u/EstablishmentNo5307

I’ve had an insanely triggering week. I don’t know how I’ve managed not to relapse. My scars are fading and it’s stressing me out. Any advice on how to keep myself from relapsing? I keep just delaying it, but in doing so I also kinda give myself permission to do it, if that makes sense. Whether or not I relapse depends on if I’m strong enough to put it off again when the time comes.

Additional TW cause I’m not in a good headspace rn

I’ve fantasized about having significant scarring since I was a kid. I finally have two big scars but I still feel invalid because those aren’t the standard. I don’t want those scars to be a fluke. I want to get that result all the time. Now all my other scars feel pathetic in comparison. Thing is, it was an accident when it happened. And I can’t get myself into the headspace to do something like that again, and it’s making me really frustrated. I feel pathetic that I have only two big scars. I thought I’d feel satisfied when I got one. I just don’t. I never will

I’m a month clean. My self harm has escalated the last few times I’ve relapsed. Now I have two scars I’d consider to be big and it makes my other scars feel pathetic in comparison. My loved ones are worried for me, my last relapse has especially worried them due to the escalation. I feel no connection to the seriousness of their concern.
I’m sure all they see are those scars, but all I see is empty space. I thought I’d be satisfied if I had just one big scar, but I wasn’t. I don’t want to have just a few large scars, like it was a fluke. I want that to be the result all the time.
I crave so badly for my body to be littered with scars. But I’d be throwing my life away to achieve that, and for what? I still don’t feel valid, I know I never will. But I want it so desperately, it’s all I think about.

I feel deeply insecure of my scars when they’re visible. But when they’re hidden under clothing, I feel put off and like all my suffering was for nothing.
I fantasize about people noticing my scars, but when they do, I feel even more insecure.
Im insecure because my scars are bad, and cause they’re not bad enough.

Man, I guess I’m trying to recreate my childhood trauma in a way that has a better outcome. My folks never did anything about me self harming, even when I needed to go to the hospital. Some little kid in me wants to be noticed and cared for. The older version of me wants to be left alone. They’re both very alive, and one can’t be content while the other is.