u/EkelhaftRote

I wish he would tell me that he’s sorry for making me feel this way or take some kind of accountability. Truth is he gets angry with the way I react to his infidelity instead of taking accountability for his actions. I’m emotionally drained, before it was me smothering him with hugs and kisses and now I can’t even stand hugging him. He asked me yesterday why I am so serious all the time and no longer the happy hyper person I was before, why I avoid him and don’t like to sit down and hear him out anymore. I wished he would miss me and everything I do for him, I wish he would feel my absence and regret what he did but I doubt he would even care if we separated. I’m slowly coming to that decision, after my baby is born I’m leaving. I always wished to become this man’s wife but now I don’t even want that. I no longer wear my engagement ring and will no longer go the extra mile for him.

Back in April I accidentally stumbled upon some pictures my boyfriend had posted on a subreddit here called JOBuddies or something like that and on another subreddit where people meet at a sex shop to have sex with each other . I decided to leave the relationship because I no longer wanted to commit to someone who continuously chose to find pleasure outside of the relationship(throughout the relationship he has been talking to strangers online, wanted to meet up with them, stalking his ex’s instagram, keeping pictures of her ass, ect.) me finding his posts was the last straw for me. I calmly explained to him that I no longer wanted to be with him and that it would be best if he and I separated.

He did come clean to me and admitted that he has a porn addiction problem. A problem that started since he was young and still proceeded to follow him to adulthood making it impossible to go on his normal day to day routine without feeling like he needed to watch it or jack off. He admitted he needed help and so far it seems like things have been ok. He seems more clear minded and I want to believe he is changing. However I went through that subreddit when I initially found his posts and I found it weird since it was men asking other men to jack off with each other or suck each other off and now I’m questioning his sexual orientation.

I did ask him yesterday why he posted on that and he told me that when he would jack off it was something that he did without thinking because he was looking for something else to get him off. As for the whole sex shop meet up he said the same thing and has promised that he never met up with anybody. He told me he is not gay or bi curious. I want to believe him and I want to trust him but my heart has doubts. I don’t know how to support him but he seems honest, he no longer gets mad when I ask him for reassurance simply admitting that it is embarrassing for him to talk about but he reassures me that he is trying his best to keep up with the recovery process. He added that he would never put my health in jeopardy but his porn addiction has made him watch some things that are embarrassing.

I just don’t know what to feel or think anymore. I keep having triggers, scared to find him posting on those pages and me having an account on here doesn’t make it easy. I struggle with going to those subreddits to find reassurance and get scared to find him on there again. I hate that. I don’t want to live this way with him. I love him and we’re gonna have a baby due in 2 months. I just need advice….