u/Drink_Decision_Gal

life has been chaotic on my side lately. work piling up, social obligations, endless responsibilities, too many sleepless nights

and somehow, in the middle of it all, you’ve become the place my mind escapes to. every time I feel stretched too thin, I think of you, and everything softens for a moment

the thought of what has been, and what still could be, keeps me moving. for a long time it felt almost dangerous to hold onto, like comforting myself with something that might eventually hurt me more than heal me. but lately, with all the signs that this is no longer just a fantasy, it’s started to feel different. now it gives me purpose

though when I let myself think too far ahead, it becomes terrifying in its own way. because if I let you into my life exactly as it is now, what if all this chaos ends up swallowing us whole? what if I lose you in it?

scary thought, right? but somehow not as frightening as the realization that follows it.. so what?

for the first time in a long time, I’m no longer afraid to try. scared, yes. but willing

and maybe.. maybe you’re a creature of chaos too

why do I pause? for the same reasons that you do. because I question if it’s truly real, if something truly happened, if my delusions are somehow becoming reality

why do I send silent signals? for the same reasons that you do. because I question if something too loud will break it, if something too honest will scare it away, if saying it openly could somehow mean less than what is quietly shared

why do I continue obsessing over this? for the same reasons that you do. because…

because we no longer question the connection, we only question how to reach for it

and I’m here to say that we are doing great. I don’t mind writing here until the moment I can finally show this to you instead

because at the end of the day, everything I do somehow leads back to you. at least for a while now

and even if I hate change, this is the one change I would choose over every familiar routine. with you, I love the unknown, because somehow it already feels remembered. like a path we’ve walked before, many times, across many lives, again and again

who am I? that’s the question that comes up every time I interact with you. you bring out something unfamiliar in me, something I don’t recognise, something I can’t fully name

I freeze. I stutter. I fluster. I feel like I’m on the edge of a heart attack or complete failure. I was never like this. I was straightforward, confident, flirtatious. I was never scared. I was never too invested. I was never conscious enough…

…enough to see the value of my pursuit. so don’t get this wrong. you shook me. maybe not only you, but everything that surrounds you. and somehow, only in the most positive way possible

it feels like I’m approaching something so valuable that I would rather wait than rush, rather observe than touch. something that makes me want to finally change parts of myself, just to feel deserving of you

you’re my catalyst. without even knowing it, you stir my world every second of it

and I feel like I do the same to you. I notice everything because I notice you. how your gaze became intentional, how your pauses say more than words, how you mirror me, how you handle me too, as if I’m something of extreme value

I’m here to let you know that however you can, want, or need to… you can handle me. this is my permission sent into the void before I ever say it to you directly. even if it breaks me at some point. because I know you are crucial in my life. you are the piece that was always missing, and now I’m living in the slow suspense of it finally being placed down

are you too?

I was overthinking coming back and facing the possibility of us taking several steps backward. I was scared of having to begin that progress all over again. don’t get me wrong, I’d do it every single time if that was our story, simply because it’s you. giving up has never existed in my vocabulary when it comes to you.

so imagine my surprise when I realized everything was exactly where we left it. maybe even a few inches ahead of it. caught me completely off guard, since when is fate this gentle?

I can’t even explain the feelings you bring out in me. the calmness mixed with anxiety. the physical craving mixed with the need to truly know you. your soothing voice somehow making me more aware of every word you say. your gaze making me want to drown in it while still needing to come up for air just to keep going.

once again, I can’t believe you are in my life. I can’t believe this slow burn I both hate and long for so deeply.

everything you touch, every place you exist in, everything surrounding you, even the thoughts of you, have become my new home, the only place I truly want to exist within. thank you for no longer making me question whether I belong there. I hope you feel welcome in that space too.

I know there might still be awkwardness, hesitation, uncertainty. but I think we both silently accepted that those are the costs of something this real. and maybe the universe appreciated that enough to finally let this happen.

you are my dream, a constant one. the one that greets me at night and carries me through my days.

