Knowingly wasting a lifetime occasion, because of anxiety. Am i doing the right thing?
24, I work at a mall. I suffer from anxiety and an especially extraordinary high levels of anxiety twoards sexuality.
I am receving attention and flirting from what i consider to be one of the most beautiful women ive ever met in my life that works there. Everytime I see her she smiles, calls me pretty, papacito or whatever, and i know for a fact she doesnt communicate this way with other people there, one of the last times a golleague of hers joked that she should leave "the two of us alone"
Shes in her 30s, breathtakingly beautiful, but I have a level of anxiety twoards sex that i feel sick and panic even at the mere thought of the possibilty of it. I am not kidding, i mean i get terrified of it.
So despite finding her incredibly attractive, i never flirted back. And felt scared of it all when she does.
I know people flirt just for fun or for joke, and its not necessarily that shes trying to hit on me, but she still goes on doing that despite me never having the bravery to flirt back. So she is either actually interested, or she thinks its fun the way i get shy about it.
In any case everytime it happens i get extreme levels of anxiety, i get absolutely terrified. I have to get multiple smoking breaks to cope. I find myself in the position that i have to let this occasion go because if i even remotely think about the possibilty of it i get so anxious i feel sick.
Id want to. But i cant, i really cant, if i even leave it open as a *possibility* i panic and feel sick, the only way i cannot go crazy is considering it a closed thing, outright deciding that i will never take a step in that direction, because otherwise i cannot handle it.
Its so awful. My whole youth has been fucking ruined by anxiety, and this is yet another proof. I am going through extreme negative thoughts about how im leading my life.
Im honest with myself, it is something i desire, but its not something i can mentally afford now. I am gonna hate myself in 10 years. But i already hate myself now.
PS: before someone implies that it is inappropriate of her, let me stop you by saying that i think she clearly sees that i appreciate her attention, i just get extremely anxious at the possibilities her attention could imply.