u/East_Let1648

I have recently moved to the west coast where a lot of my extended family members live. Two of my 2nd cousins are biracial as their father is white. All the elderly people in my family are constantly complementing their blue eye colour, light skin and tall stature. They even got the nickname “Hollywood stars”. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as not having proximity to whiteness makes me the plane Jane.

One of my younger cousins mentioned waiting to be a physiotherapist if getting into medicine doesn’t work out. My aunt responded“ You only live once, realize your fullest potential “. As if being a doctor is the only noble profession in the entire health system.

It feels you are only good looking if you fit the Eurocentric beauty standards, only smart if you are staying ahead of the curve on standardized board exams by getting accepted into the most selective programs in the country. All the younger nieces and nephews only want to date white as a result.

I feel like there is a lot of internalized racism and trauma that is shaping those preferences. We South Asians need to stay connected to our roots if we want to develop a strong sense of self.

Growing up, I have always been excluded and ostracized but has been completely clueless as to why. I was the kid in class who didn’t receive the birthday invite, got ignored, picked last in the gym etc etc. However, i brushed those experiences off and attributed it to always being the “new kid” in class as I moved around a lot due to my father’s profession.

Moving into adulthood, I am slowly realizing that i have a ton of acquaintances yet zero friends. Haven’t been asked to be anyone’s bridesmaid, godmother to anyone’s child nor asked to join any girls trip. Scrolling through my social media feed I realized my graduating cohort from high school and college are still strongly in touch. Nobody added me to any group chat.

Now moving onto current workplace. I feel like i am quite friendly towards everyone and always help people out whenever they need anything. However, very few actively reaches out to me or initiate a conversation. Nobody asks for my availability to go out for a drink. Nobody saves me a seat to sit next to them.

I feel like i cant be that bad as i work in sales which involves people. My clients love me , my husband loves me to death and i get offered most jobs that I interview for.

I might struggle a bit with listening and taking over people as i might have undiagnosed ADHD.

However, i think i bring insight, humor , perspective, empathy and love towards every conversation i hold and everyone around me.

I feel like being a CA or a BA at an RBC branch is already extremely demanding. We are constantly dealing with upset customers all day, some clients are elderly who like things done a particular way, newcomer with language barriers , frauds and counterfeit cheques. On top of all that, most of our systems are down or super slow half day. We experience high staff turnover, so we have to constantly train new people on top of doing our regular duties.
We are expected to close large volume of sales and do tons of admin work ( estates, power of attorney, business AML )
I feel branch leaders rarely acknowledge our hard work. If sales are down by a bit, a bad survey comes in, or some leads have not been actioned , they immediately start to threaten termination, PIP or do other forms of passive aggressive bullying.

Some employees are also very competitive and hostile towards each other. They are fighting over clients to bump up their “sales numbers”. Should we not be working towards a collective goal as “one RBC”?

Another issue is myAdvisor!! None of my leaders know how to use it properly and it’s super annoying to use. Yet we are expected to use that platform for deeper client discovery and relationship development.

I feel dialling down on sales pressure and developing a trust system would boost employee morale and retention. Not the high level of micromanagement and breathing down the necks of all employees.

My husband and I are both Canadian citizens. I grew up in Canada and my family is mostly settled across North America. My husband was born and raised in India. My in-laws are still in india. My husband is an only child so my father in law is selling off his business as he won’t have an heir to look after it. They have a huge bungalow and the upkeep is done by caregivers.

I am thinking once our child is in high school, we could all move to India for a year to experience life there and be close to his side of the family. It will be like a one year foreign exchange program for our son. He will have an immersive experience by navigating the local education system, transit network , cuisine, people and culture for a full year.
I believe by living in the 1st world, we take a lot of things for granted but moving there would humble him and broaden his horizons.

The only dilemma that I am facing is if i enrol him into an expensive international school, he won’t get an exposure to the authentic way of life but be put in the upperclass bubble that will perpetuate classism. However, that would be the least disruptive option in terms of academic integration because the curriculum would be likely be similar.
I am open to exploring other curriculums that focus less on rote memorization and more on critical thinking and analysis. Sending him off to a moderately expensive school with good teachers and facilities would give him a realistic glimpse into the everyday lives of local students. Our son is bilingual in both english and the mother tongue.

Would it be a good idea to move? Has anyone ever done this ?

I mostly see 3 types of desi parenting.

One type wants their children to be “fully American
” or assimilated. They speak english at home, eat with forks, spoons & knives, those parents even adopt American values by giving their children the independence to have sleepovers, start dating in their early teens and wear whatever they wish to. They run marathons, go camping and fishing.
However, they still tend to be demand academic excellence due to being upper class.

2nd type speak their native language at home, eat with hands, maybe attend temple/mosque irregularly, cook desi food, watch desi news and discuss Desi politics at home. Those parents often have the humility to understand that they have travelled thousands of miles away to a new land for a new life so their children can’t be fully “desi”.

The 3rd type is mostly authoritarian and religious type. It’s rare in America but more common in Canada. I feel it’s mostly found in Pakistani and Bangladeshi Muslim families ( not ALL). Expecting their children to marry a 1st cousin from back home, wear the hijab, eat only halal or honour killings. It’s extreme and rare but make the headlines!!
Some Hindu parents also fall into the 3rd category. Mine expected me to dress modestly, sound soft/feminine, taught me to read and write in my native tongue so I could marry within my culture , filial piety and obey your parents bullshit. Only acceptable career option is a doctor so they could brag about it to their desi friends. Also forced me to sing kirtons at the temple every month and choreograph dances at all the temple events. Later posted it on facebook to show how “cultural” their kids are in faraway land.