u/Exotic-Relation-3980

Okay so for context I 22f dropped out of high school at 18 for ex 19m after dating for a year and a half…dumb and in love and got married in a courthouse then went off to live with him in Virginia because he joined the navy so now in a new state our own apt he finally began to show his true colors i was officially isolated cut off from all my friends and didn’t talk much to my family anymore worked as a nanny which is the only reason i stayed sane and happy for as long as i did and was just abused in allll ways (except for physical thankfully) and was just down right miserable it would get better and we’d have our high highs then really low lows he played video games 24/7 if he wasn’t at work or trying to get sex or dinner he was on games nothing else in the world is more important than that pc so with that continuous trend about a year later i ended up pregnant things were good and I don’t believe in not keeping the baby since i was already 8 weeks along and i just couldn’t fathom that so we talked about it and things kept going well….after having the baby i quickly realized I am and will be the ONLY parent and he isn’t going to do shit because he just gets frustrated in 2 seconds and gives baby back so fast forward baby is 11 months old now and I finally gained a backbone told him on a Thursday I was moving out with baby and moving back home and by Saturday I was on my way back to good ole Indiana lmao got a divorce got full custody and he pays child support and has ZERO contact with child on his own doing

Fast forward child is now about to turn 2 and I am 21 and I have a really good job I get my own house with a roommate and started dating a high school past interest that has never let up and has asked me out religiously since 6th grade lol I never gave him a chance but I was kid free one night and we ended up going to back 9 (like top golf if ur familiar) it went surprisingly really good (this was in September) and by December we were officially dating after my year of being by myself and figuring out exactly what I wanted and needed and he fit ALL of the categories i’ve truly never been treated more like a princess he treats my child as his own and she absolutely adores him his family has taken her in as their own and my family lovessss him we now live together because roommate wanted to move out and I was skeptical but ended up giving the go ahead and it’s been perfect like I genuinely don’t have any complaints AT ALL which is nuts but he’s always talking about how he wants to get married around next year or year after that and start a family and give my child siblings and all of this truly sounds amazing but at times i find myself wanting to self sabotage and run away (which i don’t want to do!!!) it’s like the past trauma and dark thoughts take over my brain and give only bad advice and self doom HOW DO I STOP I can’t afford therapy I would love to but everything is so so so expensive all in all I want these things as well but I feel as if I now have past ptsd and if i get married and have a kid he’ll turn into my ex which is obviously not true 😭😭 but i’ve convinced myself of that and now im terrified HELP