u/Dismal_Abroad735

“The loss of identity after becoming a parent.”

I have heard over and over again (in my personal life and on the internet) how a person loses their former identity after becoming a parent.

I do believe this is a real and shared experience among many, but I personally can’t relate.

I became a mother at 37 so I lived my entire 20s and better part of my 30s without the responsibility of children. I traveled, established my teaching career, indulged in creative projects, joined fitness groups, formed a close circle of friends, etc. There’s really nothing I feel like I missed out on. And even if there was, I think I’d manage with children under my wing.

Now that I am a mother, I don’t really feel like I’ve “lost” an identity so much as I’ve gained a new one. I’m a wife, a friend, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, and now I’m a mother. The one thing I truly miss is being able to leave the house at a moment’s notice.

I don’t know who else feels this way, that becoming a parent has actually given something to you rather than taken something away. Every other parent I know tends to have a negative spin on this topic…

When I was 13w pregnant we did the NIPT test because my double markers came back abnormal (high beta-hcg, low Papp-A). The NIPT came back with a positive screening for Turners Syndrome, although our OB believed it was confined to the placenta because all the ultrasounds were normal. We could have done the amniocentesis to determine if our baby really did have Turners, but since it wouldn’t affect our decision to continue with the pregnancy we decided to wait until after birth for karyotyping.

Our baby was born three weeks ago, and we just got the results of the karyotyping test. All chromosomes are accounted for. No Turner Syndrome.

For context, my baby spent her first week in NICU for a possible heart anomaly. She was formula fed in the beginning while one of the NICU nurses advised me on pumping (those hospital pumps are amazing) and my colostrum came in within 48 hours, pumping enough to replace her formula feeding within 3-4 days.

But whenever I tried to breastfeed her directly during our visits, baby just wouldn’t latch. I started using a nipple cover to help her but even then she’d get tired so easily. I relied more and more on pumping and bottle feeding. Baby was gaining weight and her heart anomaly corrected itself, so we were able to bring her home after a week.

But at home, my mental health regarding breastfeeding started declining. I listened too much to social media. I was pumping 6x per day, waking up twice at night to pump, and I started noticing my production declining. I was panicking. I pumped longer and with more suction. My right breast ended up in mastitis and I had to go to the ER for antibiotics. An ER gynecologist gave me some advice about breast care that didn’t actually help. I was in so much pain… but desperate to keep up my production I continued pumping.

My husband, seeing I was in so much pain when I tried once again to get my baby to latch to me without success, hired a lactation consultant to come to our house.

Elda knocked on our door the next day. She fawned over our hungry baby in her bassinet in the living room then looked at me and said, “You’re doing a great job.” I just started crying right there.

We sat down with my baby and she asked what position I’d been trying, which was the typical cradle “belly to belly” position. She showed me the football position, helped place my baby comfortably at my breast, and when her mouth was wide open, shoved my baby’s face into my nipple lol I can’t tell you the absolute feeling of relief feeling her suckle without any pain. Is this breastfeeding? Are we finally doing it?? I wanted to hug Elda, but marveled instead at my baby hungrily sucking away! I could hear her swallowing, her little grunts of satisfaction. After about 15 minutes she let go of my breast and her eyes rolled around.

“That’s milk drunk,” Elda said. After a 10 minute break and a quick diaper change (thank you hubby) we put her back on the breast for round 2! She latched again with Elda’s help, and drank for another 10 minutes before absolutely falling into a milk coma.

While she slept, Elda inspected my pump and told me I was using the wrong flange.

“After a few minutes of pumping, the nipple swells and it’s rubbing against the sides of the pump. You need a slightly bigger flange,” Elda said. All this time I was watching social media and measuring my nipple “pre-pump” and the flange I was using was way too small. Once she switched out the flange, I pumped from the other breast and had a much better output with no pain.

“You don’t need to pump 6x a day,” she said. “Pump three times instead. And stop waking up in the middle of the night to pump, unless of course your breasts are really engorged. You deserve to sleep and rest will actually increase production.”

She also gave me permission to drink caffeinated coffee, which I had been avoiding out of fear of compromising my milk production.

“You’re producing enough milk. Stop watching social media with these women who are over-producers with a freezer full of stashed milk. Be kind to your body, let your baby latch and feed from you, and pump strategically. You’re doing great.”

That was three days ago, and I have to say I’m finally looking forward to feeding my baby now.

“Who wants a boobie!!” I say as my baby starts to fuss. I cradle her in the football position and she latches right away. It’s so satisfying to hear her drinking and how “milk drunk” she gets after a 15-20 minute feed.

I give all the credit to Elda for saving my breastfeeding journey and giving me back my confidence.

I wanted to come back here to provide a word of caution to those of you who plan to breastfeed or pump.

I’ve just been to the ER for a high fever and severe pain in my lower right breast. It’s mastitis :(

The ER gynecologist has prescribed antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds. She also told me the following in order to prevent this from happening again and I’d like to share it with you all:

- Our babies are cute, but their mouths have germs. Our breasts are at risk of infection because the pores open and bacteria can travel inside the breasts. It’s important to wash with antibacterial soap or us an antibacterial wipe after every feeding for pumping session. Then a nipple cream to prevent dryness and cracking.

- Breastfeed and/or pump on schedule. It’s important to keep milk moving to prevent inflammation and clogged ducts, which can get infected.

I hope someone finds this useful and doesn’t suffer mastitis like me! :(

Good luck everyone!