hehehehehhehhehehehehe beloved creaaaatureee I will upload any better video should I so get one. Nimi is a simple and religious woman, an anti blowist. She so very despises my womanmade wind, good creeqaaatureeee.

This is a follow up idk if yall remember but we decided this is probably ethical I love her so much im sorry I must torment you small one you simply have too many hands to allow you peace

Teenage puppy years are so cute :) she kept crying following me around so I put her in a pet pouch to do chores with me🤍

Hello :) this is my GoFundMe
My name is Ella and Ive struggled with mental llness since 5th grade, 9 years old until today, 21 years old, agoraphobic, and completely incapacitated by sum of it all.

After two seperate Psych Evals, Im currently diagnosed as having Major Depressive Disorider, OCD, OCPD, Social & General Anxiety Disorders, Panic Disorder, Dysthymia, ADHD, and Bulimia/Anorexia (binge-purge type). I’ve been diagnosed and undiagnosed more times than I can count.

This campaigns actual goal is 10,000$ but GoFundMe reccomended keeping a “dynamic goal” to be more successful, but I want to be fully transparent about that because It feels kinda deceitful to me, and want to properly respect any and everyone I’m asking for help like this. TMS for OCD is not covered by my insurance (blue cross blue shield from my mom), and you can see for yourself in the attached images how expensive it is without insurance

I’ve seen over 50 professionals (mom’s number) in outpatient care; mostly denying redirecting my case elsewhere due to it being “too complex/immediately severe” or “specialized”in either my depression/suicidality or for my eating disorder. Many psychiatrists also just didn’t know what else they could do as no pills (except vyvanse) or possible combination of them seemed to work for me. Even DNA testing for my most compatible drugs, it was still dead end after dead end, beating a dead horse to make it live again. Useless. I did have a handful of great doctors i saw enough to have real memories with. Many more professionals if you count impatient, residential, and in partial hospitalization programs too though.

While spravato is covered, the out of pocket per appointment we pay is 65$, and stillneeding that twice a week is $130 we simply do not have with gas, food, bills, etc, getting higher and higher, my wellbeing has become collateral damage. I’m currently fighting the government for SSI as financial support in an appeal, so that route is being covered too. I want to emphasize so much how I’d never be so audacious as to demand money from people, but I’m at the shameful point where there is no other way ahead of me and I need to go so bad. This treatment feels like it’d be the last piece for me to make real memories with other people and have a real chance life can be good.

Auvelity is the first drug to do something real to improve my condition, which was an extremely tender moment for me, who’d grown up to assume I was doing treatment despite nothing working so my parents could rest easy knowing they did what they could, but that some people just aren’t meant to live and how it’s cruel not to put a sick dog to bed. This was warmth on ice who’d never known the sun to say it existed. Even if that sounds embarrassing and cheesy, I really do sincerely mean it with everything. It broke my heart in a good way, it made me believe there’s a chance in treatment. It worked so well I was actually excited to get spravato, which had scared me before. That helped too, so much, but I was still left in horrible pain so much of the time, even if not every second of every day anymore, it was everyday to different degrees. I hit a plateau there, and put my faith in TMS for my depression. It worked so much better, but the newfound energy has gotten so tangled, clogged and screaming in death knots tied over and over by my ocd and has led to a new kind of much more alert, immediate, and active distress. I recognized it as my ocd, and thought how perfect it was for me that i knew what to do that I could have real hope in, TMS for my OCD. It feels like it could be the cure, the last piece I can finally admit I’ve been starving desperate for, to have a piece and find a home. But America really likes to paywall happiness and survival in our healthcare system so, I’m really fucking choked up and desperate to be seen.

This GoFundMe was not made lightly, it was made after weeks breaking down. Conciousness is simply too unbearable even still. Any basic tasks I struggle with, and any remotely complex task or slight responsibility feels impossible and takes days of steeling myself up just to write this Reddit post for instance. There are hundreds of abandoned paragraphs, and it’s getting so tangled even still. It’s extremely difficult trying to explain how severe my mental illness is without just straight up writing extremely graphic and triggering intent that may not be allowed here as im the parasite killing my body even as its host.

On a hopeful note to finish things up and just say times up (seriously, hundreds of abandoned paragraphs with thousands of words), making a post like this would’ve been impossible. I used to get a panic attack just looking at my phone (I associate it with people) and so anxious just knowing where it is just last year. Now I use my phone a relatively consistent amount and even try talking to others, and have been able to make a friend I can actually talk to and not worry. That alone is so precious.

I have so much hope this can change my life, and Im ignoring the deep guilt and pride required for me to ask something like this of anyone. So please, anyone, everyone I’m so eternally grateful for, please help me get this treatment. Just in anyway you feel comfortable with, sharing, reposting, donating, reading, liking—anything . I cherish anything and everything—just reading this, thankyou so much spending your time to understand me. I promise I’ll honor every last % of each penny given to me. Any consideration and attempt to help is absolute gold to me, I will cherish every drop of water in the pool I’m given for my entire life. Thankyou.
another link to my GoFundMe:)

Hello :) this is my GoFundMe
My name is Ella and Ive struggled with mental llness since 5th grade, 9 years old until today, 21 years old, agoraphobic, and completely incapacitated by sum of it all.