I still can’t say any of this to you directly, so instead I hope you somehow find your way here and understand that you are… priceless. I’d trade anything for you to see yourself the way I do, in a space like this. and if you can’t see it on your own, then trust me, I’ll bring you here eventually. I’m sure of it now. because this space was created entirely because of you. you inspired it into existence. so if it already belongs to you, why should I keep guarding it?

still, a part of me hopes the universe stretches her kindness just a little further and lets you stumble onto this on your own. how beautiful would that be?

and yes, I was there. not out of convenience, not out of habit, but simply because I knew I would see you. the moment I realized that, every obstacle disappeared just like that.

it took one moment for my life to change

one decision that shifted my path, one glance that made me notice you, one innocent interaction that etched itself into my memory

it was never a choice, never a dream, never something I thought I could expect

but when our eyes met, I understood that everything had already been set in motion. I had spent so long looking at every other possibility that I failed to notice the quiet plan the universe had been laying out for me all along

I didn’t realize how perfectly things were falling into place for my wishes to come true. and now that I finally see it, I feel suspended in the moments right before it happens

I tried to dismiss it as delusion, as limerence. I questioned every moment, every feeling, every sign. yet every time I doubted it, I was met with another step forward

you occupy all of my moments without even being present. the happy ones, the painful ones, the mundane ones. for a while now, you have existed at the center of my life in a way I cannot ignore

so when I see you again, I know I’ll meet you with clarity, precision, and intention

maybe not that day, but soon, I’ll invite you into this space. I’ll let you see everything you awakened inside me over these past months

I will keep building this space like a monument to you. why? because I don’t have the resources to build a real one. but you deserve the world, and I want to give you every version of it that I can

and when I face you again, I know I’ll feel free for a second. shaken, anxious, mesmerized, but more alive than I have been in a very long time

I can’t wait to come back in a few days and see you again. because I know the next time won’t feel the way it did before, and that’s the beautiful part of it. things are already moving. we set them in motion together

I thought distance would make this easier. I thought filling my days, keeping busy, would quiet something in me. I was wrong. you slip into every pause, every breath, every passing thought

maybe the distance would have been easier if nothing had changed at all, or if everything had changed completely. instead, I’m left suspended somewhere in between. close enough to feel it, far enough to wait for it

and now I know that when I stand in front of you again, there will be no stepping backward. the fantasy I kept building in my head is suddenly only days away from becoming real. sometimes I think that if I had been just a little braver before leaving, I wouldn’t be writing this here now. I would have sent it straight to you

time feels strange lately. like it keeps moving and standing still at once. maybe because my mind is no longer fully mine. most of it belongs to you now

do you miss me too? are you fighting these quiet battles inside yourself the way I am? I think you are. or maybe I simply hope so

and I also hope that one day we’ll stop fighting them altogether, that we’ll soften them in a quiet embrace, where everything finally goes still for a moment. and maybe that moment, too, will feel like eternity

see you soon, though even a few days somehow feel endless ❤️

my fucking nerves. in 30 minutes, I’m approaching you. let’s see where this takes us. I just hope the cards are on my side, or maybe… ours

for the longest time, I thought about you from the perspective of “if.” if you noticed me, if you felt this connection, if you were attracted to me.

but this past week, I’ve started thinking about you from the perspective of “why.” Why do you notice me, why do you feel this connection, why are you attracted to me?

your actions changed the question. and that’s a completely different kind of problem.

I would love to ask why you don’t support your actions with words, but I think I already know the answer.

as time has shown, you are a perfect reflection of me. I’m just a few seconds ahead, that’s why I’m the one standing here with all the questions while you’re still somewhere behind, catching up to them.

