u/EasyCheesecake1

A few years ago I got depressed at realizing I was about to turn 50, what had I done with my life? Was it all down hill now? Should I just quit? My wife suggested we split up the day after my 50th birthday.

Perhaps ironically the challenge of starting a new life with my own (rented) place to live pulled me out of feeling my life should end although the feelings occasionally come back.

My social life is pretty good, I have friends and go to a lot of gigs but no one is that close, no one to have a heart to heart talk with, and a lot of people I socialize with are younger than me. Yesterday I was talking to someone and they said something negative about old people, then looked at me and said 'no offence'. F*ck, I am 'old people' now.

Since Christmas I've felt numb, like my emotions are limited and believe I'll die alone, often I think I'll die when I'm 55. I'm 53 now, it's not melodramatic it just feels like a good age to go before I fall apart, get sick and ugly and just tired of nothing changing. I have no work ambition and am 11 years from retirement but the idea horrifies me of being old and poor and alone. I sometimes fantasize about my own death, how I'll set things up, how people will find out, what will they think?

I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

I came out late in life and an nonbinary (agender) and pansexual. I made a lot of friends and have lovely times with a queer 40+ social group who are mostly women and a few NBs.

I feel young but recently have had a few negative experiences with younger people, I went to a trans/NB dinner and left early as I felt like an outsider, I've been before and enjoyed it, but on this occasion everyone seemed a trans woman at least 20 years younger and I struggled to engage as I felt like they were being a clique.

Then yesterday I saw Girli and queued to get a CD signed, a trans/femboi nearby I'd said hello to and chatted briefly with suddenly was kurt and cut me off talking to them as a couple of their young friends had joined them.

I feel bad about getting old and that I missed out on being young and pretty but now I'm feeling like I'm ostracized by the trans people I had previously got on with. I see a lot about elder queers being respected but I'm not feeling it! I know myself well, I've done CBT! and can be a socially paranoid but don't believe it's that. I do feel snubbed as I get older.

I see so many posts and comments where people say how they always knew they were gay or I knew I was bi from about six or I always knew I was a girl (trans)..

I didn't. I spent most of my life thinking I was comfortably cisgender and heterosexual. Whilst always open minded I don't have any anecdotes or clues to say 'I knew' or was in denial.

Things just started changing in my mind and how I felt at age 50, I became genderqueer then non binary (agender) and shortly after pansexual.

But a few years before I'd have been really surprised to know how my life would change.. I sometimes wonder.. how did this happen?! (Of course I'm proud and wish it had happened far sooner).

Anyone else?