After two seperate Psych Evals, Im currently diagnosed as having Major Depressive Disorider, OCD, OCPD, Social & General Anxiety Disorders, Panic Disorder, Dysthymia, ADHD, and Bulimia/Anorexia (binge-purge type). I’ve been diagnosed and undiagnosed more times than I can count.

This campaigns actual goal is 10,000$ but GoFundMe reccomended keeping a “dynamic goal” to be more successful, but I want to be fully transparent about that because It feels kinda deceitful to me, and want to properly respect any and everyone I’m asking for help like this. TMS for OCD is not covered by my insurance (blue cross blue shield from my mom), and you can see for yourself in the attached images how expensive it is without insurance

I’ve seen over 50 professionals (mom’s number) in outpatient care; mostly denying redirecting my case elsewhere due to it being “too complex/immediately severe” or “specialized”in either my depression/suicidality or for my eating disorder. Many psychiatrists also just didn’t know what else they could do as no pills (except vyvanse) or possible combination of them seemed to work for me. Even DNA testing for my most compatible drugs, it was still dead end after dead end, beating a dead horse to make it live again. Useless. I did have a handful of great doctors i saw enough to have real memories with. Many more professionals if you count impatient, residential, and in partial hospitalization programs too though.

While spravato is covered, the out of pocket per appointment we pay is 65$, and stillneeding that twice a week is $130 we simply do not have with gas, food, bills, etc, getting higher and higher, my wellbeing has become collateral damage. I’m currently fighting the government for SSI as financial support in an appeal, so that route is being covered too. I want to emphasize so much how I’d never be so audacious as to demand money from people, but I’m at the shameful point where there is no other way ahead of me and I need to go so bad. This treatment feels like it’d be the last piece for me to make real memories with other people and have a real chance life can be good.

Auvelity is the first drug to do something real to improve my condition, which was an extremely tender moment for me, who’d grown up to assume I was doing treatment despite nothing working so my parents could rest easy knowing they did what they could, but that some people just aren’t meant to live and how it’s cruel not to put a sick dog to bed. This was warmth on ice who’d never known the sun to say it existed. Even if that sounds embarrassing and cheesy, I really do sincerely mean it with everything. It broke my heart in a good way, it made me believe there’s a chance in treatment. It worked so well I was actually excited to get spravato, which had scared me before. That helped too, so much, but I was still left in horrible pain so much of the time, even if not every second of every day anymore, it was everyday to different degrees. I hit a plateau there, and put my faith in TMS for my depression. It worked so much better, but the newfound energy has gotten so tangled, clogged and screaming in death knots tied over and over by my ocd and has led to a new kind of much more alert, immediate, and active distress. I recognized it as my ocd, and thought how perfect it was for me that i knew what to do that I could have real hope in, TMS for my OCD. It feels like it could be the cure, the last piece I can finally admit I’ve been starving desperate for, to have a piece and find a home. But America really likes to paywall happiness and survival in our healthcare system so, I’m really fucking choked up and desperate to be seen.

This GoFundMe was not made lightly, it was made after weeks breaking down. Conciousness is simply too unbearable even still. Any basic tasks I struggle with, and any remotely complex task or slight responsibility feels impossible and takes days of steeling myself up just to write this Reddit post for instance. There are hundreds of abandoned paragraphs, and it’s getting so tangled even still. It’s extremely difficult trying to explain how severe my mental illness is without just straight up writing extremely graphic and triggering intent that may not be allowed here as im the parasite killing my body even as its host.

On a hopeful note to finish things up and just say times up (seriously, hundreds of abandoned paragraphs with thousands of words), making a post like this would’ve been impossible. I used to get a panic attack just looking at my phone (I associate it with people) and so anxious just knowing where it is just last year. Now I use my phone a relatively consistent amount and even try talking to others, and have been able to make a friend I can actually talk to and not worry. That alone is so precious.

I have so much hope this can change my life, and Im ignoring the deep guilt and pride required for me to ask something like this of anyone. So please, anyone, everyone I’m so eternally grateful for, please help me get this treatment. Just in anyway you feel comfortable with, sharing, reposting, donating, reading, liking—anything . I cherish anything and everything—just reading this, thankyou so much spending your time to understand me. I promise I’ll honor every last % of each penny given to me. Any consideration and attempt to help is absolute gold to me, I will cherish every drop of water in the pool I’m given for my entire life. Thankyou.
another link to my GoFundMe :)

Please peta clear me but also inform me if this is wrong. I think it’s so funny and cute and it makes me laugh so hard when they’re all dumb and walk towards me to try and grab the air, but I especially adore tormenting my Siamese Nimi like this because she gets ❌PISSED OFF❌ and actively tries to bite at the air. It’s so stupid. Prophetically estranged from all logic. Extra dimensionally speaking it is the funniest fucking thing ever and makes me love them so much it’s so cute. It is an age old joy I feel scream in my heart when I look think about or in anyway perceive these mfs. I fear my cuteness aggression is too strong sometimes.

