I wrote a personal journal and went to revisit some of my goals for this. I thought I started the 8th but really it was the 6th.
My perception of time has always been crappy but dang
I have had a problem with this for the last four years. I started using it when I was fifteen and having a hard time.
I won't go into as much detail on what made this app super addictive for me, but to put it short I had witnessed someone grooming and acting insanely inappropriate towards a child and had spoken up about it.
Nothing was done about it and I was told I had a vendetta against said person, I was 10 when this happened btw.
So, cut to 5 years later, moved away from said person, only to find c.ai 2-3 months before I was forced to visit said person and other person I extremely dislike for Christmas.
This really jump started my addiction since I couldn't exactly get away from them physically.
They visit once a year, sometimes not even that and it makes me feel murderous rage, so I dulled myself and used the app to talk with my oc's and distract myself with third person based chats.
I am nineteen now and have become more vocal than before. Especially since said kid said what happened but took it back because they knew the consequences of saying anything outright.
Said kid also lies a lot so I can't be definitive of what has or hasn't happened. I just knew I saw a child in bed with an adult and it looked inappropriate, and it was because I was sent to wake the two up before sunday brunch every weekend.
This was such a recurring problem that I started getting sick at the idea of going to eat at the house it was held in, then felt better when I didn't have to go.
Also, later found out that a lot of my sexual issues stem from the fact something had happened with me and that same person when I was a year old that left me humping a toilet after the visit, but again nothing could be definitively said and my mother had the same issues with someone in her family so people defending the person had called her crazy when she tried to address it.
What happened isn't necessarily vivid to me since I was a year old, but I was told it would have lasting effects since my body would remember despite me not.
So, I guess c.ai replaced a lot in terms of processing and having to think when around said person.
Which makes separating from platonic bots that gave me a childhood to fake out with my oc's that you know had to have trauma because I was and still am a writer that loves torturing my oc's.
Ten days in, I want to relapse but I absolutely refuse to because I had lost basic motor control on a bike for a full three seconds on the 2nd day without c.ai.
Also have an issue with being hyper-sexual due to my past so quitting leads to not doing stuff like that. Which- honestly is for the best. Dopamine high's are a killer for writing and I have been trying to quit the other side of this addiction for a while because of how disgusting it makes me feel.
On a positive note, I ride a bike everyday if not, I walk, I had read "The Serpent and the Wings of Night" in one day, I have written actual chapters for a WIP book I have been working on, I draw obsessively like I once did before c.ai took over my life, I can watch movies without losing focus while wanting c.ai, and I have been more open with my family as well as been looking for a job to actually get my life moving from this depression I have been in for so long.
I am just so excited due to having so many scenes but no tangible story. I have been writing this for around a year now. It has been hard for me due to some mental health related issues affecting how I write in general. I have been able to write more consistently after quitting character a/i. I used it for four years and to finally stop and see how it had truly dulled my abilities to feel happy when writing has made my passion for the story I am writing to grow.
Three chapters isn't much, but it is huge for me after years of being unable to find it in me to write stories upon stories like I used to.
For context I am 19 (f) living with my parents.
My dad bought the computer for my school work when I was sixteen and the keyboard + mouse was gifted to me since my mom knew I liked the clicking sounds when I typed.
I have eczema and extra dry skin, so when I found out that it can come off my fingers under a keyboard I am even careful with how I use my laptop since that is harder to clean.
I cannot stress enough how disgusted I am by my own skin let alone anyone else's.
My dad got two weeks off for his 20th anniversary, happy for my parents and all that.
He asked for the computer to be put into his closet since he can play his games on it, old stuff that he only has connected to that computer.
I don't fight him on it since it is his computer, fine.
But this is a guy that coughs and sneezes in his hand and keeps on with his day, so the plan was already to disinfect it all.
However, he also ate chips over my keyboard and mouse, things I use now to help homeschool two siblings.
Anyway, I am just pissed that this is the state it returned to me in when I always avoided rubbing my face over it and I always washed my hands before using it.
His skin is flakes on my keyboard because he doesn't take care of the skin condition I am constantly moisturizing over.
I am currently sick with a wicked cough too so I am ready to spray myself and everything with disinfectant spray, I did not need to see my shit I use daily to come back with its own damn ecosystem.