u/Dry-Message-3891

i’m diagnosed with bp1 w mixed and psychotic features. some may say that’s the most severe. however, i have extended periods of being euthymic with some breakthrough symptoms.

i can basically manage my illness with a low dose antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer, exercise and solid sleep hygiene.

i wouldn’t consider what i have as “severe” (except for the aftermath of episodes which is shit memory and cognitive decline)

god i hate this so much. i’m supposed to be at like 50% course completion and im at 31%. i had to take two weeks off because my symptoms were brewing up. i cannot afford more time off because this is literally the biggest exam of my life.

would appreciate any tips on staying locked in for the next 10 weeks. i know i can’t negotiate sleep but i feel that’s where ill struggle most.

god i hate this so much. i’m supposed to be at like 50% course completion and im at 31%. i had to take two weeks off because my symptoms were brewing up. i cannot afford more time off because this is literally the biggest exam of my life.

would appreciate any tips on staying locked in for the next 10 weeks. i know i can’t negotiate sleep but i feel that’s where ill struggle most.

god i hate this so much. i’m supposed to be at like 50% course completion and im at 31%. i had to take two weeks off because my symptoms were brewing up. i cannot afford more time off because this is literally the biggest exam of my life.

would appreciate any tips on staying locked in for the next 10 weeks. i know i can’t negotiate sleep but i feel that’s where ill struggle most.

we are 10 weeks out and i am absolutely panicking at this point!!!

I’ve had a bit of a few breakthrough symptoms of a mixed episode brew this past week and a half that really tested my ability to quickly re stabilize myself. Currently, I’m crashing a bit right now but I’m hoping to stabilize my sleep tonight and be back on track by Sunday.

Before I was diagnosed, I use to think these were “phases” I would grow out of or that they eventually would go away. These “phases” turned out to be the ups and downs of the illness (full episodes at the time), so Ive come to find out over the past year.

Sucks to realize they’re just a part of who I am and that no amount of “growing up” will make them ever go fully away.

I know i’m crashing and that’s why my attitude is somewhat bleak but I really cannot believe this is my reality.

Thank god i’ve been able to stop a full episode and keep it at symptoms only. I hadn’t had any symptoms in 4 months and part of me thought I had been cured.

On the bright side, I was able to prove to myself that I am not a complete slave to these moods and that I do have more control over whether I go into an episode. At least there’s that.

I’ve had a bit of a few breakthrough symptoms of a mixed episode brew this past week and a half that really tested my ability to quickly re stabilize myself. Currently, I’m crashing a bit right now but I’m hoping to stabilize my sleep tonight.

Before I was diagnosed, I use to think these were “phases” I would grow out of or that they eventually would go away. These “phases” turned out to be the ups and downs of the illness, so Ive come to find out over the past year.

Sucks to realize they’re just a part of who I am and that no amount of “growing up” will make them ever go fully away.

I know i’m crashing and that’s why my attitude is somewhat bleak but I really cannot believe this is my reality.

Thank god i’ve been able to stop an episode but I hadn’t had any symptoms in 4 months and part of me thought I had been cured.

On the bright side, I was able to prove to myself that I am not a complete slave to this moods and that I do have more control over whether I go into an episode. At least there’s that.

i’ve definitely felt like i’ve had symptoms of a mixed episode brewing this past week. a tad impulsivity, making decisions i normally wouldn’t, sleep being off, etc.

these past two days i’ve been craving a glass of wine and i finally got my hands on some. i was calling a friend and noticed my speech was pressured and that i barely let her get a word in. i was drinking wine at like 3pm casually like it was the most normal thing (note: i haven’t drank alcohol in months).

she also has bipolar and was basically advising that i just needed to stay on a schedule and not drink more alcohol. i, truthfully, told her that i was gonna instead take more adderall (at 4pm mind you) and study while i drank more wine ??????

fast forward 2 hours, i drank half the bottle, took adderall and suddenly i got this wave of insight like what the hell am i doing??? i threw the alcohol out because it was making me more depressed and anxious all at the same time. smoked a cig (this has been an unfortunate coping mechanism since i quit vaping) and decided to just call it a night.

i took my antipsychotic and im just waiting for it fully kick in but i feel like shit because of how i was with my friend just sooooo self absorbed and also because the alcohol and adderall clearly don’t mix well so i can’t really focus how i should be able to because i feel the alcohol is blocking the effects.

