u/Emergency-Bobcat-572

So I've suspected that i have bpd for a while now because I have a lot of traits (seeking validation and attention, emptiness etc.) The one part i dont relate to is that ive never been able to seek validaion through romantic relationships and sex. Unfortunately for me, I'm not exactly the prettiest girl and I've been told to my face that I'm ugly. I've never received romantic attention or validation of any kind and I feel like it's slowly driving me crazy.

I'm in my early 20s (with an INSANELY high sex drive) and I feel like I'm the only woman that's never been in a relationship or is still a virgin at this age. I just want to know what it would feel like for someone to desire and want ME. I want to know what it's like to feel sexually desired. I am very hypersexual and I basically have no outlet for it. The only low stakes way I know to get the attention and validation I want is to post online. I come from a very religious family and that's the only way I can do it without them ever finding out. I can't exactly go out there and meet people because I'm 1. Not attractive and 2. Scared that they'd find me if I were on a dating app. Any advice from someone that has gone through the same would be appreciated

I don't know how to put this without sounding weird but I've always felt this way. Growing up I was always mocked by boys my age due to my looks (black and fat). I went to a school with predominantly other poc (99.9% not black) and I received a lot of racism. I never dated or received attention or validation and didn't have good friends either. This has impacted my self esteem into my adulthood.

I wish I could get over it but I'm still perceived as unattractive. At a certain point, I stopped caring about my looks because I knew it was pointless and no matter what I did, people would find me ugly. The ironic thing is that I don't think im ugly at all. I perceive myself as pretty and my family compliments my looksbut it's hard to believe when only they say it. I've never been in a relationship even at my age and I feel like the older I get, the more of a red flag it will be.

I can't help feeling sometimes that if I were beatiful, I would have the corrective experiences I need to heal my trauma. That if I were thinner or lighter skinned (tbf, I don't think these things are inherently better or prettier but society does) I wouldn't br struggling as I am rn. I feel like my loneliness is going to kill me and idk why but I seem to repel people no matter what I do. When I was in school, I was desperate for friends and a hard-core people pleaser and I had to try soooo hard for what came easily to other people. People that aren't perceived as attractive are always said to compensate wth personality, but I feel like my personality is bad too. I feel cursed sometimes lmao.

I don't know what to do atp and the only way I feel like I'll get better is by becoming more attractive so that people finally treat me well and I finally get the love and acceptance that I crave.

I was very lonely in childhood and I always thought that when I grow up I would finally find friends and community. I'm turning 23 soon and that hasn't happened. At this point I'm resigned to the fact that I will never change. My wounds are so deep and I get triggered so easily that nothing will ever be different for me.

The only friend I had has recently stopped talking to me and barely responds to my texts anymore. I've never been in a relationship nor have I received validation in that way and its messed me up so much.

I feel like it's too late for me atp and this is just the way I am. I will never receive the love and validation that I crave and giving it to myself doesn't feel the same. Resentment is starting to creep in and I'm stuck ruminating on all the people that hurt me and all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm so exhausted and idk how much more I can take. I just wish I were normal and not wasting my prime years stagnant and stuck due to trauma while everyone I know is moving on and doing well in life.