r/SingleWomenByChoice

I'm a long time single by choice woman. Over 2 decades ago I decided men were not worth my time & energy ( I'm in late 40's now). Great choice that I'm very happy with. But there's always exceptions.

It's the social expectation, especially from other women. That has been the biggest drawback. Trying to make friends with other women, and their either competing with you for all the male attention (which I happily give them that & then they feel superior), or them being suspicious or distrustful that you're gonna steal their man. With other women it's always about male approval. It's a shame because the other side of the river that I'm on is so happy & peaceful, except it's hard to make friends.

Or I start a nice friendship with a single lady and before long she's on the dating carosoul and bringing all her drama in with the escapades. We're fine but as soon as a man/men come into picture her behavior changes.

The other social aspect is that you're looked down upon & not treated as an equal because they can't understand how someone would actively choose not to pair. Coworkers etc judging you.

Anyway I'm not gay or anything. I just call myself a non practicing hetero. Because I do find some men attractive... Until I get to know them.

What's your story?

Mine: Chronic invalidation, DARVO, holding blame for problems that never belonged to me, negging, regulating a grown mans emotions up to the point of suicide threats.

Exhausting, draining, fuck that lifestyle. I don't want to ever take the risk of getting my empathy sucked dry ever again. Some guys out there are literal black holes that won't do the work on themselves and go to therapy, want their woman to play unpaid therapist.

I had to literally spray sage every day to regulate my nervous system as well as thousands of dollars on CBT.

The glow up when you decide to clock out of that nonsense is crazy. Some men literally siphon you dry whilst gaslighting you that you bring nothing to the table.

Can be anything! A food, hobby, spot on your city or town, etc.

I’ve been enjoying a diamond painting app for the iPad the past week. It’s nice to listen to something else in the background while working on a picture. 😌

Last year, I went to Sunday Morning Bible study with my aunts. Its a small ladies group at their church before the main sermon. Although, I’m not religious anymore, I still go to church with then when I visit.

I remember there was this one lady, in her early 30s, speaking about how she was unmarried and waiting on god to provide her a husband. That she was in a season of singleness (if a season means having waited over a decade…then okay…).

She said a few other things too, but I just remember sitting there and thinking how pathetic she was. I know that its mean. I think me sitting there and listening to her forced me to realize that I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to wait to be married. I don’t want to pretend to enjoy being single but secretly Im not because Im actually just waiting for a man.

It made me start my journey to realize that I’m wasting my time as a single woman. I listen to all this bullshit on how to be a high value woman and how to be a woman a man wants. All it does is cause me anxiety because I NEVER live up to those standards. Deep down I do not WANT to live up to those standards. And when I am approached by a man, Im just anxious because deep down I do not want to be with a man.

Its taken some time to accept this. All my childhood & teenage years, I was told that it was my purpose to be married & have children. That I’ll be miserable if I stayed single. But I am not miserable. A few months ago, I went out to eat with friends and I realized at the end of dinner how happy I was WITHOUT wishing a man had approached me or instead wishing I was on a date.

I’ve had a few other moments since then just like that. It has also been such a mind-fuck to realize that I am genuinely happy being single and that needing marriage was a lie. I also have a bunch of cats and yes, they are better than a man.

I’ve been expressing myself more since realizing this. Got two tattoos & my tongue pierced (which my aunt is horrified by because “what if you meet someone & he doesn’t like the tongue piercing”) and have started wearing caftans frequently. I still sometimes catch myself worried about what a man would think, but it really isn’t as much as I used to.

I’m decorating my house how I want to and not taking into consideration a future marital home. I’m thinking about getting into some hobbies this summer. Maybe an art or improv class (if I can muster the courage to embarrass myself). Im going to try and make beaded plants & curtains for my house.

I’m so happy it still surprises me. For so long I was so anxious and this acceptance, and dropping the “wait”, has made me feel 100x better.

With time I’m starting to feel massive disinterest towards men, I come from a family that’s mostly women and I haven’t seen much good from the few men we have, mix that with the experience I’ve been through…I’m really not looking for anything anymore.

I don’t even feel anything anymore and the thought of relaxing with my turtle in my backyard with a cup of tea feels way more peaceful than ever going through a talking stage again. Even the little attraction I had for men is just disappearing at this point, it’s like a big MEH 🫥 it’s always been like that but never to this extent where I’m legit getting icked by reading through anyones messages.

However, I realize this feeling may be temporary and I’d at some point crave attention or love, even when I know it’s not gonna happen. How do you deal with those sort of heart cravings even when you’re living your best life alone?

Ive had a man Wierdly obsessed with me for about 10yrs. Like out of nowhere back in 2016 he became obsessed w me thru social media. I also live in the same small town as him. He was very fast writing sexual stuff to me, ive blocked him on one of my IG accounts. Then he wrote to me on Facebook. Now 10yrs later he still follows me on one of my accounts. The problem is that he comes of as someone w good intentions like "Hey whats up, i was just thinking about you how are you" & then we talk about tv shows & different subjects. Then out of no where i Said "damn i really wish i wasnt w my family now so that i could j*** off to your IG pics", i met this Guy in the club several times & IRL he is super wierd & cant hold a conversation. I just find it so annoying how lustful he is. Like its not really flattering having someone obsessed w me only based of my looks, since he dont know me. Yeah idk. But this threw me off using IG anymore since men use it as some j*** off app. So many taken men with wife/kids likes my stories (they don't follow me tho). This is why i LOVE living in celebate & w/o men.
All lust, NO DEPTH. I cant stand em.

