u/Dove_Birdy

I'm dealing with actual devastating-feeling (currently. Before I felt ok and confident. It is a big deal, though) upcoming events, current news, and pmdd making me panic and feel even more horror than ever! It's really tearing me apart. I can't calm down.

I'm really not ok right now, emotionally speaking. I'm physically safe, though.

I've been using the aa-intergroup.org online meetings lists. Shown up for a few, no one showed up. Used their direct zoom link + password. Since I know time zones can mess things up, I even tried to show up at the time listed for all 3 zones. Then emailed a few people and zero have emailed back.

Any online zoom AAs that are actually available? Any day of the week, except fri/sat, preferably? Afternoon or night. Anytime after 1pm pst. Please.

I didn't even know they did legally enforced sobriety. I have to get a scram breathalyzer tomorrow. I don't get the ankle one because of nerve damage making anything touching my legs or arms very painful.

I'm fighting my case as not the driver (conflicting evidence, but I really wasn't, they left the scene, I have memory loss otherwise/I know from others I didn't drive) and cant prove when I drank (no one saw the crash or can prove when I drank and i was in the back seat).

Will my next court case have it taken off? Will me drinking tonight hurt my appointment tomorrow/have it detected when they test me?

How long might I have it on? It's my pending second dui. I gotta do AA, too.

Of course I'm going to obey not drinking once it's on, but I wanna know all about it. What happens if I do? Is it seriously zero drinking at all, like they said? This is just crazy to me, I've never heard of alcohol blood monitoring 24:7.

I'm a major panicker and someone who needs things to happen and be perfectly ok NOW otherwise the sky is falling, during luteal. I can also get grouchy and upset over past issues and be over the top, as much as I learned to keep my mouth shut. Everything is x10-x100 and hurts and feels like I'll explode with that emotion, during most luteal phases.

Ashwagandha has done a lot to keep me chill this month. I also take chaste berry and some prebiotics. I think the combo has made it more survivable. Again, not perfect, still experience emotional symptoms, water weight and bloating, mental fog and fatigue, blood sugar, insomnia... the list goes on. But my days aren't as tragic as they typically are without it, and even then those symptoms are at least a little or a lot better (though the insomnia needs other help... like alcohol lol, not recommended, though). I've been so much calmer and happier and able to socialize (normally I suddenly get socially quiet and it's odd to some people, the sudden switch off and all) during this luteal phase.

Ashwagandha is an herbal supplement you can get at some grocery stores (seen it at Sprouts, Raleys, etc), or just on Amazon. I've tried a handful of brands and just went with the cheapest each time and it works fine for me.

I'm limited on supplies and can light candles in my house (I live with someone/a roommate/landlord who'll freak if she sees fire in her home, so I don't use it lately). I can secretly do a little, but I'd prefer not to.

So, I did a freezer spell on someone else's behalf and got someone away from them for a week or two, but now the person I froze is back in full swing. I'm also hearing now that people are misunderstanding freezer spells and that I may have actually frozen this person in their life, and should remove them from the freezer.

Also the bottle for the spell broke, but I am sure I just didn't give the water enough room to expand when freezing. Oops.

What spells are good for making sure two people never speak again/won't interact anymore?

I did a freezer spell that worked great, but now I feel like I also want something to, instead of freezing and/or getting rid of someone, I wanna pull someone else in and fix our relationship.

Woke up to roommate opening my package with something I need for medically related sexual purposes. Then he made fun of me and my voice for telling him that sucked and to please not do that. When I told him, I did so gently, since I'm not the type to lash out.

Someone who was straight up told very, very recently I can't use grinders (salts, seasoning) easily anymore and how upset I am that my hands either get locked on or super irritated and I remember how I was too weak in the hospital to use the one someone brought me from home to use on my food... got me a spice/salt grindr. (Car accident, nearly died, was fully paralyzed, needed neck/spinal cord infusion, couldnt walk for a while) I just said thank you, said it was cool, and moved on. Kind of sad I can't even use that due to my body being fucked up in various ways. I don't wanna be rude or ungrateful about a gift, so I'm not gonna bring it up. I just don't like thinking about it.

Decided to go out alone to eat because my friends wanna go fancy spots where I can't eat anything there. Anytime I said no, they suggested another spot. I suggested something and they'd say no. So I said I forgot I had family plans and cancelled. I have a lot of food restrictions, so there was literally **nothing** on the menu I could eat, I'd just be sitting there watching them, at *all* of their suggestions that they didn't wanna waver much for. Or allI can have is fries, which I usually always eat because there's nothing else. I'm not doing that for my own birthday, as much as I'd normally be perfectly happy to.

Went to my favorite sushi place and didn't realize they closed after lunch and reopened at 4. I ubered here and am waiting an hour for them to open since anywhere else I can eat (lots of food restrictions, I know I can eat here and want a bar with good beer and food I actually want and don't usually buy every time I go out). Anywhere else I can eat would close or this place would be open anyways by the time I arrive elsewhere. My hair is getting messed up in the wind and I plan to be out all night.

Had to push back my plans with my friend (who would come with me if he could get there sooner. We're just hitting another bar and will get late dinner later) who's coming to see me because of the sushi place and I haven't eaten anything yet because I was excited for sushi and beer.

...and I'm having pmdd amplifying how bad this feels and also adding its own layer of the typical pmdd sads on top or it all, probably making it all more dramatic than it is (I know I'd typically brush this all off and not care).

Though I will say most of the people in my life don't care. 2 other people with a birthday stacked on top of mine are getting a party that the party thrower knows they won't even be there for 90% of due to a concert they're going to. They didn't even text me happy birthday.

Edit: I was alone my whole birthday and no one either cared or came to see me like they said they would.

I feel like things I think "I wish this would happen. Seems it never will. Oh well." Tend to come my way. But spending weeks or months believing something will work out and come my way haven't worked. I just realized this yesterday, making me stop to think about time. I know we're not supposed to think much of time/having it or not, but yesterday's realizations after a pretty big manifestation made it hit me and did somewhat force me to think more about it. I know to "just decide," but just deciding with believing I already have it hasn't really done anything vs me just wishing things I don't think will happen anytime soon happening.

So, really, I'm just taking a look at how this might be a thing. I'm sure my other things will come, but it's been quite a while and yet my "wishes" I didn't even believe in came pretty fast, for what they were.