u/DreamySandman77518

Long story short, but my I've been "best friends" with this girl since high school. We'll call her E. We have a lot in common, but over the years she has repeatedly shown me she's not a great friend.

Two years into our friendship, a mutual guy friend SAed me. She took his side for most of it, and only reached out to me after the dust had settled because she "missed me." The whole thing left me very broken and I wanted to salvage SOMETHING from it, so I mended the friendship. I still had to hear about him all the time because they remained friends. She even went to his wedding and posted the whole evening on her story. She's told me how great his wife is several times. This experience has lingered in the back of our friendship (for me) for years.

We have this cycle where we'll be doing okay, then she'll do something completely selfish, or controlling, or she'll cross a boundary that I've put up, but when I try to talk to her about it she freaks out and apologizes and says she'll be better. I've been feeling this way for years but every time I try to talk to her about it, she doesn't really listen.

Last year, after she crossed a pretty firm boundary, I tried to take a break from the friendship. She completely spiraled and told me all of the things that were wrong with her life and that I was "her person" and that I essentially couldn't not be her friend. After a two week cool off period, we met for dinner and I brought up some of the issues I had been having for a while. I felt like she didn't take the conversation seriously. Since then she's crossed that same boundary at least twice.

She's also gotten super weird and controlling. A few months ago at a group hangout, a mutual friend of ours told a funny story about how she was near my job and checked my location to see if I was there because I had shared it with her while we were trying to meet up at a music festival. E got SUPER upset because I've never shared my location with her. I just...don't want to. For good reason, because on the way home the demanded I share my location with her because "you're my best friend. I should have it." I still am incredibly uncomfortable that she has my location. A month later, we went to another friend's wedding together and she got really drunk, leaned over to me, and said "You know you're never getting rid of me, right?"

I've also just have been noticing that we're just growing into two different people, and I'm not really sure I like who she's becoming. I've gotten to the point where I've started to really resent her for small things. Things that maybe wouldn't matter so much if the big things were dealt with.

I've been known to cut people off for less than this. To be fair, those people deserved it. However because we've been friends for so long, I feel like it would be a REALLY shitty thing for me to do. I have kind of positioned myself so I can do it. For the first time in a while, I don't have any concrete plans with her. We're not in any friend groups where it's gonna be awkward or drama filled. I just feel like I don't have the energy, or really the will, to sit down and have a conversation with her. I still feel an immense amount of guilt, though. I wouldn't want someone to do this to me. Then again, I would have done 3/4ths of the stuff she's done to me.

tl;dr: I want to ghost my my best friend of 10 years after 10 years of her being a shitty friend to me. I feel like it's the right move for me but I feel really shitty and guilty about doing it. I don't think a sit down conversation or even a text is an option for me because she doesn't listen.

When I was 23, I was SAed by a guy in the fraternity that I hung out with a lot. Long story short, it became this VERY messy ordeal where I decided to take him to "college court" and they did an entire investigation. The investigation proved that he had done what he did to me to several women. The suspended him, but by the time everything was over, he had graduated and essentially got off scott free.

My best friend also hung out with this fraternity and was VERY involved with all of the guys. She was dating one of them and her whole identity was kinda wrapped in hanging out with them. When all of this came down, it ruined the reputation that our sorority had with the fraternity. That REALLY pissed her off. She cut me off and we stopped being friends, and when it came time for the "trial" she ended up showing up to defend HIS character and not mine.

The entire thing left me very broken. There are parts of me that still are not healed. I was also in an abusive relationship at the time and he threw the assault in my face CONSTANTLY. I lost almost all of my friends that I had made at school. It was incredibly traumatic to have this horrible night that I wanted to forget on display for all of greek life to discuss. So, when everything was said and done, I got an email from my best friend kind of apologizing for everything and saying that she wanted to be friends again. I had a couple of people read the letter and they said it didn't seem like a real apology, but I wanted to heal SOMETHING from that ordeal so bad that I forgave her.

