Just realized I've been emotionally neglected
My parents were never mature enough to have children. All they ever cared about was themselves and their own problems, and they never stepped out of their comfort zone for us. It felt like they were part of the “children” themselves — helpless and miserable — and if something was difficult for them, then don’t expect them to overcome it for your sake, because they were so “pitiful” themselves.
(For example, when I was 5 years old I went to treatment for coordination problems, and the treatments stopped because “she forgot to come.” She constantly blamed me for not reminding her, and only today do I realize I was fucking 5 years old.)
My father doesn’t deal with any problem in the house. He severely neglects himself hygienically, and if something breaks he does nothing and expects me to take care of it, as if I raised him.
He never talks to us about “real” things and feels completely emotionally disconnected, like he never actually thinks about us. He’s not interested in what’s happening with me, what I want, what my ambitions are — only technical yes-or-no type questions.
When I went through social abuse in the institution I studied in, they were completely unaware of anything. And it’s not like I hid it — I desperately wanted to tell someone, for someone to care about me. But when I talked to my father, he would only talk to me about politics and neighbor-type conversations, and never once cared about what was happening to me.
My mother herself was extremely paranoid and mentally unstable. She had many superstitious beliefs and slept on a sheet on the floor. She refused to use my father’s money because he was supposedly “a sorcerer,” and we grew up wearing clothes that were several sizes too small because nobody bothered to buy us proper things.
She would listen to my problems, give emotional support, and be very supportive — but if something emotionally triggered her fears even a little, she would become a controlling person who suddenly cared about nothing else and would burn everything down for her fears.
(To the point where she ran away from home, cut contact, and went to live alone — after my sister spent years trying to help her, and after she promised my sister she would go to therapy. My sister dropped out of high school because of her, and then she simply abandoned her. Just like that.)
I feel like I grew up without parents. I became very independent, but I have no figure in my life I can turn to for emotional support, guidance, or even to teach me basic things like hygiene and what you’re even supposed to do in life. As a child I could wear the same clothes for two weeks straight simply because nobody was willing to deal with my hygiene.
It’s a fucked-up reality where I feel like there’s nowhere to run and no person who truly took care of me. I raised myself.
I’m 19 years old and I feel like I have to live completely alone, without any figure to guide me.