u/ElkResponsible7408

Assalamu alaikum. I am 33, SAHM married 9 years and with two kids. I grew up in the west and had a job and was very independent prior to marriage. Even in the first few years of marriage, I financially took care of everything (husband didn’t want to work, and his parents didn’t push him to).

When we got married, my husband gave me the impression that this marriage would be a partnership. My money would be his money, and his money would be my money. We would make decisions together, etc. He knew that I was a very independent person. I never hid that from him. And he had add accepted that.

Although I am independent person, I did change a good bit of myself to suit his needs. I learned to cook many dishes, I cleaned, I even took care of the kids with 0 help from him. I tried my best to make life easier for him. But it wasn’t enough for him.

He cheated one way or another over the years, but this year was the worst. He met up with someone from Tinder several times and was physical. I found numerous messages from females on his phone, even just days ago. He had promised to stop, but his excuse is that he feels lonely/he is talking with them to understand me better.

He made some online friends about a year ago, and they have really started to affect him. One of his friends smacks his wife around, and now my husband thinks that that’s okay. He even thinks that cheating is no big deal - and he turns around and blames me for his actions. But the worst is - he suddenly says he wants me to “obey” and “respect” him.

I don’t even know what that means. Whenever he made a major life choice (moving, financial, jobs), I wouldn’t tell him “no”. I dutifully followed along. I don’t even go to my family without asking for permission. I already feel like a child in this marriage, but now he demands even more?

Even the imam at the masjid told him that he lost his “dignity” and should put me in my place, simply because I’m asking him to reflect and go to therapy.

I feel like this whole marriage is a lie. I gave up on all of my dreams and ambitions so that he could focus on his. But even that is not good enough. At this point, I feel like he almost wants a servant. And I did not sign up for that. I’m just utterly exhausted and want to leave. I don’t even eat these days, due to the emotional turmoil.

Together 9 years with 2 amazing children. But he threw it all away to speak/have sex with women.

It hurts so much. I stood by his side through everything. I held his hand and helped him get started in this country. I was patient, even when he didn’t lift a finger when it came to the kids. I was patient when he pressured me to help him start & run his business - for no pay. I was patient when he went on solo vacations while I took care of the kids and home.

And yet, he says that I didn’t do enough for him. He blames me for him consistently cheating on me (even when I was pregnant). He says that I didn’t give him time, yet he was always on his phone, talking with friends. He doesn’t even give attention to our kids.

It just sucks that he doesn’t want to face what he has done. Yes, I made my mistakes. But I didn’t choose to break this covenant - over and over and over again.

Even his family said that they “love” me. Yet they were happy to see me breaking my back to make their son/brother happy. I’m just so angry at them all. But most of all, I am sorry that my daughters will have to suffer the consequences of his actions. It’s just not fair.

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have two girls, ages 5&6. My husband has had anger all throughout our marriage, but it has progressively gotten worse.

I recently found out that he cheated on me several times with a woman from Tinder, when I was out of town visiting my Mom. I have also found videos between him and other women - all of them being inappropriate. He swore up and down that he was done, but I was slow to trust him, because he has had a history of speaking with women.

It turns out I was right to not forgive him quickly, because I just discovered conversations between him and another woman. He doesn’t know that I know. But I am working on finding a way to get out. I am a SAHM and want to get back into the workforce, but I cannot apply for much until my younger daughter starts school in the fall.

My husband has noticed that I have been very withdrawn, and today he asked me if I still love him. I didn’t say much. This caused him to grab me and force me into a hug (while he was undressed, mind you), and when I tried to pull back, he placed his hands roughly around my neck, smiled, and acted like he was choking me. He didn’t let up for a second or two, but he did let go when I told him that it wasn’t funny.

I have tried to speak with a few domestic abuse places about asking for help for me and my girls, but they say that they cannot do much unless he physically hurts me. And without any marks on my body, threats of abuse just don’t seem to be dire enough.

I’m just at a loss with what to do. With no access to finances and no family nearby, I’m really struggling with figuring out how to get out safely. In addition, I know that the court system often gives 50/50 automatically (even though he has never cared for them a day in his life), and that also terrifies me.

Note: my husband does have a gun in the home, as well as a machete. He has “jokingly” threatened me with both in the past. He has also threatened suicide recently.