u/ExistingRub2644

TW: DETAILS

a couple days ago i was out at the pool with someone who i thought i could trust and who was my friend. i just gotten out of a relationship my ex and and was desperate to go out, get it off my mind for a bit. one of my old friends hit me up saying he was gonna be in town this week and that we should hang.

i agreed bc he wanted to drink and so i did i, i mentioned we can go to the pool at my sisters apartment and didn’t think anything of it. at first we were just chatting like old friends, he had just gotten out of a relationship too and so we had that sort of connection bc hey we’re both going through it rn.. later on in the night i was drunk, i couldn’t stand steady, my vision was blurry from not wearing my glasses and chlorine in my eyes. he started getting really close to me and we ended up kissing.

while we were making out is when he would move his hands and after i pulled them away he’d stop and acted like i was teasing him basically begging for me to let him but i kept saying “we can’t”. there was no sex but he did shove his fingers in me and it hurt, it was very rough. he would put his hand on my neck and squeeze me tightly . this pattern would repeat until he took me to the corner of the pool where the stairs were and tried taking my shorts off, to paint the picture he was carrying me the entire time bc i couldn’t stand up… i stopped him from doing that by again repeating “we can’t” “the pools closing” “let’s leave” “we need to go” but he wouldn’t let me go and kept trying.

i don’t know exactly if he was also just as drunk as i was and completely read the room wrong, i only question
because he was good to drive and i remember him acting fine.. he texted me yesterday but i haven’t responded, i took him off my socials but idk how to confront him if that’s what i need to do…
i told my friend and she’s been good support but i just feel guilt? i feel shame? i feel dirty? i feel like it’s my fault because i was the one who decided to go out with him, i was the one who decided to drink.. i was the one who was okay with being alone with him at first… i didn’t know this would happen but i feel like it’s all my fault and i don’t know what to do right now… i don’t know how to feel…

(apologies if it's too much)
i just broke things off with my ex (of two years) this month.

i found out through his phone that before and during our relationship he still had some sort of feelings for his ex that he wasn't over yet.. i found out that he had contacted her a month before asking me to be his girlfriend asking if she would take him back, i found her contact in his phone 5 months into us dating, her contact was STILL in his phone a month later so i blocked her myself..

(fast forward 2 years into dating) recently last month, i went through his phone again and found that he had a secret tiktok account where he posted a video with a message for her n captioned it "i'll close the door but never lock it" in jan 2025, found he had unblocked her again and changed her contact name...

when i found this i put us on a break to gather my thoughts and how i wanted to move forward and after some time i decided to end the relationship but since then he’s been desperately trying to get me back… he’s been saying he’s changing, he won’t do anything like that again, he won’t hurt me again, that’s done, i don’t have to worry about her, he’ll treat me better, he’ll treat me right this time, he doesn’t see himself with anyone else, he wants me and only me, he said he’ll spoil me, always remind me i’m beautiful and a lot more…

i want to get over him but it’s been so hard, staying no contact is hard. i can’t help but miss him, i can’t help but want to be around him, talk to him, play games tg, go out, text him random things, stuff that we used to do before all of this happened..

he broke my trust and that was the cherry ontop of everything.. we weren’t necessarily toxic but we weren’t healthy, esp these past six months. it was a lot of communication issues, trust issues on my end, we were arguing every week over small stuff, it was a repeated cycle of we’re good -> we’re fighting -> we made up -> repeat for months and my mental health started taking a toll on me, i was getting overwhelmed emotionally because every argument we had about a pattern, that same pattern would appear a week later and i felt that there was no change.

i’m still young, i’m in my early 20s and i realized this isn’t the relationship i want, this isn’t how i want to be treated, i want to come first from the beginning not finally after two years… but even though he hurt me, i still have strong love and care for this man and idk what to do… i want to focus on myself, i want to get mentally stable again, im starting college, im trying to get into more hobbies and a routine but this feeling sucks because i feel like IM stuck…

all the mature ladies, the mommas, the ones who have been in similar situations, the girls who understand where im at, please help me out… please tell me it gets better and that i made the right choice for myself because somedays? it doesn’t feel like it..