r/SingleWomenByChoice

Why do men say this to women? Like our value is determined by men.

I have also heard this from women during arguments and it's such a sad internalized misogyny.

I just had a realization. I have had numerous instances in my life where I have seen animals suffer needlessly due to men. I’m not talking about men abusing or hating the animals. I’m talking about men that choose not to care about details that matter - aka negligence - while claiming to love and care about the animals.

One time my family’s cat had an eye issue that could have caused issues with vision down the line, if not fixed with surgery. My dad said the cat could make do without surgery (and he apparently adored this cat). My mom said that the surgery will be done. It was done.

I had an ex that had a python that he left in his truck, that somehow ended up burning to death - I think because it got in the wiring. He was between living spaces, and didn’t take the means necessary to house the python appropriately.

I had a cat that I gave to a sanctuary, as he was wrecking my life with his peeing over the course of years, and teaching my other cat to mark as well. Within a month he was dead, due to the owner (male) not putting flea meds on him, and the cat getting a disease from a flea bite. I still feel guilty over this one, as it could have been prevented, if I chose to coddle and babysit a man. However, I still don’t think I would have thought to even question them not doing flea treatment.

I had a male roommate who had a chicken who was having neuro issues. I googled a bit, and found out it was likely due to the dumbass not cleaning the water source, so there was mold in there. I told him this, and he still chose not to clean it thoroughly. So I babysat him, and did it for him, so the chicken would not suffer. I don’t even want to think about what happened when I left.

I had a male neighbor who was getting attached to an outdoor cat, and called him his cat. I told him the cat was going to get hit by a car if he didn’t bring it inside, as we lived right beside a busy street. He said cats were smart enough to stay out of the road. I reiterated my point. The next week he was hit and dead. I had to listen to him cry about it. I felt bad, but I also fucking told him.

And the most recent happening - I have a friend/ex-roommate who has a cat that kind of belonged to both of us at one point. However, I moved, and he kept the cat, because it was happy with his other cats. This cat will eat anything and everything, and gain weight fast. This ex-roommate cannot clean up after himself to save his life, literally - so food, treats, etc are left out many times over.

The vet said the cat has a moderate amount of struvite crystals, which can eventually lead to kidney blockage, which can be fatal. The crystal formation can be caused, and made worse, by obesity.

Still, he cannot keep the cat’s weight under control, and pretends it just happens out of nowhere. Then I have to make him think about if he left anything out in the open for the cat to eat by accident, and then he magically remembers! The cat has gained close to 10 percent of its body weight in a year, even after being on food for weight loss.

After I learned the cat gained more weight after coddling him on and off for years, I cut communication. I’m sick of seeing suffering due to man babies. I also feel guilty about that, but I also can’t spend my life babysitting men to ease suffering/improve the quality of life of others. I feel like I’m basically acting like a wife or girlfriend would - coddling and babysitting because a man can’t handle details, or doesn’t want to.

Just for the record - I don’t find identity or get validation from being needed by men that need to be babysat. Coddling irresponsible men goes against the core of who I am. I have always hated that I’ve had to do this to ease suffering or prevent health issues.

I know what the outcome is going to be for the cat, slowly but surely. I don’t say this to be negative. This man is not capable of keeping things even somewhat orderly and put up.

Has anyone else experienced a situation like this? Where you have to cut ties for your own well-being, but you know something they take care of will suffer or be neglected?

I notice that men don’t know how to have conversations without centering themselves and it’s so fucking draining. Every single conversation goes back to them or something connected to them in some kind of way.

We also have to stuff our ideas down as not to disturb the fragile and dangerous male ego. All their ideas have to be considered first as top notch. Our ideas will only be considered to clean up their mess.

After all that we have to endure the mansplaining and the highjacking of one’s personality until there’s nothing left.

The touch on demand the feel entitled to, constant forced conversation, desperate validation, mental load and weaponized incompetence. This is expected to be life long labor that we have to endure for prize of simply getting picked. And instead of raising males to be competent we have been expected to drop all of our goals and dreams to take on this invisible free labor.

I wish I knew sooner that it’s best just to stay single.

Getting a marriage license costs pennies. Getting a divorce almost cost me my life and wrecked me financially.

I was married to what I thought was a good man for 6 years and we had dated for 2 years (so age 22-30). He was incredibly intelligent, kind, caring, funny, and supportive. We traveled all over the world and had tons of fun.

Early on in our marriage I struggled with my mental health and we joined our finances at that point to make things easier (NEVER DO THIS). Over time I became dependent on him financially as he made significantly more money than I did. He told me often if I wanted to stop working entirely (I didn’t, thank God) he would be fine with it.

During the Pandemic the switch flipped completely. He became addicted to drugs and alcohol, often spending $100s of dollars A DAY on drugs. He also became violently abusive. When he finally POINTED A 🔫 AT ME I knew I needed to leave but couldn’t. He controlled all of our money. I had to secretly open a bank account and hide paychecks so I could have money to leave.

Divorce is expensive and arguing with an addict is futile. I finally told him all I wanted was my car and my freedom. He signed the papers.