Over the last decade, she's proven to me time and time again that she hasn't really changed. She continued to hang out with the guy who did this to me, and posted him all over her snapchat/IG story when they would hang out together. When I would call her out, she could freak out and apologize and call herself a bad friend, but then she kept doing it. She posted his wedding invitation on her story, went to his wedding, and then proceeded to tell me SEVERAL time how cool his wife was. She would tell me all the time that "that experience really changed him" and that "he's a better person now." I finally stopped hearing about him when she broke up with her boyfriend.

For the last 3-4 years, she's just been irritating me. I am constantly reminded that I am last on her priority list and her self centered personality has really started to rub me the wrong way. I feel like shit because I feel like a bad friend, but whenever I hang out with her I become so drained and depressed due to little things. Small things like taking a selfie together and putting a filter over her own face while leaving me looking blurry and tired. It seems like nothing, but when you have 10 years of feeling like your relationship is off, it feels like just another stab wound. Last year, during a scuff where I felt disrespected, I brought up my feelings about the assault and how sometimes it feels unresolved because of the way she continues to act. She had pretty much no reaction and hit me with a "sorry you feel that way" type of response.

Over the last year, something else has become a larger problem. She has an older sister who is absolutely insane. They are VERY close, but she is toxic and volatile. After many years of hearing about the things her sister would say about me behind my back, and just the general behavior of this woman who I didn't really have any interest in knowing anyway, I decided to cut off any communication with her and told my friend I am no longer interested in talking to her, knowing her, or hearing about her. It is a hard boundary that I have drawn, that she has crossed time and time again. Last week when we hung out for about four hours, she spoke to her sister on the phone FOUR TIMES, on speaker. Even wanted to see if her sister wanted to meet up with us and gave her sister the power to say no because I was with her. I was so taken aback by the sheer amount of times I had to hear about hear about her sister in this 4 hour window. I haven't spoken to her since even though she's texted me a few times.

Ever since we hung out, I keep thinking about how similar this thing with her sister is to her being friends with my assaulter. I know it's her sister and the roles are different, but it's like she doesn't understand the concept of a boundary. I don't want to hear about the people who have hurt me, or who I have decided I longer want to give my energy to. I've just realized that in 10 years, she hasn't changed a bit. She never will. I don't know how to tell her that I think this relationship is probably over. I don't forgive her for choosing my assaulter over me, because in the important moments when I need her to choose me, she never does. Hasn't for 10 years.

tl;dr: Best friend of over 12 years took my SAers side in college, and has continued to prove that she doesn't understand the concept of a boundary. I do not want to be friends anymore but I do not know how to proceed.

When I was 23, I was SAed by a guy in the fraternity that I hung out with a lot. Long story short, it became this VERY messy ordeal where I decided to take him to "college court" and they did an entire investigation. The investigation proved that he had done what he did to me to several women. The suspended him, but by the time everything was over, he had graduated and essentially got off scott free.

My best friend also hung out with this fraternity and was VERY involved with all of the guys. She was dating one of them and her whole identity was kinda wrapped in hanging out with them. When all of this came down, it ruined the reputation that our sorority had with the fraternity. That REALLY pissed her off. She cut me off and we stopped being friends, and when it came time for the "trial" she ended up showing up to defend HIS character and not mine.

The entire thing left me very broken. There are parts of me that still are not healed. I was also in an abusive relationship at the time and he threw the assault in my face CONSTANTLY. I lost almost all of my friends that I had made at school. It was incredibly traumatic to have this horrible night that I wanted to forget on display for all of greek life to discuss. So, when everything was said and done, I got an email from my best friend kind of apologizing for everything and saying that she wanted to be friends again. I had a couple of people read the letter and they said it didn't seem like a real apology, but I wanted to heal SOMETHING from that ordeal so bad that I forgave her.

Over the last decade, she's proven to me time and time again that she hasn't really changed. She continued to hang out with the guy who did this to me, and posted him all over her snapchat/IG story when they would hang out together. When I would call her out, she could freak out and apologize and call herself a bad friend, but then she kept doing it. She posted his wedding invitation on her story, went to his wedding, and then proceeded to tell me SEVERAL time how cool his wife was. She would tell me all the time that "that experience really changed him" and that "he's a better person now." I finally stopped hearing about him when she broke up with her boyfriend.