I used to hope that when you finally did, we would meet face to face. but because you mirror me so precisely, I understand now why I would choose this differently.

so if I had one wish, I think I would wish for you to find me here.

a neutral space, just a few inches away from reality, where we could place down our baggage, fears, hopes, and all the obstacles standing between us. a space where both of us could choose to step closer or walk away before bringing any of it into the real world and having to truly face it.

a place where all the “whys” could finally close, and the “hows” could begin.

it’s a silly wish, I know.

but maybe it’s just the wish of someone who always wanted to occupy another person’s mind so deeply that they would eventually end up in a place like this too.

see you tomorrow, my favourite and most persistent dilemma 🤍

I really want to get to know you. I know it probably doesn’t look like it from the outside, but I am trying. Really trying. In the only way I know how.

I used to think I was brave. Maybe I still am. But around you, I tremble. Not poetically, literally. My hands shake, my voice cracks. What the hell are you doing to me?

And Jesus (the one I don’t even believe in) the way you looked at me the other day. We both froze. Not for a second. For several. And “froze” isn’t even the right word. It was like movement itself stopped halfway through. Like two statues caught mid-action. I still don’t understand how two people can pause each other like that.

And yes, I notice everything. The way your eyes lock on me when I walk in. The way you suddenly need to take a sip, or step away for a second just to center yourself. The way you keep looking until I’m completely out of sight.

The worst part is that I know I could be more direct. But then my brain ruins it by convincing me you’re watching me like a threat circling you. Which is ridiculous, considering this “threat” mostly says hi, jokes around sometimes, and somehow manages to make you laugh.

I learned to watch people early. To study moods, reactions, shifts. To know when it was safe to exist without getting in trouble for it. I guess that kind of hyper-awareness never really leaves you.

So why am I like this with you? Is it because every time you look at me, I feel exposed in a way I can’t control? Like you can see the parts of me I usually hide? Or is it because I’m being dishonest, hiding my feelings to you while constantly revealing them here at the same time? Or maybe I’m just trying to explain why neither of us fully crosses some made up line.

Still, this past week felt different. More obvious. More honest. Not in words (ha, both of us are terrible at words), but in everything else. You’re getting more comfortable. More upfront. I can see it even when you try to hide it.

Don’t lose that. I want to move this forward. I’ll meet you halfway every single time. You already know that. Maybe we just need to stop taking such careful little steps.

And I know the difference between us. I know I’m not the one who could lose everything here. You’re the one with something at stake. I can move freely. You can’t. Maybe part of me is waiting to see if you’d ever risk something just to get to know me.

And honestly, I’m glad I didn’t see you today. I worked sixteen hours straight on my day off just to avoid sitting with the fact that you weren’t there. Because if you weren’t, then what was even the point of this day? So I made it disappear faster. Which is kind of fucked up, isn’t it? Punishing myself over a crush and somehow turning it into productivity.

is this for me, or is this how I would like my person to interpret me?

is this for me, or is this just relatable enough to give me something to hold onto and fill in the rest myself?

is this for me, or is this what I’m most afraid the other person thinks about our situation?

is this for me, or just similar enough to guide them or push them in the direction I would want?

is this.. or isn’t it? most probably it isn’t. not reality, but the very small chance of that being it. maybe I just refuse to let this be my story.

I don’t want to end up with a mutual log of unsent thoughts. I want to be approached with them. I don’t want to stumble upon you, I want to be met by you. I don’t want backstory or the other side of things in the middle of the night listed here. I want to face them head on, a few inches from you.

so I will stay in my bubble. and even if I see a sign of you, I will refuse it. because this is not our story. I don’t accept it.

we meet it as uncomfortable and vulnerable as it might be, but we meet it face to face.

I feel like I’m ready, are you?

I want you to come into my life and feel like salvation. Not to save me, but to meet me in a place where I’ve already let everything fall apart. I want to carry that same openness into us as I do here, the kind that has no defenses left.

I want you to want me. Not blindly, not by default, but slowly, honestly. I want you to see me fully, and still choose me. To question me, to doubt at times, to grow into love, not arrive with it already given.

I want you to stay away from me. Not distant, not gone, just whole on your own. Living a life untouched by the weight I carry. With people who are certain, grounded, uncomplicated. I want the best for you. And I’m afraid that I might not be it.

