I wish women allowed themselves to be single
Last year, I went to Sunday Morning Bible study with my aunts. Its a small ladies group at their church before the main sermon. Although, I’m not religious anymore, I still go to church with then when I visit.
I remember there was this one lady, in her early 30s, speaking about how she was unmarried and waiting on god to provide her a husband. That she was in a season of singleness (if a season means having waited over a decade…then okay…).
She said a few other things too, but I just remember sitting there and thinking how pathetic she was. I know that its mean. I think me sitting there and listening to her forced me to realize that I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to wait to be married. I don’t want to pretend to enjoy being single but secretly Im not because Im actually just waiting for a man.
It made me start my journey to realize that I’m wasting my time as a single woman. I listen to all this bullshit on how to be a high value woman and how to be a woman a man wants. All it does is cause me anxiety because I NEVER live up to those standards. Deep down I do not WANT to live up to those standards. And when I am approached by a man, Im just anxious because deep down I do not want to be with a man.
Its taken some time to accept this. All my childhood & teenage years, I was told that it was my purpose to be married & have children. That I’ll be miserable if I stayed single. But I am not miserable. A few months ago, I went out to eat with friends and I realized at the end of dinner how happy I was WITHOUT wishing a man had approached me or instead wishing I was on a date.
I’ve had a few other moments since then just like that. It has also been such a mind-fuck to realize that I am genuinely happy being single and that needing marriage was a lie. I also have a bunch of cats and yes, they are better than a man.
I’ve been expressing myself more since realizing this. Got two tattoos & my tongue pierced (which my aunt is horrified by because “what if you meet someone & he doesn’t like the tongue piercing”) and have started wearing caftans frequently. I still sometimes catch myself worried about what a man would think, but it really isn’t as much as I used to.
I’m decorating my house how I want to and not taking into consideration a future marital home. I’m thinking about getting into some hobbies this summer. Maybe an art or improv class (if I can muster the courage to embarrass myself). Im going to try and make beaded plants & curtains for my house.
I’m so happy it still surprises me. For so long I was so anxious and this acceptance, and dropping the “wait”, has made me feel 100x better.