u/Eclipse-TGFS

Things have drastically changed since the last time I posted here, life has gotten harder, free time has gotten shorter, and in the midst of it all I'm still trying.

You may be asking 'Who are you?', to that, my answer is...

I am Eclipse, I previously posted here under u/TheGoldenFoxStudios and u/Glamrock_Bonnie_Dev. For reasons I will not go into, I had to sadly abandon and delete the u/TheGoldenFoxStudios account.

In the past few months a TON has changed, I graduated HS, figured out that I'm trans, enrolled in college, got off a med I'd been taking for a bit over a year(found out it had positive and negative side effects), had my college orientation, and start college next month.

Through all that, I have still managed to take what time I can to write fanfics. The one thing that anchors me in this rocky sea. And if not for the fans of my writings I don't believe I would have had the strength to push through all the bs life throws at me. I have much more planned in the future.

I genuinely need help with stuff though, I am trying to make a safe subreddit/place to ask agere and petre questions but that can't be done without two things, one, the ground work and two, a mod team. If you are interested in helping form it please feel free to reach out either through the mod mail of r/AskRegression(the sub), or by directly PMing me.

For those who just want to read one or more of my fanfics they can be found here.

So to start, I made a post a while back, just asking for general advice about trans stuff.

Well, a few days ago I pretty much got confirmation that my mother is transphobic. This came as little surprise to me, as she has and continues to use my dead/birth name even after I turned 18; the reason is always that she likes it and that she picked it out.

Anyways, as to how I found out. I was at dinner with her and one of her friends, and I saw a post on Twitter from a trans content creator; a trans phob replied to the post and was murdered by words in a reply to them. I wanted to make fun of it with them cause both are very openly supportive of the rest of the community. Somehow we got to the topic of trans rights and stuff, then my mother said what confirmed she was trans phobic, that being trans women shouldn't be in women's sports. She even went as far as to say they are men because they have the build of men(muscles and extra strength that men do), so they should have their own categories. Her friend we were with agreed.

This hit me EXTREMELY hard cause one of her friends is gay, and so is one of her friend's friends. To top this, she's told me in the past that she will love me no matter how I identify.

At least I know not to come out to her. However, I am now at an unfortunate roadblock. I have 2.5 years of college ahead of me(starting Sep 3)... 2.5 years where I could use paying like $50 in rent to have a roof over my head. The issue is that I want to start HRT soon, but 2.5 YEARS is long enough that the effects could begin to be noticeable. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place cause I have a job that pays $13.50 an hour but moving out would be difficult as market value for a 1 bed apartment in my area is $900+ just to rent, and that doesn't include utilities, then you also have groceries and other necessities, and unfortunately Tenn Care doesn't cover GAC meaning I'd need new health insurance, then on the other side there's tons of other risks, like being kicked out, disowned, ect. I have one friend that has stayed true, but his family is religious(Christians, same as my family, excluding me and at least 2 of my 3 cousins), meaning I can't stay with them. I have a bank account; I just haven't changed it to be only in my name yet.

Any advice for how to proceed cause 2.5 years would be a lot of time wasted. I also don't think I'd be able to fight the suicidal thoughts for that much longer; there have already been days where I have actually considered ending it all cause I feel like I'll never be my true self.

Sorry for the simi depressed rant; I just hate my life so much cause I know I'll never be accepted by my family on either side.

TLDR: My life sucks, my mother is trans phobic, and I don't know what to do.

I(18M) think I'm trans; however, I'm not sure and scared to see a therapist because I live in the US, and specifically in a state that is heavily anti Trans(they even passed anti trans laws at the beginning of this month).

​

I really need advice on how to proceed, how to deal with the dysphoria secretly, etc.

​

I want some peace. I nearly cry sometimes because of this.

What did I do to deserve this?

​

Some stuff worth mentioning:

​

• I feel a lot more confident when wearing feminine clothes(the more I wear the more confident I am, though a sports bra is the farthest I go after being caught and having the majority of my clothes thrown out)

• I dislike how masculine I have to be for society

• I've bounced between gender identities

• If given the option to switch my gender, I'd happily take it

​

Sorry if this post comes off as weird, I just don't know what to do. I'm lost, nothing works, and I can't do anything about it. Any help is greatly appreciated.