Rage baiting them is so so sos so fun. It is the most intoxicating and satisfying thing in my life, And yet here I always worry my sadism is mean and not purely constructive and recreational. I strictly want to give them the best life ever and only ever want to bully them like Disney channel villains where it’s wierd vague cartoon-camp over coordinated nonsensical and gay as hell. Like minor inconveniences to see their reactions.

I never want to ever actually bother handle or harm them in a genuinely uncomfortable way. However, why are they so funny? Does anyone else ever feel like insane at how much you fucking adore the abysmal error of natural selection in front of you? Like no words are intense enough so I just start crashing out to myself like swearing analyzing appraising inspecting and insulting them in wierd voices as I look at them or hold them.

Like in general my affection aggression has me doing that too whenever I get emotional. Being so grateful I start spitting like “you motherfucker I’m going to love you so hard forever you don’t even know how joever your shit is the second I get a chance to love and appreciate but also still I wanna fuck with you in emotionally curated ways that are fun for us both still” Is that fucked up? Holy shit I’m so high I got off topic. Rat pics as reimbursement💀 okay I put a quarter in gimme more paragraphs

Anyway my point was like, I don’t think I’m crossing lines but rats and Nimi can’t speak. Nimi is a rat I don’t know why I distinguished like that. But like. Edibles are so powerful fukc. Anyway like I can’t ask them or truly know know if I’m like genuinely upsetting them in a way they don’t like? Like they arent squeaking, puffing up, tail rattling (oh my bod rattling is such a cute word here like if it can mean baby rats ill cry ruthlessly all at once), or anythung like that. But like… idk guys what do you think they think of me doing all this yk?

Im so nauseous i am high rn but i think about this a lot . Not having the ability to super ultra autism special specify every single emotional nuance with pets makes me paranoid im beijg toxic or abu sive sometiles. Like maybe thats dumb but on the off chance its most important i assure their mental physical and dmotional safety as their dear shepard.

Very good. Kiss rat. Extremely perfect. Ideal shape. Perfekt body. Mini criminals. Mincriminals. Peak of biology. Triangle Ball and string. Forgive them for plague. Europe needed to be humbled. Forgive them for having chew on everything all the time yes Thankyou philosophy. Rats are innocent and have never done nothing and if they did good that was awesome. I love them so much

https://gofund.me/e02ea5bd4

Hey, I've been living completely incapacitated and agonizingly for so long and putting any of that out here is kinda humiliating. But I just, I really need help. I'm trying to have the spine and bite that but asking for help for myself is infinitely more vulnerable and difficult because it's for me and not for something i really see as worthy.

I feel so beligerent and unforgivable taking this moment to speak but I'm so useless to other people the way I am right now and for the first time this past year, something, anything's worked, and made me feel like I can start to imagine a future one day. But financially things have deteriorated so much I can't afford anything and I'm still in so much pain.

Any and everything helps, liking, sharing, and please please please only donate if you are comfortable enough to. We all out here ruggin it to some degree, and I really just want everyone to be okay. I'm so infinitely grateful to everyone just reading this and every contribution is treasured🤍:)

PS 🤍Beautiful Mods🤍:

I know the date is incorrect, I meant and did post this on the day written, but I suxk ass using Reddit so just ended up posting it to my page T^T

You can check to see; I have really really severe self image issues I saved up three days to get the energy to do my makeup so I could post here, and kinda was so anxious from posting I couldn’t look at my phone for a few hours after so I didn’t realize 🙂‍↕️
It is really hard for me to take pictures of myself so please have mercy and forgive my mistake if you can please 🙏🙂‍↕️🥹;;

Edit*

I don’t know if I’m phrasing this well and don’t mean to downplay any potential wrongdoing of mine at all , but I sincerely can’t tell if or what I did wrong ?;;

Idk how regular downvoting is so I’d really love if someone could potentially explain why that’s happening / what’s wrong so I can understand and correct myself if you don’t mind and have a moment please?🤍I don’t want to negatively impact others so no pressure and love loves so much thankyou for readinggg :)🤍

https://gofund.me/e02ea5bd4

Hey, I've been living completely incapacitated and agonizingly for so long and putting any of that out here is kinda humiliating. But I just, I really need help. I'm trying to have the spine and bite that but asking for help for myself is infinitely more vulnerable and difficult because it's for me and not for something i really see as worthy.

I feel so beligerent and unforgivable taking this moment to speak but I'm so useless to other people the way I am right now and for the first time this past year, something, anything's worked, and made me feel like I can start to imagine a future one day. But financially things have deteriorated so much I can't afford anything and I'm still in so much pain.

Any and everything helps, liking, sharing, and please please please only donate if you are comfortable enough to. We all out here ruggin it to some degree, and I really just want everyone to be okay. I'm so infinitely grateful to everyone just reading this and every contribution is treasured🤍:)