u/Due-Tart6968

Long marriage, two young daughters. Over the past few months I’ve gone deep trying to understand what’s been happening in my relationship and recently came across BPD. The more I read the more I feel like I finally have a name for what I’ve been living with.

Here are the symptoms she ticks:

Fear of abandonment - deep and constant for as long as I can remember. Gets triggered when I go quiet or withdraw emotionally as a result of her thoughts and accusations. Has told our 8 year old daughter she would leave her on the side of the road if she didn’t behave. Our daughter now has her own abandonment anxiety as a result.

Rewriting history and memory distortion - genuinely believes her own alternate versions of events. Not lying consciously. she actually believes what she’s saying even when I can prove otherwise. Conversations feel like trying to nail jello to a wall.

DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Any time she’s confronted about something she did, within seconds I’m the one being accused and defending myself.

Splitting - I’m either the best husband or cheap, controlling, and chasing women. No middle ground. Nothing in between.

Emotional dysregulation - creates conflict during vacations, when family visits, at bedtime with the kids. Always when things should be calm or happy.

Identity instability - contradictory feelings about her faith, who she is, major life decisions shifting without explanation.

Self harm history - cut herself as a teenager. Still has the scars. Was seeing a doctor at the time. Recently disclosed the diagnosis was ADHD but I believe there’s more to it.

Cannot accept accountability - in 12 years I have never once heard a genuine unprompted admission of fault. Any wrongdoing gets deflected, denied, or turned around.

This morning after a breaking point conversation, she booked a therapy appointment. First real step in a long time. How do you protect yourself emotionally while staying present for your kids?

How do you handle the reality distortion without losing your mind?

For those whose partners got help - did DBT actually work and what did real progress look like? What can I do make things easier for her?

Not looking for validation. Looking for honest experience from people who’ve actually been through it.

Is my wife psychotic?

Alot of stuff to talk about here… I’m 35 married to my wife (36) and we’ve been together for almost 14 years

I noticed a lot of issues over the time. Wanted to “fix her” and take care of her but 14 years later here I am thinking can you fix the unfixable?

**Finance issues**
Im the sole provider of the house and I give her a very decent amount for the house - I asked several people, they all agreed I’m giving her more than enough, but she insists its not. I often give her extra money on the side and I’m quite generous when it comes to giving her. She asked for 7k to start a business, I gave her 10k. During an argument she said I never give her any money outside the monthly amount I give her. When I gave her several examples (including the business setup money) she replied with “what did you give me? 3k? Take it! I dont want it!” I replied with “it wasnt 3k” she said “5k? Take them back!” I said “i dont want them back im just giving you an example, and it was 10k”. She changed the subject.

**Traveling together**
Any time we travel together she finds something to fight about. Any time I take time off work she finds something to fight about. Any time my parents or hers are visiting us, she finds something to fight about. It got to a point where Im nervous about submitting a leave request for work because I know whats coming

**Distorting my image**
For years shes been talking shit about me behind my back to her family, making me look like im some cheap, broke abusive husband. Recently her sister got cheated on and now all of a sudden shes suspecting that Im seeing someone else and that I want to marry that person (none of it is true). She even convinced her mom, my mom and now my father thinks the same thing. It’s draining having everyone think something like this about you when it’s all false and you’ve always been honest, transparent and straight forward.

**Intimacy**
Weaponized. One time shes okay with me slapping her butt, another time shes setting boundaries and doesn’t accept it. We can go weeks without any intimacy and then when its time for it, she’ll say “lets just get it over with”

**Video recordings**
Any time I have some drinks and sit down and talk my heart out with her, shes recording it on video. “Its funny” was her excuse when I confronted her about it. I ended up going through her phone and deleting them because I started suspecting the reason shes doing this. Keeping in mind when I booked us a private villa with a pool (cost me around 2k for one night) I took picture of us and the kids at the pool, and a picture of her doing yoga (she was in her bikini). I sent her the picture to boost her confidence and show her that she looks good, she insisted that I delete the picture from my phone. Why are you okay with recording me drunk and not okay with me having a picture of you working out?

**Snooping through my phone**
I caught her going through my phone once. She panicked and threw it out of her hand. When I asked what she was doing her story kept changing every time. “I didnt get near your phone” then “i was only holding it” then “i only unlocked it” then “i only opened your instagram i wasnt going to read anything” to “i did it to see your reaction” and then finally “youre the one who got nervous when I touched your phone you must be hiding something”. Gaslighting to the fullest.

**Rewriting facts**
Anytime we trace back a certain “argument” we had its always completely different in her head. Ill start the convo with explaining something, she instantly starts firing back with attitude, and when I get frustrated and change my tone, now im the problem, and im the one whos starting problems because of my tone - completely forgets the main reason we started having the argument and focuses on my tone

**Pre marriage agreements**
Seemed to be aligned on everything. Get married, starts changing the stuff we agreed on and never following through. Still living with the consequences of this until now.

**Support at time of need**
I always told her everything that goes on with me at work. When things got heated up and I lost my job, she blamed me for everything. Before losing my job she acted all supportive and on my side, then when I actually lost my job she started saying its all my fault. It almost happened a second time, and her response “its all your fault! Oh boohoo look at me poor me”. Even when I get sick (i was shitting blood and dr suspected I had a colon tumor) she still keeps adding more shit to my plate and cause more problems. Every single time I had a health issue, this happened. For her - any time I put my foot down and showed her I’m serious, she “gets sick” goes to the dr, now its dangerous, her health is at risk, and I end up shutting down all the problems just so she feels and gets better.

