u/Due_Excitement3091

I can’t take this anymore. I am closeted and I realized today after a dysphoric shower in the field that I’m done. I need to get out of here as fast as possible.

Is there any job I can take on that offers free housing? Because my number one issue with leaving the military at this moment is the fact that I don’t have enough money to live. I’m completely broke.

Either a job with free housing, or a job that pays immediately would do wonders. I’m so done, I don’t know how much longer I can stay here.

I’m doing the best I can to get out of the military as fast as I can, but at the moment, I’m trapped being closeted in the military because I joined back when Biden was president, and before I realized I was trans. If I come out as trans, I would be kicked out of the military and I would be immediately outed to my transphobic parents, so I’ve been trying to play it smart and find a way to leave on my own terms so I don’t become destitute.

Guys, my military base has showers with very little privacy. I’ve been in the field all day and I’m filthy as hell, and I NEED to shower. But showering is one of the most dysphoria inducing things for me. I cry before showering, even when I’m in the privacy of my own house. Showering in front of female service members and being vulnerable in a state of dysphoria is a nightmare to me. I’ve been able to do it in the past, but the dysphoria has gotten 200x worse since I realized I’m trans. I’m trying to hype myself up, but even taking off my clothes in front of people makes me so uncomfortable now.

Can you guys please say silly things to get me to feel even a tiny bit empowered to shower? Yes, I know, I’m in the military and that’s shameful, and lots of people don’t support the military, but please, from one trans guy to another…please help me. I can only move forward one step at a time, and for me right now, I need to prioritize my basic physical health in order to be strong enough to find a way to leave. I can’t let myself become physically sick because of neglecting my health.

Literally anything. Tell me to role play. Tell me a joke to make it better. Scream at me in all caps like a drill instructor to scare me into doing it. Anything.

Edit: this post is not in support of the U.S. military. I was very ignorant when I chose to join, and I’m paying the price for my ignorance.

I’m really freaking sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. But I’m in an unsafe place to come out as trans and I’m also closeted in the U.S. military, so if I come out and get separated, it would immediately out me and I don’t have the financial ability to be outed to my family at the moment.

I’ve been trying to save up money so that I can feel safe enough to come out and leave as soon as possible, but the crushing loneliness I feel is so painful it kind of makes me depressed. I want a supportive boyfriend so badly, and I know this sounds overdramatic but it genuinely makes me depressed that men don’t see me the way I wish I could be seen. I know it might sound strange for me to say this, but I want to be a gay man so badly that it genuinely makes me depressed and I feel this existential hopelessness that it literally cannot be my reality, at least not in this current moment. I feel like I’m fetishistic for saying that, but I’ve felt this way my whole life. I feel such a crushing loneliness and existential heaviness that this is my reality, and that I’m doomed to be alone forever.

I tried to cope by trying to date guys as a guy pre transition, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough since my body doesn’t really match what I would want it to be. I’m kind of in a place right now where I decided to stop dating and focus on saving money to leave the military and transition as soon as possible, but sometimes it’s so lonely and scary dealing with this by myself. It feels hopeless, and I’m so upset that I can’t just decide to transition of my own choice, and that I’m bound to external circumstances.

Does anyone have any small ways I can secretly transition while I’m in the military, just to cope enough so I can focus on making enough money to get out? I am thinking about going to trans social events, but I’m always looking over my shoulder and paranoid that someone from my unit will spot me and report me.

Honestly, I would really appreciate any advice on how I can cope with not being able to date guys as a guy. I don’t feel comfortable dating while I’m in the closet, but coping with this reality is so difficult and makes me depressed and hopeless. The only thing that makes me feel better is reading ftm mlm books, because I can at least fantasize about an alternate universe where a guy can love me the way I want him to. So if you have any suggestions please let me know.

Again, sorry if this subreddit isn’t a good place to post this. I’m just out of luck at the moment and hoping to find anyone that might be able to help me.

Edit: I know this situation is way too difficult to offer any advice for, but even if you just suggested good ftm mlm media for me to consume in order to cope, it would mean the world to me at this time. Books, comics, fanfiction, movies, tv shows, anything.