And still… I want you. All of you, and none of you at the same time. I want to fall deeper into this, and also be free from it.

I want the war inside me to finally quiet, to rest, just for a moment. To be in your presence. With tears in my eyes, scars on my body, and pieces of me missing. Being in your arms, and everything that feels empty becoming something held.

I want you in the way I know I can’t have you. Maybe I want you to be my salvation. Or maybe… I just want you.

So please, just be you. Someone I can finally rest within. I’m just so… tired.

because of you. a space to create a perfect fantasy, untouched by burdens, patterns, or facts. a place for questions, the heavy ones, with room to shape the answers in my own way.

and if reality breaks through, what then? will I stay transparent? will I face you with all of my truths?

for now let me be honest here. I truly admire you. I can’t get you out of my head. you feel pivotal to me. but..

I’m not approaching you, and that’s the kindest, most selfless choice I can make.
the ultimate sacrifice, and maybe also salvation.

I get to exist here without walls, and you get to live your life untouched by this. without ever knowing. without ever having to face the weight I carry or the emptiness that follows it.

you would try to save me. I would let you.
others have tried. others have fallen. each loss becomes another shadow, another reminder of a hopeful choice I made while already knowing the cost someone else would pay. the truth is, the only person who can save me is me. and I’m not ready for that battle. so why would I pull you into it?

I want to keep you as something to reach for if I make it through. and as something that pulls me deeper if I don’t.

maybe that’s why the universe keeps you at a distance. thank her for that, as deeply as I do, every day.

and I’m sorry… mostly to myself. and I hope I’ll have enough strength not to pull you into this. I’m really trying.

On days like these, I feel like a vessel fueled by questions. Empty and overflowing at the same time. And as the title suggests, that is never your fault.

You are somewhere, simply living your life.
Is it a peaceful one, or one you are trying to escape?

You wake up on mornings without the need to go to work. Do you let yourself sleep, or do you still set an alarm anyway?

You move through your day as you usually would. Is it filled with your passions, your relations, your responsibilities, or do you just let it unfold as it comes?

You grow tired and return to sleep once again. Does the sleep greet you with hope for a new day, with contentment in your bones, or is it just another chapter you close, wishing for a better one tomorrow?

Because this is where my emptiness comes from, the quiet, persistent wish to be part of your tomorrow. In my world, days without you feel like a kind of torture I never chose, yet continue to endure.

And this is where all my overflow comes from. The constant struggle to find answers to questions I never had the chance to ask. You are the bane of my existence, but also the one thing I refuse to change.

If you ever come to know this, will you ease my pain? Will you become the answer to everything I was too afraid to ask for?

Because I feel like I do not deserve this. Do not deserve you. But maybe, just maybe, this is the part where the universe shows me that I do.

actually, I’m not sure. I would love for this to reach you. well.. maybe. or would I like it more if I reached you like this personally, not by you accidentally stumbling on my constant letters, but by me actually saying this to you face to face.

and that’s the biggest heartache. the small hope of seeing a someone reaching out with “hey {name}, is that you?” and another kind of hope to never see a dm like that.

I want all of this to finally reach our conversations. I want this to be sent to you, not to the void.

I want you. or do I just want the phase of wanting you? maybe that’s why I stay here..

well, that was a bit of bullshit. I know it’s you I want, just some obstacles in the way of fully doing that.

so reach for me, meet me in the middle. I will take your hand and none of this will ever matter.

I will finally be able to add a recipient to all of my unsent letters.

I will finally be able to place my feelings where they belong. I’m tired of keeping them at bay.

Would you let me wake up earlier and make you breakfast? I’m not much of a breakfast person myself, but I show care through cooking, and I’d love to start a day by sharing that with you.

Would you let me introduce you to my friends and make you part of the circles I belong to? I’m deeply grateful for the people in my life, and I would want you close to those who remind me what belonging feels like.

