u/Equivalent_Bag6678

The past two days I’ve been hyper fixated on my side profile. I’ve taken hundreds of photos and spent hours analysing, critiquing and being upset about how I look. I keep having this urge of taking my hands and breaking my jaw so it “can be fixed”. I keep on zoning out actually trying to. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what’s going on but I’m having racing thoughts of not wanting to live if I look like this. Idk what to.

While listening to music today, I daydreamed the scenario I often think of when I’m listening to music. It’s just me in the car with a few made up friends screaming out lyrics. But after the song that was playing ended, I just felt so embarrassed. It’s sad that I had imagined a scenario probably 1000 times and will probably end up doing it 1000 more. It’s not like it’s an obscure experience, it’s something normal for so many people but just not for me. It had been a while, but I felt such a strong urge to text someone. I looked through my phone and started tearing up knowing there is no one to talk to. All of this isn’t something new for me. I’ve been stuck like this for two years. But you can only cope and try to push it away for so long. A lot of people take their friendships for granted. I’d do anything for a genuine friend. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted, even as a little kid. I’m so envious of people who don’t have to make up connections in their heads. Loneliness is the worst fucking thing.