For the last 3-4 years, she's just been irritating me. I am constantly reminded that I am last on her priority list and her self centered personality has really started to rub me the wrong way. I feel like shit because I feel like a bad friend, but whenever I hang out with her I become so drained and depressed due to little things. Small things like taking a selfie together and putting a filter over her own face while leaving me looking blurry and tired. It seems like nothing, but when you have 10 years of feeling like your relationship is off, it feels like just another stab wound. Last year, during a scuff where I felt disrespected, I brought up my feelings about the assault and how sometimes it feels unresolved because of the way she continues to act. She had pretty much no reaction and hit me with a "sorry you feel that way" type of response.

Over the last year, something else has become a larger problem. She has an older sister who is absolutely insane. They are VERY close, but she is toxic and volatile. After many years of hearing about the things her sister would say about me behind my back, and just the general behavior of this woman who I didn't really have any interest in knowing anyway, I decided to cut off any communication with her and told my friend I am no longer interested in talking to her, knowing her, or hearing about her. It is a hard boundary that I have drawn, that she has crossed time and time again. Last week when we hung out for about four hours, she spoke to her sister on the phone FOUR TIMES, on speaker. Even wanted to see if her sister wanted to meet up with us and gave her sister the power to say no because I was with her. I was so taken aback by the sheer amount of times I had to hear about hear about her sister in this 4 hour window. I haven't spoken to her since even though she's texted me a few times.

Ever since we hung out, I keep thinking about how similar this thing with her sister is to her being friends with my assaulter. I know it's her sister and the roles are different, but it's like she doesn't understand the concept of a boundary. I don't want to hear about the people who have hurt me, or who I have decided I longer want to give my energy to. I've just realized that in 10 years, she hasn't changed a bit. She never will. I don't know how to tell her that I think this relationship is probably over. I don't forgive her for choosing my assaulter over me, because in the important moments when I need her to choose me, she never does. Hasn't for 10 years.

tl;dr: Best friend of over 12 years took my SAers side in college, and has continued to prove that she doesn't understand the concept of a boundary. I do not want to be friends anymore but I do not know how to proceed.

Long story short, I've been really good friends with a girl for about 8 years. She would consider us best friends, but I started taking a step back from her a few years ago.

She has done several things over the course of our friendship that has really made me question our friendship. She took the side of the guy who SAed me in HS, and only "apologized" after everything was over because she missed me. She constantly makes me feel like my boundaries aren't as important as others. She's insecure and yet very self absorbed, which can make her do and say ridiculous things in public that are either hurtful or embarrassing, and I overall feel like she's not a reliable or safe person for me.

On my side, we're very surface level friends. We have a lot in common so we talk about interests, politics, and pop culture, but if I need to talk about anything deep, she is not the person I go to. However, I've had to drop everything several times even in the last year to help her through crisis after crisis. I give so much to her when she needs me but I end up being very disappointed if I open up to her about anything.

Whenever I try to open up to her about things that bother me, she freaks out and starts telling me all the things that is wrong with her life and why she's so miserable and that I'm her best friend. So I stay, and then she just does the exact same things that I asked her not to do. That has led to me bottling up a lot of feelings and holding a lot of resentment. I've come to realize in the last few months that I have a lot of unresolved feelings from when she has hurt me in the past (when she took my SAer's side) and every time she does something hurtful, all the wounds open up. She doesn't do these things maliciously. She is the product of her environment (narcissistic, emotionally manipulative dad and older brother) However, I don't have the energy for it anymore.

We hung out a few days ago and she did a couple things while we were together that just made me realize I'm kinda done with the friendship. Every time I hang out with her I end up feeling bad about myself in some kind of way. That could just be me and my insecurities, but she says and does things to make me feel this way. I spent my days off really depressed after I hung out with her, but she has been texting me with little tidbits as if absolutely nothing is wrong (very self absorbed and lacks self awareness) I haven't been responding, because I've been honestly going through a lot and I don't have the mental capacity to fake it with her rn, but I also feel shitty for leaving her on read. We also have tickets to the county fair together in a few weeks so I can't blow everything up right now. I'm really not sure what to do.