Would you let me come to you after a long day at work with food already ordered and a bottle of wine in my bag, so we can walk home together and put on a series we love? I sometimes push myself too hard and seek quiet when I’m tired, and I imagine you might understand how healing simple closeness can be.

Would you let me take you on trips with me? Traveling always seems to sneak up on me, despite my hesitance toward it, but I think with you even unfamiliar places could begin to feel like home.

Would you let me be part of your hobbies? I can struggle to make room for my own sometimes, but I would love to learn what lights you up and see the world through what draws you in.

Would you let me take care of you? I’ve learned to love through attention and small acts, and I would want to understand the ways care feels good to you.

Would you let me in on those little secrets of yours? I want to know the quiet things that make you feel safe, because loving someone well means learning their language.

And would you be there for me when I overwork myself, when I downplay what hurts, when I shut down instead of letting things out? I can hide strain too well sometimes, I tend to carry burdens away from the people I love, and I’m not always good at asking for help, but I want to learn.

So, will you take my hand and lean on me, and let your gentle presence be a reminder of the reality I want to stay in.

Would you let me wake up earlier and make you breakfast? I’m not much of a breakfast person myself, but I show care through cooking, and I’d love to start a day by sharing that with you.

Would you let me introduce you to my friends and make you part of the circles I belong to? I’m deeply grateful for the people in my life, and I would want you close to those who remind me what belonging feels like.

Would you let me come to you after a long day at work with food already ordered and a bottle of wine in my bag, so we can walk home together and put on a series we love? I sometimes push myself too hard and seek quiet when I’m tired, and I imagine you might understand how healing simple closeness can be.

Would you let me take you on trips with me? Traveling always seems to sneak up on me, despite my hesitance toward it, but I think with you even unfamiliar places could begin to feel like home.

Would you let me be part of your hobbies? I can struggle to make room for my own sometimes, but I would love to learn what lights you up and see the world through what draws you in.

Would you let me take care of you? I’ve learned to love through attention and small acts, and I would want to understand the ways care feels good to you.

Would you let me in on those little secrets of yours? I want to know the quiet things that make you feel safe, because loving someone well means learning their language.

And would you be there for me when I overwork myself, when I downplay what hurts, when I shut down instead of letting things out? I can hide strain too well sometimes, I tend to carry burdens away from the people I love, and I’m not always good at asking for help, but I want to learn.

So, will you take my hand and lean on me, and let your gentle presence be a reminder of the reality I want to stay in.

Oh geez, here I go again. *sound of a drink being set on a table*

You know, life is cruel enough on its own, but apparently not cruel enough for me, because I keep building this prison brick by brick. At least I have a focus, right? And funnily enough, these bricks are made of paper. One small step and I’m out. Not even a step. A longer exhale than expected would do the trick. But I stay here, sealing these walls around myself.

Maybe one day they’ll no longer be big enough to contain me, finally forcing me free. But I know myself. I’d gather every fallen piece and start building a new one.

Yes, I know, I know. I just said how easy it would be to break myself free. One gaze without withdrawing. A few steps toward you. One simple question. And then one simple answer from which I could build a world, not a prison.

Ah, simple, simple, simple. What’s the fun in simple? You’re not simple. That’s why I gravitate toward you. You charge the air and I move through it like a current.

But do you know what’s simple? The attraction I feel for you. Base, primal, and… well, it would take too long to list all the synonyms.

And each day I wait just to see you at work. You know, the place you probably hesitate to go to and feel drained by every time you have to be there? For you it might be hell. For me, it feels like promised land.

And in those moments I shift one brick enough to fully see you. And I know you see me too. Just not the walls around me. Or maybe I do not yet see yours. Ah, so what, I believe they’ll soon fall on their own.

You know, I never thought of myself as much of a writer. I’ve always been drawn more to other forms of art. But you ignited something new in me.

And sometimes I feel I know my own tendencies well enough to encrypt them in metaphors like this. I’ve been in these cycles long enough to study them, turn them over, and learn how to explain them from every angle.

But you shifted something. Can you feel the rift? Does it echo? Do you hear it? Because to me, it’s almost deafening.

