u/Due-Cry-9693

I found out I was pregnant April 7th. I had not anticipated on truly being pregnant. you told me you were not in a good head space and were going to play your games and do your own thing. I got to thinking, I was late and wanted to take a test to reassure myself. I went to the store and got a test. Came home. Before a minute had even passed, the 2nd line showed up. I walked out into the living room on auto pilot, any woman who knows the overwhelming emotion that comes with that 2nd line. It’s out of body. You said from the couch “you’re not going to be pregnant” I immediately replied there’s already a second line. Your Immediate reply “I don’t want anymore kids, so.” So what? You got me pregnant. I didn’t ask for that. That’s when you began to question how could it even show up that fast? Asked me what am I going to do? What do you mean, I support abortion for those who choose but it is never something I wanted. We already have two children, I knew what those lines become. You began to pressure me into having an abortion immediately. “Why would you keep it after everything.” “ you think that’s a good idea?” I began to cry. How could you act that way towards me? You claimed the next day to not say anything else negative And support what I choose. That turned into you blaming me for your reaction, because why did I tell you then. That turned into you telling me you couldn’t deal with talking about it right now and I had other people to lean on. Not you though. Later that became bleeding at work and me telling you. Which you replied I don’t know what you want me to say. And more horrible horrible things. Later that night I woke up to a lot of bleeding and cramping I went to the ER. You didn’t text. didn’t ask me how I was doing while there. I was just alone. With strangers telling me my numbers were very low. Your response when getting home, “that’s not good.” You said my anxiety was controlling me bc I didn’t know for sure I was having a miscarriage while you were yelling at me, but I did know. I sense of knowing. I told you. i said you got me pregnant, and you yelled that you didn’t want to do that and that you wanted me to have an abortion. I said I hated you and you were horrible. that I couldn’t stand you. The pain I felt then was so deep. I don’t even want to think of it now. one of the most cruel things anyone has ever said to me. you feigned support the next day for 5 minutes. You told me our marriage was over the next day Or the next. Never apologized. I got my results eventually. I miscarried, and I did that alone. Over a month went by with no apology. Silence. Pain. So much pain. cried myself to sleep for days. It hurt. you apologized 33 days later. no true remorse just sorry I took it too far.

While I was digging up bushes in the front yard, I found a rock engraved with the word Peace, buried under the dirt. I have been looking for a sign. What would become of us, of me, alone. I dug deep, and there it was. A sign. Same as the portrait I found at goodwill with beautiful flowers I hung in the bathroom. It had a word in French, I wasn’t sure the meaning, I looked it up. It meant Peace. The signs have spoken. Whatever that means to you, to me. Peace it is.

in theory it’s so simple. come get in bed with me. hold me. say you’re sorry. stop running away when things are hard. but night after night. silence.

My therapist said you can only shatter a plate against the wall so many times before you can no longer put the pieces back together to make a plate. I told her, “but we were already broken plates before either of us shattered the other.”

I want to reassemble your broken shards. To make a beautiful mosaic. Even if my hands are bloodied in the process. I can fill my cracks with mod podge and glue, I’d do that for you.

-H

I wonder when my heart takes its final beat, will it be you I see?

it all hurts. i cry and it hurts. i distract and it hurts. i put up walls and it hurts. i fall apart and it hurts. I want to scream. I want to collapse. I want to shout to a god I don’t believe in. why why why. it hurts so fucking much. it all hurts.

I wish it was as simple as saying hey, could you come hold me. But it’s not. I crave you to hold me and then I remember. Why am I asking to be held? Why do I have to beg for love, again and again and again. It’s torture, this memory of mine.

and the thought of someone else holding me.. someone else’s arms..I can’t even picture it. Can you?

Your pride.

Anger. 

Ego. 

List of reasons. 

I hope they’re enough—

To convince yourself for the rest of time. 

Because I’ll never try again, to convince you otherwise. 

You win. 

I forfeit. 

Lonely is our prison 

We built brick by brick 

Every argument 

Every harsh word 

Every time we defended instead of understanding 

Every time we ignored instead of reaching 

The bricks stacked upon one another

Me on one side 

You on the other 

More anger 

More resentment 

More stress

Less laughter 

Less love 

The bricks grew 

Forgetting the good 

Bringing up the bad 

Argument after argument 

Mistake after mistake 

Now here we stand 

Alone

In separate rooms 

In the lonely prison’s that we built. 

I’m tired of being strong. I don’t want to do it all on my own. I want to have someone to support me and love me and care for me.. it’s just too much, and I’ll never understand.