I'm inlove with my married boss.
I (F26) started working for the company a year ago. I'm one of the employees who's always early/arrives on time and the office is still a bit dark at 8am. He (M35) arrives early too, sometimes an hour after I arrive. I can always see him walk across the hallway and goes right into his office, but my cubicle is right before his room so he greets me every morning. He's very handsome, has a great style, wears glasses, very well-groomed, amazing at his job, and is freakishly intelligent (probably one of the smartest men I've met).
I've shared few work matters with him, but mostly I direct them to my manager, so we're not really that close and we don't talk much. I always see him talk with the other bosses, his secretary, some of my workmates whom he laughs with a lot. He's very great with people, no wonder I don't hear anything bad about him. But, I often hear some stuff about his life - like how he doesn't bring up his wife that much, how their marriage seems to be "arranged" or merely transactional. I don't know how much of the stories are true tho.
Then one day, I just find myself waiting for him to arrive in the morning, continuously looking by the door to see if it's him. We have several glances throughout the day too (feeds my delusion lol). Whenever I see him stressed at his office, I feel bad especially when there is a LOT of things to do - sometimes he goes home past 10pm, even 2am.
One night (11pm), when there were very few people in the office, he sat with us and asked if we wanted some pizza (we gladly said yes). The pizza arrived and most of my workmates went out to buy some coffee, and the only people left were me, him, and my friend who was on the other side of the office.
So me and him got to talking - typical work stuff, then went on about our lives, our past (he joked a lot and I didn't expect him to have such a good sense of humor). He asked many questions about me. I didn't want to ask about his marriage, too personal, but when my workmates arrived they said "you should go home sir, the missus might be waiting", and he said "nah, she doesn't care, for a loooong time," and we all went silent. I can see how tired and sad he is.
Then he went back to his office and we went home. On my drive home, all I kept thinking is how I wanted him to be happy. (This happened on my 10th month here).
Mornings before he arrives, I leave some snacks on his desk but I don't write a note or anything. I'm not trying to start anything because ofcourse, he's married. I just can't help it.
Sometimes I can't focus on my work because I keep thinking about him. A big part of me wants to resign so that my feelings don't develop into something serious.. or maybe it's serious already idk I don't want to know I can't sleep sometimes.
Out of all the men in the world, why am I liking someone I can't have?