u/DonauwelleMitSahne

Hi everyone, I'll jump right into it: see title; I blocked her because she is extremely emotionally unavailable. Towards the end all I felt was rage, such pure rage. Immediately after blocking, I bawled my eyes out and then felt this huge .. "my god. This was fucking overdue." I'm 36, I should have done this decades ago.
I'm obviously just starting to heal from it, my nervous system is going crazy working through this transition and I'm sick and exhausted and everything is just crazy.

Today, she sent me a letter. First thing I did, brought it up to my apartment, BUT once my brain started working again and I could think clearly, I didn't take it inside. My safe space is sacred and holy, my mother doesn't deserve access to it anymore. I left the letter under my doormat instead (take that!). Felt extremely anxious because it brought up a bunch of fears and grief, blablabla, had a massive cry into my pillow and screamed my lungs out. Decided that this fucking thing (the letter, not my lungs lol) was still too close to me, even under the dirty doormat. Took it back downstairs into my mailbox.

Then after a while and a bit of thinking, decided that I don't want to open the letter (of course I'm curious but also 99% sure it's hurtful bullshit. after 36 years, why would she suddenly change). I don't even want a friend to open it. I don't even wanna touch it! I held it with a tissue lol and wrote "back to sender" and went outside and shoved it in the nearest mailbox. Threw the tissue away. Then I spontaneously bought myself a postcard (I love collecting postcards) in bright colours, which I also love, that says "I am so so proud of you ❤️". This is a reward for myself.

Man. Fucking hell. I want her out of my life. She had a million chances and absolutely fucked up every single one.

I am at a point where I want absolutely ZERO to do with her. I want her gone, out of my life, I don't want to hear a single word, not a single breath, nothing. She deserves NOTHING more from me, not a bit of my energy. She violated my boundary, so she needs a hard reminder that I will NOT have ANY sort of communication. I will NOT hear a single word she has to say.

Even after I told her 1,5 months ago "I need distance indefinitely", she had the fucking NERVE to reply a couple days later "I can't handle your behaviour anymore. blablabla you haven't forgiven things that should have been forgiven a long time ago blablabla toxic bullshit and more toxic bullshit, I need distance. I'll see you sometime in the future." (talk about switching things around and now SHE is the one who needs distance from ME)

Up till the end, she is the victim, and I am the weak person here because I failed to forgive her toxic bullshit. Which she never took accountability for. Which she didn't even acknowledge that it even happened.
So of course, it's all my fault and I'm a horrible daughter for not just letting her off the hook lol man she pisses me off

Anyway, I guess I just need emotional support.. I need to hear that I did the right thing with the letter, that I'm not alone and that I'll be okay without my mother.

Of course I know all these things, but it's just so nice to get validation from people who understand, too... part of me, my inner child I guess, is still absolutely terrified of her hurting me again. Apart from all the anger and swearing, I'm feeling so vulnerable. I can't take another stab to the heart.

Thank you guys ❤️

Hi everyone, I'll jump right into it: see title; I blocked her because she is extremely emotionally unavailable. Towards the end all I felt was rage, such pure rage. Immediately after blocking, I bawled my eyes out and then felt this huge .. "my god. This was fucking overdue." I'm 36, I should have done this decades ago.
I'm obviously just starting to heal from it, my nervous system is going crazy working through this transition and I'm sick and exhausted and everything is just crazy.

Today, she sent me a letter. First thing I did, brought it up to my apartment, BUT once my brain started working again and I could think clearly, didn't take it inside, left it under my doormat instead (take that!). Felt extremely anxious because it brought up a bunch of fears and grief, blablabla, had a massive cry into my pillow and screamed my lungs out. Decided that this fucking thing (the letter, not my lungs lol) was still too close to me, even under the dirty doormat. Took it back downstairs into my mailbox.

Then decided that I don't want to open the letter (of course I'm curious but also 99% sure it's hurtful bullshit. after 36 years, why would she suddenly change). I don't even want a friend to open it. I don't even wanna touch it! I held it with a tissue lol and wrote "back to sender" and went outside and shoved it in the nearest mailbox. Threw the tissue away. Then I spontaneously bought myself a postcard (I love collecting postcards) in bright colours, which I also love, that says "I am so so proud of you ❤️". This is a reward for myself.

Man. Fucking hell. I want her out of my life. She had a million chances and absolutely fucked up every single one.

I am at a point where I want absolutely ZERO to do with her. I want her gone, out of my life, I don't want to hear a single word, not a single breath, nothing. She deserves NOTHING more from me, not a bit of my energy. She violated my boundary, so she needs a hard reminder that I will NOT have ANY sort of communication. I will NOT hear a single word she has to say.

Even after I told her 1,5 months ago "I need distance indefinitely", she had the fucking NERVE to reply a couple days later "I can't handle your behaviour anymore. blablabla you haven't forgiven things that should have been forgiven a long time ago blablabla toxic bullshit and more toxic bullshit, I need distance. I'll see you sometime in the future."

Up till the end, she was the victim, and I am the weak person here because I failed to forgive her toxic bullshit. Which she never took accountability for. Which she didn't even acknowledge that it even happened.
So of course, it's all my fault and I'm a horrible daughter for not just letting her off the hook lol man she pisses me off

Anyway, I guess I just need emotional support.. I need to hear that I did the right thing with the letter, that I'm not alone and that I'll be okay without my mother.

Of course I know all these things, but it's just so nice to get validation from people who understand, too... part of me, my inner child I guess, is still absolutely terrified of her hurting me again. I can't take another stab to the heart.

Thank you guys ❤️

Hi, so I'm apparently one of many adults going NC with their families.. I blocked my emotionally unavailable mother and brother 5 weeks ago.

I read so much about what happens to the nervous system after going NC, and how the body crashes after being in a toxic environment for decades and so on.. but I'm still shocked at the extent of the exhaustion! I got sick with a really bad cold two weeks ago (no surprise there at all) and have been bedridden for most of the time since then. Now my cold is almost completely gone, I'm just coughing a little and I'm a bit hoarse, too. But my body.. I just want to stay in bed all the time, I don't feel like doing anything at the moment.. my appetite hasn't been affected, luckily, but I really wonder how much longer I'll be this drained. I just went for a 30 minute walk and just want to lie down on the floor and do nothing (but if I do that I get so bored because I have ADHD and my brain can't fully relax haha, so stupid).
I also have muscle pain, the kind you get when you get sick with the flu (which I don't have). There is no freaking way I can go back to exercising anytime soon, if even a 30 minute walk kills me, haha. I've had these pains since going NC five weeks ago, so I know it's definitely related to this.

Mentally I'm doing okay, I think I must have done a lot of the grieving in the years leading up to blocking my family, so I don't feel too emotional. No regrets, no guilt whatsoever.
I also have a lot of experience with mindfulness and self compassion, which helps a ton. I've been doing a lot of inner child work as well.

But physically, oh man! My poor body and nervous system being all tired and confused..

I guess what I'd like to know is how long it took other people to get to a level where they could function again, at least to a level where they don't need to ask other people for help. And where they felt strong enough to exercise regularly. I don't want to run a marathon lol but going swimming or doing some light jogging every now and then would be so nice.

Thanks in advance ❤️