What was the situation, epiphany, or thing that lead you to choose being single? Or was there not anything in particular? Are you choosing singleness for life?

Just curious where others are. I’m happily single. For me it was relationships never working out and always draining me. I find that I’m my best self when solo. What about you?

Hi,

I am a 36F,single mother of two girls (16F and 7F) and twice divorced. I had a string of relationships, situationships and the like and I’m at the point in my life where I’m tired. I got saved and baptized last year and I have been trying to navigate living a life with Christ. Since then I have been repulsed by the idea of dating. I’m afraid of choosing wrong again. Right now it just feels safer to not date. When I think of the future, I think of my kids being grown and me traveling the world. I hope to live outside the U.S. one day. I’ve prayed that the right man for me finds me but today it hit me that maybe it’s not God’s plan for me? I don’t know at this point.

Do you regularly buy yourself flowers, or have a cleaning/reset Sunday routine?

One that I’ve taken up recently is burning incense when I get home for the day. I’ve also been playing a New Age compilation album in the car (my vehicle is old enough that it doesn’t have Bluetooth, so radio or CDs it is). Hearing relaxing music as soon as I clock out of work has oddly helped my nervous system.

What about you?

Hey ladies,

I'm not new to this feeling but today I'm really coming to understand my stance on this. I might actually remain single for the rest of my life.

For context, I'm 29F, Indian.

I've dated around tons, and I simply cannot tolerate men anymore. My father is one of the most useless men I have ever come across. He is not just useless, he also actively inconveniences my mother and I all the time. My mother ofcourse has coddled him and let him remain an overgrown child, but I too am expected to labour for him.

I've found every single man I have dated/slept with has been apathetic, irritating and more than comfortable using me for various reasons. I am sick and tired of it.

Men, to me, are good for nothing. I would've mentioned sex, but most of them have no empathy and are truly apathetic towards my pleasure. I merely tolerate them for sex.

I must come across as cold and unkind, but I assure you, I have loved and laboured for men, and I honestly feel the more a woman gives to a man, the more he wants to take. He has an evergrowing desire to use and abuse what women have to offer.

This one guy I was kind of seeing, but not really because he was so inconsistent, today sent me a link to a yt short titled "why I hate my girlfriend" he was expecting me to laugh. It was satirical, but I don't find anti-woman humor funny in any form.

I am sorry if my words are too negative, I'm just done. I probably will just use men for what little they can offer which is sex and continue leading my life single.

I have so much love to give, I will continue to care for the earth and spread my love to the things that deserve it such as animals and children and for social-good causes.

Thanks for reading.

I joined this group so I can discuss single women issues such as financing a real estate purchase, feeling celebrated in couple groups, managing a house and work load alone and that is what I thought it was about.

However and please correct me if I am wrong. The group is inundated with women who are coming here for dating advice or women whom are really too young to even make this decision or women frustrated with their partners and want to throw the towel in.

I feel like they have many other spaces like /askwomen /dating /marriage etc etc etc. the list of options for them is endless. Why post here the same stuff that us are sick off?

Can we please just have a space to focus on us and decanter men?

And if you are looking for advice then read posts that we wrote on being single but I feel like this space should focus on actual single women who have already decentered men.

Apologies if I have misunderstood the rules or something.

I’m sitting here enjoying a quiet morning with my coffee (no compromise, no noise, no managing someone else’s needs) and I just felt so much gratitude for this path.

It took me a while to realize that "happily ever after" could just mean me, my own space, and my own choices. So glad I found this community of women who get it.

How are you all enjoying your "me time" today?

It’s clear to me that I’m happiest when I’m single and I mean fully single, not dating or entertaining guys whatsoever. I can’t think of a benefit having a boyfriend would ever bring. Except when it comes to holidays, like long weekends or my birthday. I don’t have many friends. The ones I do have are closer with other friends who they celebrate holidays with.

As an adult, it’s hard to make new friends especially where I live. And I have autism. I’m not close with my family. So when it comes to things like long weekends and I see everyone else celebrating with partners, friends or family, I feel really sad. Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone and have done lots alone, including travel. But humans are social creatures and on occasions where everyone else is among company, I can’t help but feel isolated. Not just romantically but socially in general. Any advice?

I know it seems obvious- make friends, but for me it’s not that simple, and I’ve tried (prob could’ve tried more tho and I’m open to suggestions). With autism, I’ve found dating significantly easier than making friends due to the structured nature of it, and the default closeness of a partner vs friend. And the one on one dynamic is something I’m much more comfortable with. So as much as I love being single, I miss the security from the “default company” of dating

Pretty much the title. My partner is great. Supportive. Kind. Interesting. Emotionally available. We've been together for 10 years. I'm in my my 30s, he's in his mid 40s. Through reasons I don't want to get in to, I've been in a relationship pretty much since I was a teenager. My life was always shape by someone else. I love my partner but I can't shake the feeling that I want to be alone and live life for myself. I'm very independent and have a lot of interests. So I think I'd be absolutely fine. Am I throwing away a great relationship? Or is this the time to follow my intuition? I'm feeling very stuck.