u/Due-Community-6448

I always say I like being alone. While that is not totally wrong, it’s also not totally true.

The thing is, I love people. I love Love. I care a lot and I know I always have pure intentions especially for the people in my life. But I just keep getting disappointed and hurt. And don’t tell me this bs not to expect anything in return. It’s not the “return,” it’s the not being reciprocated. Not being thought of or considered. Not being as valued.

To feel and know that I love and care for this person so deeply, that I would go above and beyond for him/her, and realize this person does not care that much for me. To realize this person will not do the things I would do for them unless it’s the only option. To realize I am not on his/her thoughts as much as him/her on mine. My heart cracks.

Life is hardest for the ones who give the most. Even after being hurt or disappointed, you still can't help but care. Sometimes I resent that part of myself, but deep down, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'd rather be someone who loves deeply and cares wholeheartedly than become indifferent. It's both a blessing and a curse, but it's also who I am.

I say I like being alone. But rather, I prefer being alone than be in a place where I pour myself and yet not valued, loved, and cared for.

I say I like being alone because I want the resentment to stop. That’s not the person I want to become. And yet, here I am.

Hon, simple lang naman ako eh. Mababaw ang kaligayahan. Madaling maplease. Gusto ko lang ng long letter sa birthday ko. Taon taon na lang di ba yun lang?

Hindi ko maintindihan bakit kailangan ko pa ulit ulitin bago mo gawin? Bakit kinailangan sumama muna loob ko? Na kahit gawin mo pa, nawalan na ng meaning dahil ilang beses ko muna hiningi. Para kong nanlilimos sayo.

Hindi ko malilimutan yung birthday ko na wala kang ginawa. Wala akong ineexpect na regalo, suprise o kahit ano, yung letter lang. Nagintay ako nang matagal kasi baka humahanap ka ng tyempo.

Walang nang mas sasakit pa sa mga bagay na hindi mo ginawa.

I was spiraling down. I know I am and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I can feel myself going to panic mode thinking how to help myself. I pushed myself to go out but it doesn’t help. Pushed myself to do one more of one thing. Then just one more maybe that would help. The more I push, the more I feel this weight getting heavier and heavier. And it upsets me so much that that’s all I can do, and still it is not enough.

I feel ashamed and guilty. I can’t sleep. Can’t even eat well. Each day it’s piling up. All the unfinished tasks are piling up. They never end.

I’m trying to deny it that I’m not fine, not notice it, hoping it will go away. But it doesn’t. I’m scared I will mess up at work, I can barely work on my other goals I can’t mess up at work too.

I noticed I’m not getting rest at all from all the overthinking, the endless list of things I have to do, all the guilt and shame. I can’t keep doing this, I feel like I’m really about to snap. So on my next days off, I decided I’ll try to just be completely useless without shame, guilt and everything. I allowed myself to just watch the shows I want to watch. Eat junk food. Drink coffee. Doom scroll. Walk without thinking what to do next. Lay in bed and just not think about later.

Oh my god that was 2 days of waste but not totally. I feel a lot better now. Hahaha it’s not a cure but helped me get back to a “normal” headspace.

Now I’m thinking, is this how my life’s going to be? Lol.

We all wonder kamusta ka na ngayon. You had cut everyone off after the breakup. I can’t even find your mom on fb anymore. Kamusta ka na? Okay ka lang ba? Have you found a job? Do you still think of me like I do? Or have you found someone else?

I miss us. I remember the good memories and I miss us. I hope you’re okay.

Nung nasira mo yung tiwala ko, may nabuksang balon. Hindi ko alam kung paano makakaalis.

“Bakit ang dami mong email address? Bakit ka nagdownload ng TG? Praning lang siguro ako. Pero dalawa phone mo, baka totoong sa kalokohan ginamit yung isa? Hindi naman siguro. Baka nagkikita pa kayo? Pero sabi mo hindi, so siguro nga hindi na.”

Natapos na. Pero hinahabol pa rin ako ng mga kasinungalingan mo. Na hindi ko alam kung may totoo ba sa kahit anong lumabas sa bibig mo. And I think that makes me a little crazy. Thinking over and over alin ang totoo at alin ang hindi?

Minahal mo naman talaga ko di ba? Hindi mo naman ako ginamit lang? Alam mo ba gano kasakit pagdudahan yung pagmamahal na naramdaman ko?