I used my entire 401k I’d had since I was 23 to relocate across the country and start over at 31. I’m 35 now and finally feel somewhat comfortable financially again.

Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life. If I had known what I know now I would have never done it. I wouldn’t trade the freedom I have now for anything.

One of the reasons I clocked out of dating was that I can't imagine spending every freaking day with a guy that I genuinely find so boring and predictable.

Many of them I met before seem to:

Want you to "watch them" play their steam or console games whilst you sit there like a duck staring for hours.

Say performative shit just to have sex with you and it is so obvious what they are doing.

Suck your energy dry by trauma dumping their day and unresolved childhood issues.

Want you to wear their sports team shirt or drag you to waste an entire weekend on sports events that you have ZERO interest in.

They rarely take the time or genuinely dont care about your inner life, your interests and hobbies. You get the feeling that you could be ANY girl, any woman in your place would fulfill his needs. There is no curiousity about your inner mind and ambitions. The lack of psychological attachment and depth is so depressing and boring. I've heard many guys don't care about VERY important things like religion, hobbies, lifestyle etc. They say shit like "ohh I don't mind what religion or country she comes from, just want a girlfriend". It really shows how objectified and flat we are in their life. Literal npc vibes.

They create mess and chaos in the house that I have to follow like a shadow to clean up. More wasted boring hours.

I can make a longer list but yeah, I am sick of being an "female bodied appendage" to their life. Its soul sucking.

Edit: the dangerous part is that the low bar it makes it so easy for guys to lovebomb. Because what I would finally feel like is how a woman should be treated in dating is actually just a narcissist lovebombing me lmao.

Edit 2: I just remembered an awful experience where my ex bought me 700 dollar worth of gifts for my birthday that was themed to HIS INTERESTS. It was basically show replicas from star trek actually. And he expected me to jump up and down about that.

Any other women in college or school who choose to not date and want to be single for the rest of your life?

I’m almost about to graduate college and of course this is around the age of exploring relationships. When I first got to school I explored A LOT. I got 2 STDs freshman year. Dude I was on a roll. I feel it’s because I grew up really sheltered, and I finally got to leave my overbearing mom. But I’ve finally discovered that I want to live my life single and grow old by myself. It just makes a lot of sense. For one, I don’t want children. Every man I meet wants kids of course for selfish reasons. I also want to be a doctor which involves a lot of school, and I can’t really see myself coming home from school and having to baby and take care of man. It sounds like a nightmare.

Furthermore, guys my age and OLDER men are HORRIBLE. I hate to generalize, but it’s insane how disrespectful and lustful these men are. If it’s not that they act like children. Like the guys in my classes who wanna be doctors it scares me. I thought maybe I’ll find a man in med school, but honestly not even that. My dad is also a doctor and oh boy oh boy I have a feeling they use this career to make them think so highly of themselves to attract women although they’re very shitty beings (my dad cheated on my mom and all of his other ex wives). My male classmates are aggressive and disrespectful. They call women professors bitches. If I do a group project with them it’s either they take over the whole thing b/c they don’t think I’m capable of working on it or they expect me to do all the work.

My dream really in life is to just live by myself in a small home with some pets. I would also love to have an animal sanctuary, and just take care of animals.

It doesn't always have to be witnessing an abusive situation or anything extreme. It can be the little things.

I recently hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and got to meet her baby girl for the first time. For context, I'm also friendly with her husband. We planned to spend the day together to catch up while her partner watched the baby. Credit where credit is due: this was not treated as an inconvenience for him. Just him doing his job as a parent. Great.

I pick her up, and we start our hangout. About an hour in, she suddenly looks panicked and starts texting. I ask her what's up.

"I forgot to let him know where I put the baby's milk."

"Wouldn't it be in the fridge?"

"Yes, but he doesn't know *where* in the fridge."

I blinked. Does the man not have eyes? Or the ability to spend a couple seconds looking for it?

She laughs and waves it off. She tells me that he gets "husband brain" and sometimes he doesn't see something even when it's right in front of him.

Fucking *what*? I kept my mouth shut and didn't press it any further.

Throughout the rest of the day, she had to stop to text him or answer a text from him. Don't forget to put the laundry in. Here is where we keep the detergent. Her nap time is at 3. Don't forget to eat. Here, I'll order you some Uber eats...

We still had a nice time but my god, I'd go insane if I had to constantly worry about my partner taking care of himself. Was he never taught self-sufficiency? Why is that her job?

I don't want kids any more they say...you will! Like lady I'm gonna be 36 feel that is kinda old!

And my new goal is to save all the old dogs from the shelter once I have more space! I always thought my life wouldn't be complicated if I didn't have one but now I'm like why....why does having a child make a women better than me or more a women. Also have depression kinda bad sometimes and I remember my dad being depressed bad and it kinda affected me at the time and I just don't want to do that to them if I had them.

If I could find a beautiful place on Colorado that would be my dream a mini farm and save the all the animals that are not loved! Also my mom laughed at this cause "I've never been on a farm and I'm too girly" but for the animals I save I will go above and beyond

I am looking for recommendations on women YouTubers, vloggers/content creators (could be even on Instagram or on TikTok only) who fit the above criteria. I'll put some of my own too at the end.

