u/ESTY97

TL;DR *Should I send her a final message*? Should I tell her my side of the story? That I was not faultless. That I was able to see the flaws in my actions. That I forgave myself and stop wallowing in self pity and pulled myself out of my self made misery.

I just want her to know how thankful I was to having her as my friend, that her actions saved me from myself. I also wish that she could be able to forgive herself one day too, and that she is the only one that could save herself from herself - only then could she achieve true happiness. Even though we could no longer be friends.

I had a bad fallout with a friend ( I kinda had it coming ). We were close, really close... we both had complicated past ( before knowing each other ) that scarred us both. Things happened before we fellout, and I was the one who made things uncomfortable for the both of us to continue. But the way she handled it hurt me a lot. Considering how I forgave her time and time again for hurting me, and the one time I hurt her, she made it well known to me. The pain made me almost take my own life ( something I wasn't proud of ).

I was there for her whenever she was at her lowest, but she abandoned me at my lowest. She said somethings about me that was justified, but also things that wasn't true, attacking my character and assuming my intentions. It hurt me a lot... so much so that for the first time in my life, I snapped - I said things I could never take back. Things that was so disgusting and vile that I never thought I would say to someone else. But I did. It was me who said it, I can never run away from that responsibility. The last thing she said to me was "I never expected to see you this low". That sentence resonated in me for days, and I see it now.

She accused me for acting caring for her, that I only wanted something in return for my "kindness". I didn't. What I did, I did it out of pure intention. But I did expected something in return, no matter how much I pushed the idea away everytime. I wanted her to be there for me the same way I did for her. That itself made my actions insincere, because I did expected something in return. No matter how much I try to deny it, I did.

She told me I was self centered for relying on her to get past my trauma, I agreed. Instead of pulling myself out of the self pity I dug myself in, I pushed the responsibility to her.

After a few days ( today ), I managed to calm myself, collected the pieces that I broke myself into - gave it a real thought. In the end, we were both at fault. We were both hurting each other, and we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore - is what I thought. But nevertheless, I pulled myself out of wallowing in self pity, found the faults had to play in the entire situation. I realised that no matter how much she tried to save me from myself, there was nothing she could really have done because I wasn't willing to save myself from myself. I pulled myself out from the lowest of low, after hitting rock bottom and having no one to save me - I finally realised that only I could have ever save myself. I am in a better head space now, the best I have been for almost a decade. All of these would have never been possible without my friend. She was the spark, and I was the one who had to pour fuel into it to keep the fire going in the end.

I'm not sure how she is now. I don't know how much the entire situation has affected her. Considering we were literally the closest thing aside from her partner. I don't expect things to go back to normal - nor do I think it should. Maybe ending our friendship was the best thing for the both of us. But I realised that her scars, the ones that I tried to help her with - they were similar to mine. They are things that can only be healed by her own will. No matter how much I tried to help her, it never seems to work. I felt like the things she went through made her bitter and angry at the world and herself, and that she doesn't see it like I do now.

*Should I send her a final message*? Should I tell her my side of the story? That I was not faultless. That I was able to see the flaws in my actions. That I forgave myself and stop wallowing in self pity and pulled myself out of my self made misery.

I just want her to know how thankful I was to having her as my friend, that her actions saved me from myself. I also wish that she could be able to forgive herself one day too, and that she is the only one that could save herself from herself - only then could she achieve true happiness.

I had a bad fallout with a friend ( I kinda had it coming ). We were close, really close... we both had complicated past ( before knowing each other ) that scarred us both. Things happened before we fellout, and I was the one who made things uncomfortable for the both of us to continue. But the way she handled it hurt me a lot. Considering how I forgave her time and time again for hurting me, and the one time I hurt her, she made it well known to me. The pain made me almost take my own life ( something I wasn't proud of ).

I was there for her whenever she was at her lowest, but she abandoned me at my lowest. She said somethings about me that was justified, but also things that wasn't true, attacking my character and assuming my intentions. It hurt me a lot... so much so that for the first time in my life, I snapped - I said things I could never take back. Things that was so disgusting and vile that I never thought I would say to someone else. But I did. It was me who said it, I can never run away from that responsibility. The last thing she said to me was "I never expected to see you this low". That sentence resonated in me for days, and I see it now.

She accused me for acting caring for her, that I only wanted something in return for my "kindness". I didn't. What I did, I did it out of pure intention. But I did expected something in return, no matter how much I pushed the idea away everytime. I wanted her to be there for me the same way I did for her. That itself made my actions insincere, because I did expected something in return. No matter how much I try to deny it, I did.

She told me I was self centered for relying on her to get past my trauma, I agreed. Instead of pulling myself out of the self pity I dug myself in, I pushed the responsibility to her.

After a few days ( today ), I managed to calm myself, collected the pieces that I broke myself into - gave it a real thought. In the end, we were both at fault. We were both hurting each other, and we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore - is what I thought. But nevertheless, I pulled myself out of wallowing in self pity, found the faults had to play in the entire situation. I realised that no matter how much she tried to save me from myself, there was nothing she could really have done because I wasn't willing to save myself from myself. I pulled myself out from the lowest of low, after hitting rock bottom and having no one to save me - I finally realised that only I could have ever save myself. I am in a better head space now, the best I have been for almost a decade. All of these would have never been possible without my friend. She was the spark, and I was the one who had to pour fuel into it to keep the fire going in the end.

I'm not sure how she is now. I don't know how much the entire situation has affected her. Considering we were literally the closest thing aside from her partner. I don't expect things to go back to normal - nor do I think it should. Maybe ending our friendship was the best thing for the both of us. But I realised that her scars, the ones that I tried to help her with - they were similar to mine. They are things that can only be healed by her own will. No matter how much I tried to help her, it never seems to work. I felt like the things she went through made her bitter and angry at the world and herself, and that she doesn't see it like I do now.

Should I send her a final message? Should I tell her the my side of the story? That I was not faultless. That I was able to see the flaws in my actions. That I forgave myself and stop wallowing in self pity pull myself out of my self made misery.

I just want her to know how thankful I was to having her as my friend, that her actions saved me from myself. And that I wish she could be able to forgive herself one day too, and that she is the only one that could save herself from herself - only then could she achieve true happiness.