any words of support would be greatly appreciated!!

i’ve definitely felt like i’ve had symptoms of a mixed episode brewing this past week. a tad impulsivity, making decisions i normally wouldn’t, sleep being off, etc.

these past two days i’ve been craving a glass of wine and i finally got my hands on some. i was calling a friend and noticed my speech was pressured and that i barely let her get a word in. i was drinking wine at like 3pm casually like it was the most normal thing (note: i haven’t drank alcohol in months).

she also has bipolar and was basically advising that i just needed to stay on a schedule and not drink more alcohol. i, truthfully, told her that i was gonna instead take more adderall (at 4pm mind you) and study while i drank more wine ??????

fast forward 2 hours, i drank half the bottle, took adderall and suddenly i got this wave of insight like what the hell am i doing??? i threw the alcohol out because it was making me more depressed and anxious all at the same time. smoked a cig (this has been an unfortunate coping mechanism since i quit vaping) and decided to just call it a night.

i took my antipsychotic and im just waiting for it fully kick in but i feel like shit because of how i was with my friend just sooooo self absorbed and also because the alcohol and adderall clearly don’t mix well so i can’t really focus how i should be able to because i feel the alcohol is blocking the effects.

any words of support would be greatly appreciated!!

bp1 w psychotic features here and over the past week, i’ve noticed myself kinda making some hypomanic choices but i can tell im not in a full episode mainly because im consistently taking my meds and its not escalating. so far ive:

- driven to my place in the city to meet up w an old sneaky link (i’m practically celibate and chose to not entertain men for the time being)
- spent $500 on designer sunglasses (granted i was buying my mom her mother’s day gift but it was an unnecessary purchase and didn’t think too much about the price tag)
- yesterday stayed up until 3am reading a book (i’ve not done this in MONTHS)
- my sleeping schedule has been inconsistent (i’m getting the right 7-8 hours of sleep but at inconsistent times)
- ill have moments of deep depression where im unable to move at times
- the other night i got a little paranoid that someone was going to break in
- i’ve been having racing thoughts
- recently i’ve gotten irritable and snappy bc i feel gross and my meds made me gain weight
- most importantly, ive wanted to stop my meds but i know this is probably when i need them most. i absolutely will not stop my meds.

i just need this to pass so i can focus but i am like so pissed off for no reason and shit keeps setting me off and nothing is quite right. i hate this illness, but if i have any choice in the matter, i refuse to let myself go manic. i need this shit to just be over with.

bp1 w psychotic features here and over the past week, i’ve noticed myself kinda making some hypomanic choices but i can tell im not in a full episode mainly because im consistently taking my meds and its not escalating. so far ive:

- driven to my place in the city to meet up w an old sneaky link (i’m practically celibate and chose to not entertain men for the time being)
- spent $500 on designer sunglasses (granted i was buying my mom her mother’s day gift but it was an unnecessary purchase and didn’t think too much about the price tag)
- yesterday stayed up until 3am reading a book (i’ve not done this in MONTHS)
- my sleeping schedule has been inconsistent (i’m getting the right 7-8 hours of sleep but at inconsistent times)
- ill have moments of deep depression where im unable to move at times
- the other night i got a little paranoid that someone was going to break in
- i’ve been having racing thoughts
-recently i’ve gotten irritable and snappy bc i feel gross and my meds made me gain weight
- most importantly, ive wanted to stop my meds but i know this is probably when i need them most

i just need this to pass so i can focus but i am like so pissed off for no reason and shit keeps setting me off and nothing is quite right. i hate this illness, but if i have any choice in the matter, i refuse to let myself go manic. i need this shit to just be over with.

**i, 25f, matched with this guy 31m on the league (basically a dating app for people in your tax bracket if i’m honest), and that was in january.**

**we’ve been consistently texting since january (except for like a month where we both ghosted each other). this man knows basically everything about me like that i moved back in w my parents bc of a bipolar diagnosis, that im studying for the bar, shit about my psycho ex who i have a restraining order against, and basically my deeper thoughts feelings and emotions.**

**i told him i wouldn’t be able to see him before the bar because im locked in (and i should even more so but alas i have 12 weeks). so we agreed to keep chatting low pressure (with him obviously knowing i dont do casual relationships at all).**