I love content creators, especially ones who make aesthetic and cozy, slow living content that calms me down and inspires me.

One of the things I really don't vibe with is when I stumble upon a woman content creator who I really love, and then I find a video on her channel where she talks about her "amazing hubby" and it turns out they live in a huge house that's probably his and that he is the main provider in the household - all the while she is pretending to be this independent girly on video. Of course, if some women want to live such a life let them, but it isn't my preference and I would love to watch content creators with whom I can actually relate to.

Here are some I know of so far that fit this bill (all are under 30 btw, which I find really cool):

Katherine Karas: booktube, journaling, hobbies, daily vlogging

Reese Regan: YT & TikTok, mental health, fashion, hobbies

Megan Rhiannon: journaling, navigating neurodivergence, cozy spooky aesthetics

Ruby Granger: productivity, books, studying

I want to hear some of your suggestions if you have them! I think it's hard to find women creators like this, and I know they need more recognition.

I'm trying to decide if it's just anecdotal or if most of you deal with this (or have done this before): when calling attention to a red flag of a male partner to your mom/sister/cousin/friend who in turn become extremely combative and/or defensive.

It might not even be something super huge just a "hey, I heard you say this thing that you said your man said, it sounds X and I want to check in and address it." (You know, cus we have complicated conversations as adults with people we care about.)

And then comes the flurry of breathless defense (or hanging up the phone to avoid a complicated conversation).

It makes me think about how interesting it is to be in a conversation that, one can assume, would be potentially complex but more engaging if the topic was anyone else ("hey, you said boss/friend/sibliny said something and it sounded like X, can we talk about it") but that as soon as it revolves around a man, the woman gets defensive.

I've decentered men for years and years, so I have literally no energy to "stand by your man, and let the world know that you love him" by defending his honor, or whatever. I also don't have a man hahaha.

It kinda makes me sad to think how many conversations I've had with women over my many years where I ask them about problematic things and their response is to defend the guy. I'm not even sure men do that for their women.

It’s honestly getting annoying. Several of the men at my job know I’m single, and it feels like some of them use that as an opening to flirt.

One coworker keeps trying to get me to hang out with him outside of work. My director, who has a wife that also works at the company, has made comments that come across as flirty, for example, he once told me I have “nice posture.” Another older coworker who works in another dept (old enough to be my dad) said something like, “Your husband must be lucky to have you,” which felt like he was trying to figure out whether I was married. Then there’s another guy who has a girlfriend but still comes by my desk to ask basic questions that could easily be answered elsewhere, just to start conversation. I know they all just want sex but it's getting very exhausting.

I'm quiet and polite so I feel like that's why they try to take advantage. Most of my colleagues are married or have partners. I cannot go to HR because I cannot risk getting fired in this economy.

F27, Hi friends, I am not entirely sure if this fits here, but idk where else to put it!

I have been single for over a year now and I wouldn’t say I am a hot mess, or even a mess, but I am more or less in no position to be looking for love. My problem is that I crave physical and emotional affection. Like I will put myself in problematic situations to satisfy my desires. I have ditched dating apps and just hope I can find sexy singles the old fashioned way. It’s worked a little. However, I have had a FWB that is making me feel lower vibe. I think because he rejected me romantically and I just feel like he is keeping me an arms length away at all times. I actually cut it off with him once but became feral again and I have come full circle. Point is, I don’t know how to feel about all of this. I want to want to be single, but I lose sleep over my total desperation for connection and it’s making me feel weak and pathetic. It also doesn’t help that I have very few friends in the area I live. I just become distraught in my solitude and horniness.

I know this sub is for happily single women, but if anyone has any advice for helping me embrace and grow into this phase of life, I’d appreciate it. I bought new sex toys and I am working on really focusing on authentically loving myself. I just am feeling endlessly lost.

My personal pet peeves are “significant other” and “bae” (before anyone else 🤢). The latter becoming popular and mainstream probably had a major influence on women centring men. Apparently bae is also Danish for poop 🤭

I’ve been single for 7 months and have had the craziest itch to do solo travel.

I did a forest adventure a few weeks back and it was one of the most beautiful solo experiences I’ve ever had and extremely healing, and it let me know that I am fully capable of being my best friend and having a good time

I’ve done some girls trips lately, and yes it’s fun, but I truly just want to do things on my own terms. I dig being on my own, with my own itinerary, own schedule and with my own thoughts

I was wanting to know … what do you ladies feel about your favorite solo trip ? And where did you feel safe ?

I've done the classic solo cinema date and solo coffee shop date, but I want to try some more unusual / lesser done solo dates. What your guys go to solo dates?

I'm attracted to men. But I don't want a relationship or sex. Is this weird? I can admire them from afar.

My minimum was $800, the supposedly “loved” their wives yet were spending a substantial amount of money, enough to buy them jewelry, flowers, plane tickets etc.

Sometimes they would invite me into their homes!

Male friend, dating, sometimes trauma dumping coworkers. And it nearly always goes unappreciated. They are so extractive by nature no wonder women glow down in marriage.