MCA I dream of a different life
Some people who know me personally might tell me how ungrateful I am for the privilege I have now even with my disability.. They might tell me na ‘di na lang ako magpasalamat kasi I have a stable
life, na may nagmamahal sa’kin, na I have a roof on my head and food to eat, and being able to plainly afford what I need and sometimes what I want.
Pero hindi ko ganito nakita ang sarili ko before. When I was younger. Dati nakakalabas pa ako ng bahay mag-isa. Hindi ko kailangan ng maga-assist sa’kin. I have the physical capacity to live alone, and also have the guts to leave my secretly dysfunctional family and never look back.
Dati I dreamed of more than what I am experiencing now, how I’m living right now. And hanggang ngayon nasa isip ko pa rin ‘yung what if I get to live that life? Yes, I will have obligations and responsibilities more than I have now, pero hindi ba that’s part of life?
I feel guilty of not wanting the life I have now. Kasi pakiramdam ko others would just shame me kasi regardless of my disability, masarap pa rin ang buhay ko kumpara sa iba. Laging kumpara sa iba.
But what if I want the imperfections of life in a normal sense? Not this kind of imperfection… not a hindrance to something normal?
What if I want to make mistakes? Kiss the wrong person, be rejected at a corporate job, live 9-5, party at a bar, wake up in another city, etc. I know it’s all romanticized in my head but what if I can just live like someone else for a day just to know how it feels to be normal?
I wish I had a different life… maybe I’ll be happier then.