**Therapy**
I told her all these issues and said theres a clear negative pattern here and you really need to see a therapist. She said she understands and will go see a therapist. Two months later we got into an argument, same shit again, I asked her why she didnt see a therapist, she said “i only said ill go so I can end the argument” - she was never planning to actually do it

**Last conversation we had**
I was burnt out - everyone is against me, her mom doesnt want to ask whats wrong, my mother, father, brother, sister, nobody cares or wants to listen, just tell me to man up and move on. I became emotionless like a zombie. She wanted to talk, i told her i have nothing to say anymore and im tired of repeating myself, she accuses me of using a “communication method” as if im being sinister and doing it on purpose. She thinks im a machine.

I dont know what to think of this, and I dont see the point of talking anymore. I repeated everything to her several times over several years, I changed myself several times convinced I was the problem, but it always comes back to the same issues that start with her. I told her if you think Im cheap, stingy, chasing after women and such a horrible person, why do you want to be with me? She said “because I care about you” but her actions prove the exact opposite. Actions > words

What do you guys think?

Got two kids btw

Alot of stuff to talk about here… I’m 35 married to my wife (36) and we’ve been together for almost 14 years

I noticed a lot of issues over the time. Wanted to “fix her” and take care of her but 14 years later here I am thinking can you fix the unfixable?

Finance issues
Im the sole provider of the house and I give her a very decent amount for the house - I asked several people, they all agreed I’m giving her more than enough, but she insists its not. I often give her extra money on the side and I’m quite generous when it comes to giving her. She asked for 7k to start a business, I gave her 10k. During an argument she said I never give her any money outside the monthly amount I give her. When I have her several examples (including the business setup money) she replied with “what did you give me? 3k? Take it! I dont want it!” I replied with “it wasnt 3k” she said “5k? Take them back!” I said “i dont want them back im just giving you an example, and it was 10k”. She changed the subject.

Traveling together
Any time we travel together she finds something to fight about. Any time I take time off work she finds something to fight about. Any time my parents or hers are visiting us, she finds something to fight about. It got to a point where Im nervous about submitting a leave request for work because I know whats coming

Distorting my image
For years shes been talking shit about me behind my back to her family, making me look like im some cheap, broke abusive husband. Recently her sister got cheated on and now all of a sudden shes suspecting that Im seeing someone else and that I want to marry that person (none of it is true). She even convinced her mom, my mom and now my father thinks the same thing. It’s draining having everyone think something like this about you when it’s all false and you’ve always been honest, transparent and straight forward.

Intimacy
Weaponized. One time shes okay with me slapping her butt, another time shes setting boundaries and doesn’t accept it. We can go weeks without any intimacy and then when its time for it, she’ll say “lets just get it over with”

Video recordings
Any time I have some drinks and sit down and talk my heart out with her, shes recording it on video. “Its funny” was her excuse when I confronted her about it. I ended up going through her phone and deleting them because I started suspecting the reason shes doing this. Keeping in mind when I booked us a private villa with a pool (cost me around 2k for one night) I took picture of us and the kids at the pool, and a picture of her doing yoga (she was in her bikini). I sent her the picture to boost her confidence and show her that she looks good, she insisted that I delete the picture from my phone. Why are you okay with recording me drunk and not okay with me having a picture of you working out?

Snooping through my phone
I caught her going through my phone once. She panicked and threw it out of her hand. When I asked what she was doing her story kept changing every time. “I didnt get near your phone” then “i was only holding it” then “i only unlocked it” then “i only opened your instagram i wasnt going to read anything” to “i did it to see your reaction” and then finally “youre the one who got nervous when I touched your phone you must be hiding something”. Gaslighting to the fullest.

Rewriting facts
Anytime we trace back a certain “argument” we had its always completely different in her head. Ill start the convo with explaining something, she instantly starts firing back with attitude, and when I get frustrated and change my tone, now im the problem, and im the one whos starting problems because of my tone - completely forgets the main reason we started having the argument and focuses on my tone

Pre marriage agreements
Seemed to be aligned on everything. Get married, starts changing the stuff we agreed on and never following through. Still living with the consequences of this until now.

Support at time of need
I always told her everything that goes on with me at work. When things got heated up and I lost my job, she blamed me for everything. Before losing my job she acted all supportive and on my side, then when I actually lost my job she started saying its all my fault. It almost happened a second time, and her response “its all your fault! Oh boohoo look at me poor me”. Even when I get sick (i was shitting blood and dr suspected I had a colon tumor) she still keeps adding more shit to my plate and cause more problems. Every single time I had a health issue, this happened. For her - any time I put my foot down and showed her I’m serious, she “gets sick” goes to the dr, now its dangerous, her health is at risk, and I end up shutting down all the problems just so she feels and gets better.

Therapy
I told her all these issues and said theres a clear negative pattern here and you really need to see a therapist. She said she understands and will go see a therapist. Two months later we got into an argument, same shit again, I asked her why she didnt see a therapist, she said “i only said ill go so I can end the argument” - she was never planning to actually do it

Last conversation we had
I was burnt out - everyone is against me, her mom doesnt want to ask whats wrong, my mother, father, brother, sister, nobody cares or wants to listen, just tell me to man up and move on. I became emotionless like a zombie. She wanted to talk, i told her i have nothing to say anymore and im tired of repeating myself, she accuses me of using a “communication method” as if im being sinister and doing it on purpose. She thinks im a machine.

I dont know what to think of this, and I dont see the point of talking anymore. I repeated everything to her several times over several years, I changed myself several times convinced I was the problem, but it always comes back to the same issues that start with her. I told her if you think Im cheap, stingy, chasing after women and such a horrible person, why do you want to be with me? She said “because I care about you” but her actions prove the exact opposite. Actions > words

What do you guys think?

Got two kids btw