**i’ve asked for a call or facetime before we both ghosted each other and now it’s been a month of us reconnecting and i brought it up again but more so in a way of “you know what’s crazy? i have no idea what your voice sounds like at all. just an observation.”**

**now i think this is wild because i still have other men hitting my line up and they stay sending voice notes and calling and asking to see me despite me consistently saying no.**

**i’ve thought, okay, maybe he’s just not that into me but also why continue showing up and engaging w me consistently KNOWING im looking for a serious relationship and those are my intentions (which, allegedly, he shares too). at this point, it really is also just the principle of it all.**

**am i going insane or what?**

i, 25f, matched with this guy 31m on the league (basically a dating app for people in your tax bracket if i’m honest), and that was in january.

we’ve been consistently texting since january (except for like a month where we both ghosted each other). this man knows basically everything about me like that i moved back in w my parents bc of a bipolar diagnosis, that im studying for the bar, shit about my psycho ex who i have a restraining order against, and basically my deeper thoughts feelings and emotions.

i told him i wouldn’t be able to see him before the bar because im locked in (and i should even more so but alas i have 12 weeks). so we agreed to keep chatting low pressure (with him obviously knowing i dont do casual relationships at all).

i’ve asked for a call or facetime before we both ghosted each other and now it’s been a month of us reconnecting and i brought it up again but more so in a way of “you know what’s crazy? i have no idea what your voice sounds like at all. just an observation.”

now i think this is wild because i still have other men hitting my line up and they stay sending voice notes and calling and asking to see me despite me consistently saying no.

i’ve thought, okay, maybe he’s just not that into me but also why continue showing up and engaging w me consistently KNOWING im looking for a serious relationship and those are my intentions (which, allegedly, he shares too). at this point, it really is also just the principle of it all.

am i going insane or what?

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I feel like I lost two whole years of my life.

I was in a relationship during law school that I now recognize as abusive—emotionally, sexually, just overall really intense and unstable. At the same time, I was dealing with bipolar symptoms (undiagnosed) and looking back, I think I was hypomanic for parts of it. Maybe all of it. Everything felt… amplified. Like every emotion, every interaction, every moment with him was at 1000%.

But here’s the weird part: for the past year, since getting diagnosed, it’s like my brain just shut it off. I got an order of protection, focused on moving on as best as i could, focused on surviving all the med changes and symptoms, finally stabilizing, and getting through everything. And I genuinely didn’t think about him or that relationship much at all. Sure, I missed him some days and wished I could go back, but nothing to what would probably be expected of someone in that situation.

Now that I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, I’m getting these random flashes. Not full memories—just moments. Being in his car while he’s yelling. Sitting in my apartment, smoking, about to have sex, and feeling how charged everything was. It’s like my body remembers before my brain does.

And there’s so much pain attached to it. Not just sadness—like a heavy, physical kind of pain.

What’s messing with me is that part of my brain keeps going: was that intensity real? Was it him? Or was it the hypomania making everything feel bigger than it actually was?

I know logically it wasn’t healthy. I know I was scared at times. But the intensity is what’s sticking, and it’s confusing.

I can’t tell if the gaps in my memory are due to mania or trauma.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I feel like I lost two whole years of my life.

I was in a relationship during law school that I now recognize as abusive—emotionally, sexually, just overall really intense and unstable. At the same time, I was dealing with bipolar symptoms (undiagnosed) and looking back, I think I was hypomanic for parts of it. Maybe all of it. Everything felt… amplified. Like every emotion, every interaction, every moment with him was at 1000%.

But here’s the weird part: for the past year, since getting diagnosed, it’s like my brain just shut it off. I got an order of protection, focused on moving on as best as i could, focused on surviving all the med changes and symptoms, finally stabilizing, and getting through everything. And I genuinely didn’t think about him or that relationship much at all. Sure, I missed him some days and wished I could go back, but nothing to what would probably be expected of someone in that situation.

Now that I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, I’m getting these random flashes. Not full memories—just moments. Being in his car while he’s yelling. Sitting in my apartment, smoking, about to have sex, and feeling how charged everything was. It’s like my body remembers before my brain does.

And there’s so much pain attached to it. Not just sadness—like a heavy, physical kind of pain.

What’s messing with me is that part of my brain keeps going: was that intensity real? Was it him? Or was it the hypomania making everything feel bigger than it actually was?

I know logically it wasn’t healthy. I know I was scared at times. But the intensity is what’s sticking, and it’s confusing.

