u/Efficient-Toe3272

I’m a 42/f with an 8 month old, and 46/m partner. I grew up on Long Island but moved out to California in 2004, when I was 20. I had a tumultuous upbringing, mostly bc of my father. My mother’s choice to stay with him also made me feel uneasy with her. Collectively, this is what inspired my move across the country. My entire family is still on LI (mom, dad, brother and sister). While there is pain from my folks, I know that both my parents love me very much and have also done great things for me; they’re complex humans and I can see that now more than ever. I’m very close with my brother, and miss him terribly. Him and his wife are trying to get pregnant. My sister and me have a good relationship and I’m a good auntie to her three kids.

I feel so torn as to whether to move closer to them. I don’t like Long Island so if I were to move I’d likely go to the Hudson valley\Catskills area. I live in Northern California and have a pretty nice life here. However my core friends all moved away a few years ago and my new friend circle is still feeling a bit superficial in some ways. I know it takes time to develop deep bonds, but I find I feel I’m missing something and am searching for it in my friendships. The thing I’m missing is family-feeling like I’m truly seen and valued for who I am..: and the feeling of being known. I want to have dinners with my brother, see my nieces sports games, help my mom out, etc. But the idea of moving across country feels so daunting. I also want my daughter to know her maternal roots.

My partner and I are going to NY for a visit soon and I’m thinking we should check out upstate to see how it vibes with us. Last time I visited LI I had a pretty bad experience which solidified that CA is my home. But now I’m waffling in the other direction. I’ve been experiencing this guilt, and back and forth feelings for 22 years (since I’ve lived in CA). I really wish my brother would just move here but that’s not happening. Another thing to add, my dad is developing Alzheimer’s and my mom is getting old too. Maybe the move is to go over there for a few years and rent our house so we have some options after we give it a try. I say all this like it’s easy! My partner has a good job that is relatively new. My career has a lot of flexibility, his less so.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice? Thanks for reading 💜!

Me 41 F and my boyfriend 46 M have been together for 1.5 years and have a 6 month old. You can do that math… we got pregnant quickly, and decided to keep the baby because (A) we felt really good about each other and the relationship, and (B) both wanted to be parents.

Now we have a six month old whom we absolutely adore. However, things have come up in our relationship that, had we not had a baby together, I might not stick around for. He is controlling and insecure. However-we’re about to start couples therapy and I’m genuinely hopeful he will get more secure and loosen up.

He’s a good man. Loyal, sweet, hard working. However I’m not very mentally stimulated and it doesn’t feel very fun. I often don’t feel the rush of excitement to spend time with him or like we have our own savory connection. Rather it feels like a not very romantic partnership where we’re building a family. We have our doses of romance and desire too no doubt. But in general it’s feeling flat.

That being said, I do care for him and I want to keep the family as a unit. Nothing egregious has occurred for me to want to split. How can I learn to love him and make the best of this? I have some thoughts but curious from folks who have been in this situation or similar. Thanks!