u/Dry_Fill_6663

I’m currently rewatching the show and it reall shows that I’m an adult now (lol). It seems so odd to me that both Emma and Cleo have stable jobs when Rikki is the only one whose family always needs a little extra money. Emmas family seems pretty wealthy, and Cleos family doesn’t seem to have financial problems either. In a real life scenario, Rikki would be the one who had to already work during high school, not Emma and Cleo.

First of all, I’m enneagram 4 and my tritype is 479. Although I relate to a depressed SX7 to some extent, I think.
I’ve read many descriptions and comparisons between sp4 and so4 but I’m still confused.
For a while I was sure I’m sp blind because I tend to neglect my own needs when I’m stressed out, mostly because during bad times I feel like I dont “deserve” to be healthy. So I neglect eating well, exercising etc, and I also self-sabotage A LOT, avoiding my education, work, social life etc. But I also tend to hyperfixate on eating healthy and exercising to gain some form of “control” over my life when everything else is going bad (neglecting my health is kind of the last step of being stressed out, I think). When I commit to a job or a task to help someone else, I neglect my own comfort (for example, I don’t fix stuff in my apartment or don’t eat for a whole day because “my job comes first, other people need me”). But when I don’t have a job, I isolate myself in order to maintain my peace and comfort, focusing on myself.
When I was a teenager, I looked down on people who posted sad paragraphs on social media or openly showed their SH scars to gain attention, even though I SHd for years and vented in my diary everyday.
I’ve been writing deeply personal poems my whole life, but I’ve only shown them to one person after many years of being friends, and I posted a few strictly anonimously. This is allegedly an sp thing (?).
Most of all, I have been unable to ask for help when I have physical issues since I was a child: whether I was sick or seriously injured, I couldn’t bring myself to show it to people due to embarrassment, and I can’t cry in front of people unless I’m drunk. (This is probably due to my parents who hate crying or weak people.) However, I was always VERY jealous of people who WERE able to cry or suffer in front of people and got comforted/consoled, and I often had daydreams about my suffering finally being seen and being comforted.
There’s a section in the novel “The Secret History” where the main character almost freezes to death because he refuses to ask for money/help from his friends, parents or teachers, and I really relate to that.
I’ve always longed for friendship and I love being around big crowds - but never cared about social hierarchies, being popular or being “friends” with everyone - I search for real connection, depth and being accepted for myself. I usually have one (or a very few) close friend(s) I want to be around all the time and form a close bond, but I enjoy spending time with multiple people at once. When I try to be part of a group, I usually start feeling ostracized after a while and leave the group before I feel fully rejected.
I usually hide my pain when I’m around people, and act very bubbly or calm. I have been called “the calmest person they’ve ever met” (I’m usually quiet), “always optimistic” and “the life of the party, always so enthusiastic” (I’m usually down for anything and like looking at things as adventures, but I’m usually quite passive and definitely not impulsive). However, people who have known me for a while call me dramatic, annoying and too much, because once I get to know people, I start venting and whining all the time. Those few close people have to listen to me complaining 24/7 to a point that I have been called an “attention seeker” (I only complain about emotional problems).
I don’t care about group dinamics or social harmony but I don’t start drama myself, and I love contributing to groups/society when I can.

I don’t know how we’re “supposed to” handle nostalgia as ENFPs. I know I’m a very nostalgic and sentimental person to the point of not being able to handle the emotions, therefore I often avoid thinking about the past, showing up at reunions, or any kind of situation that makes me relive old memories.
One of my favourite movies is Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, it perfectly depicts how I feel about nostalgia: a deep connection with old feelings and memories and not being able to let go, therefore deciding to literally erase all memories in order to avoid pain.
I’ve been told before that I move on “too easily” and that I always find new people and don’t get truly attached to anyone - when in reality, it’s the exact opposite: I don’t think I’ve ever let go of anyone or anything, that’s why I try to act like they don’t exist anymore. If the procedure from ESOTSM existed, I would 100% do it, and regret it while it happened. In reality, I “erase them” by having no contact and occupying myself with new experiences and people. But time after time (and not on rare occasion) I get a wave of nostalgia, reread my old diaries, old messages etc., and I feel like I can’t handle all these feelings and memories in my brain.
Also, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t forget ANYTHING that ever happened. Meeting people from my past often reminds me that they don’t remember half of fhe things I do, therefore those experiences didn’t mean as much to them as they did to me, and that’s a very lonely feeling.