I can’t tell if the gaps in my memory are due to mania or trauma.

i had my first mixed episode w psychosis almost exactly a year ago and one that only lasted a few days in september (i think this was more hypomanic than manic, but my behavior shows otherwise).

i seemed to get back on track after a few months for the first one in may of last year and surprisingly didn’t feel my cognition took a major hit (though it probably did and i was still in denial and not taking the illness seriously enough).

with the episode in september, i went “skiing” which definitely made it worse. the come down of that episode and the crash lasted months where i couldn’t move from the couch and my cognition took a major hit. after that, i had a few hypomanic scares and now i have been at baseline for about 3 months.

i feel like to really really recover my cognition and begin to rebuild my confidence, it’s taken 6-12 months. i couldn’t even fathom working a job or studying and now i work a corporate 9-5 and study part time for the bar exam. this is all thanks to seeing a therapist weekly up to two times a week, attending support groups 1-2x weekly, biweekly psych appointments and lots of overly cautious self monitoring.

i’m wondering, how did it take to regain your cognition? how long before you felt “normal” and functioning again?

i’ll probably delete this but it’s been almost exactly a year since i filed an emergency order of protection against an individual who contributed to my instability and likely hypomanic episodes and ultimately full blown manic episode. i filed may 8 and was diagnosed in a mixed episode w psychosis on may 24. i’ve pretty much blocked out the entirety of our relationship that lasted a year and a half on and off because ive been focused on stability and finding the right med combo. finally a year out i feel like i can semi process and look at things more objectively. i was so in love with him but at the same time i can finally acknowledge the harm he caused me. i’m sharing just to vent and receive support!

i also likely need validation that this would have pushed anyone over the edge. i cannot believe one person had so much control over my nervous system. this was already a scary and painful situation but realizing i was likely hypomanic during the majority of our relationship just makes me so so sad. he must have known something was so deeply wrong w me and took advantage of it.

here are parts of my eop:

joked about kicking me out of the car at the state border and shooting me.

The second time we had sex, he was adamant about not using a condom. He got mad about it and I kicked him out of the apartment, but the situation made me feel like I owed him something and we had unprotected sex.

The first time we had sex, he picked me up from a concert. I told him I had a few drinks and a really low alcohol tolerance. When we were at my place, I told him I did not want to keep going, but he kept pushing. I remember ending up having unprotected sex that night.

He was driving on a man street. He knew I was scared of high speeds, but he would speed and we would get into arguments. he would consistently speed as a way to assert control throughout our relationship.

I got a false positive pregnancy test. I panicked and called him, showing him the test.
He said “f***ing figure it out” and blocked me while I was handling a possible pregnancy, with what I thought was his child, since he was the only person I was having sexual relations with.

During this time, he would consistently scream at me over the phone during arguments, saying i caused his mood swings.

i tried to end things and he avoided me for days. Then randomly said he wanted to go on a picnic and we did. While driving, he said i was in control of the relationship and he should be able to do whatever he wants. He grabbed the steering wheel and jerked it toward him to prove his point.

joked about a “ a dream that i pushed you in the lake.”

I told him I was scared of him, and he said “good.”

like i said any words of support are appreciated.

when i think about the times ive been hypomanic, i almost always have been using marijuana and sleeping (unprotected sex) with toxic individuals or sometimes straight up dangerous people. i moved back home to stabilize and i’ve been stable for a few months.

i am alone for two weeks as my mom is out of the country on a trip. it was a hard decision for her to go because last time i was alone i had a manic episode. i’ve been focused on work and bar prep.

though today i am getting a huge urge to smoke weed and hit up an old fling for unprotected sex. this is partly because i am stressed but also because i finally have “freedom” to act how id want. i am taking my meds and sleeping well so i know its not mania.

my friend suggested i attend an open aa meeting which i did (even though im not an alcoholic).

i guess my thought process is that if i just buy a few joints for the weekend then ill still be fine because its not like ill immediately go manic?? maybe im being overly cautious and i should just grab a joint.

does this seem sound??

EDIT: the stress i’m under is certainly having me flirt with hypomania. definitely not in an episode but risky enough that i gotta double down on protective measures. i got myself to a meeting to stay sober, took my antipsychotic, and am planning for 8-10 hours of sleep tonight. my stability is a choice and im choosing stability. thanks everyone who replied!!