u/DownAndLoosingTime

Unfortunately it’s going unsent, but I wish it wouldn’t have to.

I’m sorry. I really wanted to understand you. I also wanted to be understood.

I’ve thought about this for a bit because I think we’re more alike than we realize, or want to admit. Read this in first person and see if any of it feels familiar. I know it does to me.

When we discussed our concerns, it often felt like we were going in circles. I felt like what I was saying wasn’t fully landing, and the feelings behind my concerns weren’t being understood. Sometimes we’d end up talking about a different hurt altogether, and I’d leave feeling like the original issue never got resolved. At the same time, I imagine you may have felt something similar from your side.

In other occasions, I felt like something I said was taken differently than I intended, or interpreted through the worst possible lens. It felt like my intentions had already been decided before I had the chance to explain them. When I tried to clear up a misunderstanding because I cared, it could come across as me justifying myself instead of trying to be understood. It often felt like I either apologized immediately or risked being seen as dismissive of your feelings. One way or another, one of us was likely leaving the conversation feeling like our feelings weren’t important.

It was a cycle we could fall into that slowly created resentment and feelings of abandonment. We both wanted our feelings to be understood. At the same time, we both felt like we were always the understanding one, the empathetic one, the caring one, the one creating excuses for the other person’s behavior. We each saw the grace we gave and wished we received the same in return.

When it came time for me to need that grace and understanding, I often felt judged and misunderstood. And I think when it came time for you to need that same grace and understanding, you probably felt judged and misunderstood too. It felt unfair, like only the other person deserved understanding while our own hurt was being overlooked.

It’s called a proximity blind spot, or a mirroring conflict.

It happens when two people are so focused on their own version of a need that they cannot see the other person is starving for the exact same thing.

Unfortunately it’s going unsent, but I wish it wouldn’t have to.

I’m sorry. I really wanted to understand you. I also wanted to be understood.

I’ve thought about this for a bit because I think we’re more alike than we realize, or want to admit. Read this in first person and see if any of it feels familiar. I know it does to me.

When we discussed our concerns, it often felt like we were going in circles. I felt like what I was saying wasn’t fully landing, and the feelings behind my concerns weren’t being understood. Sometimes we’d end up talking about a different hurt altogether, and I’d leave feeling like the original issue never got resolved. At the same time, I imagine you may have felt something similar from your side.

In other occasions, I felt like something I said was taken differently than I intended, or interpreted through the worst possible lens. It felt like my intentions had already been decided before I had the chance to explain them. When I tried to clear up a misunderstanding because I cared, it could come across as me justifying myself instead of trying to be understood. It often felt like I either apologized immediately or risked being seen as dismissive of your feelings. One way or another, one of us was likely leaving the conversation feeling like our feelings weren’t important.

It was a cycle we could fall into that slowly created resentment and feelings of abandonment. We both wanted our feelings to be understood. At the same time, we both felt like we were always the understanding one, the empathetic one, the caring one, the one creating excuses for the other person’s behavior. We each saw the grace we gave and wished we received the same in return.

When it came time for me to need that grace and understanding, I often felt judged and misunderstood. And I think when it came time for you to need that same grace and understanding, you probably felt judged and misunderstood too. It felt unfair, like only the other person deserved understanding while our own hurt was being overlooked.

It’s called a proximity blind spot, or a mirroring conflict.

It happens when two people are so focused on their own version of a need that they cannot see the other person is starving for the exact same thing.

After the break up. I did’t take it well.

I was looking to make sense of it all. I went trough the whole grief cycle, well maybe not all of it yet. I think I’m still in the acceptance phase.

The first two phases were rough, Denial and Anger. I really thought you were the worst person on the face of the earth. Every possible scenario went through my head and for a moment I believed every single one.

I’m sorry finding a way to break NC to accuse you of being the worst person alive.

You’re not, you’re a wonderful woman and beautiful inside and out. I have a lot of lovely memories with you. You helped me grow in multiple areas of my life.

I still feel like the way things ended wasn’t deserving. That doesn’t take away from the good times we had together or negate them, both can be true.

I do miss you and wish that we would have worked out. I still think we can. If not now, then maybe if we meet again in the future.

I’ve got to throw that out into the universe. You taught me about manifestation so it has to work.

See your smile.

Hear our laugh.

Feel Your energy.

Be in Your presence.

Experience Your love.

Be with You.

Grow with you.

Learn with you.

Win with you.

Understand you.

Know you better.

All of you.

Everything good and bad.

Love you.

I wish we could give it another shot.

I wish you'd reach out to tell me you feel the same way.

Even if you don't, the door is still open if you need it.

You’re upset at how I reacted to the way you approached the breakup. You gave me a vague reason for ending the relationship and then blocked me. We had a good relationship, and I genuinely thought we were mature enough to have an amicable breakup.

You say I lied to you. About what? I didn’t even get a chance to understand why you decided to end things.
It seemed like you did everything possible except talk to me about it. I was the only one who apparently wasn’t worth that conversation. There were posts on your Instagram, posts here, and who knows what on your other accounts since I’m blocked. I was left to assume and question myself. It’s only natural that I’d be upset.

I questioned the entire relationship. My mind ran through every possible scenario. I tried reaching out because I wanted closure, but you made it clear that you owed me nothing. Then you said I was accusing you of things I had done myself and that I was lying to blame you for the breakup. You said I was manipulating the narrative.

Please, I didn’t even know the narrative to begin with. I was trying to understand what the hell happened. The thing is, you couldn’t even tell me that directly either, you posted about it instead.

My conscience is clean. I was loyal. I treated you like a queen. I was never physically or verbally abusive. I wasn’t insecure in the relationship. I trusted you. I never questioned you or accused you of cheating.
I wasn’t the "crazy boyfriend" checking your phone, texts, calls, emails, or anything else without your knowledge. You did that. You asked for reassurance when you felt insecure, and I understood and provided it. You went through my phone without my consent, and I didn’t make an issue of it because I had nothing to hide. Even then, it never crossed my mind to search through your phone.

You accused me of being DL and cheating on you with a GUY?!? when there was no evidence and nothing that would have reasonably pointed to that. All you had to go with in that was gay men hitting on me “often”. You said it yourself, you were in your head a lot and that lead to insecurities but damn.

I was open with you about everything from the beginning. You’re the one who lied to me about your previous relationship. I caught you in that lie, and I’m not sure you would have come clean otherwise. It should have been a dealbreaker for me but I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I’m done making excuses for you.

I am not the villain you have made me out to be. This situation did not happen because I asked questions or because I wanted answers. It happened because of the way you chose to handle the end of our relationship. Your lack of communication, your avoidance of accountability, and the way you chose to end things are what created this mess.

And don’t worry I would never talk badly about you to anyone. You can keep presenting the version of events that makes you look good and protects your image. Keep believing everyone buys it.

I don’t need to convince any one of who I am and couldn’t care less what your people think about me. They’re fake anyways, they don’t buy your lies but pretend to keep appearances. The people who know me know my character, and my conscience is clear.

I’ve been having episodes for a long time, I can’t actually remember when they started but it’s way over 10 years.

I’m having an episode tonight, I just know it. I can’t exactly explain but it’s like your anxious or restless and I can feel it all over my body.

Reddit says this might violate rule #2, in not trying to claim anything related to what rulen2 mentions.

I’ve never had any visions, paranormal activity or anything of the sort happen to me when I have episodes. However, knowing that I’m having an episode does make me more anxious.

Wondering if anyone else can tell when it’s going to happen ?

Fuck you too, respectfully.