u/ElectricRing

I know that other people have faced this issue, but wanted to get others input.

I have a common first and last name, there are 54 people on the metro area I live in with the same first and last name as me, and two that are around my age. This is information you can verify online in 10 seconds for free on google.

I went on a fairly good first date with a woman and I detected a bit of change in tone from her before the date, and a bit of evasiveness about scheduling the next date. l just figured she had changed her mind for whatever reason and let it be.

Well a few days later she texts me to tell me she found problematic arrest record doing a background check. Now I am not going to claim I am an angel, but I have never been arrested for anything and my youthful indiscretions were over 30 years ago. I was really taken a back.

I said as much, and she had run a background check without knowing my full name and chose not to use my phone number that she has. She apparently paid for this background check.

So I told her my full name, which wasn’t a match for the guy with an extensive criminal background. She admitted this was all a bad look.

I don’t have a problem with someone running a background check, but honestly this sloppily run background check rubs me the wrong way. What does it say about this person I barely know? Do I want to continue to get to know her after this?

Now I am a bit paranoid that every woman that has declined on me thinks I have an extensive criminal record. Gah! I don’t really want to have to “try and get in front of this” because there is no way to say anything about a background check without it being suspicious. Should I rethink this?

So I match with this woman and we chatted briefly and she said she had some professional stuff she had to focus on. Cool, whatever.

She pooped back up after and started asking me a bunch of questions. First up was the political thing because she leans left, registers Green Party voter, ask me what my affiliation was. I told her I am a social Democrat.

Then she come back with this long message about her political activism, gay friends, immigrant rights, social justice, all this stuff, and asked how I felt about it. Obviously she is trying to filter out MAGA people which I get. I generally agree with her politically, but…

Then she continues asking me if I like to travel, have I struggled with addiction, and what my credit score is.

I mean I get wanting to know these things, but this really seems like. A lot. I can elaborate on all these topics but I don’t really feel like investing this much when we haven’t even agreed to meet in person.

For me the everyday, do we get along, can we have fun together, do we share the way we look at life are far more important to me. I do care about this stuff, but not before I know if I even am interested in seeing her more than once.

My initial instinct is to just tell her this is over the top and wish her well. But just wondering about other perspectives. Am I missing anything here?

I have essentially very similar profiles, same pics, similar bio and prompts on a few dating sites on a large metropolitan area. Hinge and Facebook dating are the other two I am currently using and I get way more matches on the other platforms. I’ve gotten few matches on bumble, way less than the other platforms since I started dating again about 3 months ago.

My account is free, I have fairly wide age filter with the 2 year expansion, distance filter that encompasses most of the metro area (same as on the other sites), and the interests filter set to “show others if I run out.”

My stack runs out of people after like 5-6 people a day. It seems like there just aren’t many people on bumble anymore. Is this something other people are seeing?

So I date in parallel and make an effort to take early dating slow. Recent experience illustrates why. I meet a woman and we started with a coffee date. It went well and we both enjoyed each other’s company. I however was still lining up dates with other people. Many of these dates were a pass from me for various reasons. Still talking to a bunch of people on the apps, screening and working towards more dates.

So with this woman, we had our second date. Went great, we went out to dinner, and had some great deep conversations about a bunch of topics. I started to learn a few things about her. Certainly there were some questions, but I liked spending times with her. We ended up extending our date. Gave her a kiss at the end of the night. I had expressed the take it slow approach which she was receptive to but may not have been her natural instinct.

Third date comes around and things are heating up between us. We had another great date, lots of good conversation, and she ended up spending the night at my house. We spent the next morning talking over coffee.

This whole time she is giving me lots of positive reinforcement, and I am reciprocating but not being over the top about it. You know it’s all just chill. I set up a fourth date with her.

Then yesterday while I am out in the woods picking mushrooms, I return to a text stating that she has feelings for someone else. She said lots of very complementary things about me, but canceled our date and that was it.

Do I know what is really going on? Nope. Could be the truth, could be she just wasn’t feeling it. No way for me to know. But I have three other dates lined up including one last night, I didn’t get emotionally invested, didn’t start projecting anything onto this woman. I am not hurt or upset.

Perhaps a bit disappointed because I did like her more than anyone else recently. But that’s how it goes. Do I feel like she used me for sex because we spent one night together and she bounced? Not really.

But it’s important to me to get to know someone slowly over time, before getting too invested. I want the person to show me who they are. I also need to know that the physical aspects of a relationship with this person work for me. That’s why I date the way I do.

I know this wouldn’t work for everyone. What works for you?