*sound of a beer can cracking open.* Oh geez, here I go again.

You know, life is cruel enough on its own, but apparently not cruel enough for me, because I keep building this prison brick by brick. At least I have a focus, right? And funnily enough, these bricks are made of paper. One small step and I’m out. Not even a step. A longer exhale than expected would do the trick. But I stay here, sealing these walls around myself.

Maybe one day they’ll no longer be big enough to contain me, finally forcing me free. But I know myself. I’d gather every fallen piece and start building a new one.

Yes, I know, I know. I just said how easy it would be to break myself free. One gaze without withdrawing. A few steps toward you. One simple question. And then one simple answer from which I could build a world, not a prison.

Ah, simple, simple, simple. What’s the fun in simple? You’re not simple. That’s why I gravitate toward you. You charge the air and I move through it like a current.

But do you know what’s simple? The attraction I feel for you. Base, primal, and… well, it would take too long to list all the synonyms.

And each day I wait just to see you at work. You know, the place you probably hesitate to go to and feel drained by every time you have to be there? For you it might be hell. For me, it feels like promised land.

And in those moments I shift one brick enough to fully see you. And I know you see me too. Just not the walls around me. Or maybe I don’y yet see yours. Ah, so what, I believe they’ll soon fall on their own.

You know, I never thought of myself as much of a writer. I’ve always been drawn more to other forms of art. But you ignited something new in me.

And sometimes I feel I know my own tendencies well enough to encrypt them in metaphors like this. I’ve been in these cycles long enough to study them, turn them over, and learn how to explain them from every angle.

But you shifted something. Can you feel the rift?

I would give all my earthly possessions to stand before you with no barriers between us, no questions hanging in the air, no walls left to hide behind. Vulnerable, broken, honest.

But I will not surrender the treasures within me. I keep them on hold, shining a faint light, visible only to one set of eyes. And your name is etched into every one of them, again and again, going deeper each day. Those, you have to come and take yourself.

And when your eyes meet mine, can you see the flicker of light reflecting from them? Is that why your gaze lingers, as if you’ve finally found your harbor?

I notice the way you look at me, the way you close the distance, the way you orbit without fully giving in, as if I am something forbidden, something you’re not sure could truly exist. And maybe it is that light breaking through, blinding you to what truly stands in front of you.

It’s just me. With my walls, my past, and all my questions. Maybe that is the most honest version of me. The one that looks back and sees that same light shining from you.

But I’m not seeking for shelter in a harbor. I’m seeking you. So let me find you.

Sometimes I see posts that almost feel like you. But they are the version of you I want to believe in, the way I imagine your side of the story, the way I wish you might see me.

And it’s posts like that, the ones that speak to something essential in me, that make me notice how people leave this place. The familiar names stop posting, accounts disappear, old words vanish. It is strange to stay somewhere long enough to recognize the same strangers, to become a quiet observer of their stories. And I wonder what made them go. Was it frustration, acceptance, fear, guilt, or did they finally find the person they were waiting for? I hope, for most of them, it was the last. I want to believe that. Though reality is often harsher, layered in ways hope does not prepare us for.

And most of all I wonder when I will get to leave too. When will I meet whatever waits for me? When will I feel centered in my own life again? Right now I drift, and somehow only you pull me back to earth.

So I hold onto those posts I mentioned, keeping them like a favorite story, one I let myself believe in. Because if I reached out to the person behind them, I know the illusion might break. Something would not align, and some small hope might disappear with it.

Do you see the resemblance in that? The hesitation?

I have spent so much of my life in my head because so many things I once longed for, chased, and thought I wanted arrived disguised as ruin. I received what I asked for before I knew whether it was ever meant for me.

So once again, universe, let me meet this person in the middle. Without chasing, without promises made ahead of time, just two people choosing, willingly, to take small steps toward each other. Small, but taken with quiet certainty.

And you, do not stay lurking at the edge. I am already, little by little, erasing it.