb during this time as for me this was a very confused death...Some people directly passed blame on me but honestly i really did not know what even happened there(we talked occasionally before he became a monk, but after i was so confused to even talk with him)

We had bad memories from my childhood, but still i lost him as my dad...idk how to process it...

After few days from the funeral i started feeling heavy, a deep sorrow about the incident and was thinking what if i could have done

It was so sad 😞

Have you ever taken acid in this condition? did it help you to overcome issues with borderline personality disorder? or it made situation worst

I kinda wanna know how to deal with this

She is often silent and feels really depressed sometime...for me her mood affects mine too...

sometimes idk what to even do...

Most of the time she acts toxic(telling hurtful things directly) when comes to sensitive topics. this indirectly hurts me and she even knows that...but it feels like she is bit stubborn when comes to these sensitive topics

i am having a difficult time navigating this(i did not know this prior to marriage)...

For most of the time i feel like she judges people, makes assumptions in her mind, act upon it...

has anyone faced a similar situation?

PS: i read lot about BPD, as i understand her case is not extreme at least for now

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